New Year reflection

January 1st is quickly approaching and you have probably been contemplating what resolution you might want to attempt this year. Some of the more popular goals are to lose weight, stop smoking, find a better job, exercise, or make time to eat better. Whatever resolution you choose, seeing yourself as you want to be is the key to personal growth in 2012.

Commitment

A study by the American Medical Association found that one in five people will turn their New Year commitment into action. The rest will have good intentions but stop working on their resolution in a few weeks. “Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.” Carl Bard
First, reflect on this year’s experiences. What did you learn from them? How did you apply this knowledge to create a better life for yourself? Then contemplate what you envision for yourself in the New Year and what steps you need to take to get there.

Persevere

This year give yourself the gift of love and acceptance. Believe in yourself. You are not a quitter. You are a strong, capable and resilient person. Persevere and you will attain your goal. Write your goals and intentions down. Read them aloud daily and visualize your success. Talk about the positive that is in your life and be grateful. Take a class, read a book, and save the money to take that trip. Put your family first. Try to understand each other more and forgive the things that keep peace from entering your life. Be kind instead of right. Have more fun and enjoy the journey of possibilities that the New Year can bring to your life.

Spending the holiday with grandparents

Grandparents make every holiday gathering special. Whether you are traveling to your grandparent’s home or they are coming to yours, there is a heightened anticipation to the arrival. Grandparents are known to cook homemade traditional foods and buy or create those exceptional gifts that make each holiday memorable.

Grandparents come in all shapes and sizes with special nicknames that are endearing. If you are unable to spend time with your grandparents this Christmas there are several things you can do to remain close whether you live near or far. Tape your children reading their favorite story and have them explain why they love that story. Mail the recording and enclose a family photo for them to enjoy. Create a scrapbook of the activities your children have done this year and include stories or poems that they have written. Include the current activities and interests that your children enjoy doing so that grandparents who live far away can stay connected as the children grow and develop.

If your grandparents are able to visit this holiday plan an extraordinary outing that everyone will enjoy together. There are holiday parades to attend, outdoor decorations to view, ice skating with hot chocolate or try breakfast with Santa. Spending time with your grandparents can be a rewarding experience. Even though presents are important to some, the best gift to receive this holiday season can be the attention, love and presence of your grandparents.

Helping others during the holiday season

During this time of year the needs of other people are highly publicized on the news. It lets the general public know that there are many families in the community that need our assistance to survive the winter and holiday season. Volunteering your family through your church, school or non-profit organization is a wonderful way to have your family look outside of themselves. Families that volunteer together learn how to work as a team as they share the spirit of caring and giving to others. It can also help families to develop better interpersonal communication skills within their family system which strengthens relationships.

The Independent Sector study (1996) reports that children who volunteer do better in school, feel more positive about themselves, and avoid risky behaviors like drugs and alcohol. It can help them develop career goals, learn how to respect others and understand people who are different. Children that have participated in service activities are more likely to vote, have a positive work ethic, and live a socially responsible life. Helping others less fortunate this holiday season can make a difference in your community. It can also make a lifelong impression on your children and family as you work together to help make your community a better place to live.

Blending holiday traditions

The United States is referred to as the “melting pot” nation where all immigrants and their traditions have blended over the centuries. Traditions that your family looks forward to each holiday are originally from different cultures around the world. The Christmas carols we sing are from England. The tradition of decorating the tree is from Germany and St. Nicholas originated in Scandinavia. The Netherlands expanded on the myth to have St. Nicolas or Santa Claus fill the stockings hanging over the fireplace. The United States extended the story adding the sleigh and eight tiny reindeer.

Finding the compromise

Determining how to celebrate the holidays for divorced or blended families can become difficult with schedule conflicts and trying to combine the traditions that were important to their nuclear family. There are many solutions to the problem if everyone is willing to compromise and experience new traditions. Communicate with non-custodial parents to make sure the children are present for the festivities that are important to them. Try to be flexible and alternate the schedules when possible. Discuss how change can be a positive event when blending your favorite traditions.

Blending family traditions can be a challenging but rewarding experience. When all the changes become overwhelming, try to focus on the reason for the Christmas season. You are not competing with each other but explaining the importance of how your family customs are celebrated. Traditions are about building special memories so that one day your family rituals will be passed on to future generations. Acceptance and acknowledging what is really important to the special people in your life will create the holiday you will all want to remember.

Eating healthy over the holidays

Experts report that the majority of us will gain one to five pounds over the holiday season. This may not seem like a lot but as we continually add pounds it can accumulate over time. During the winter holidays we tend to indulge by eating our favorite foods while sitting around doing nothing to burn the calories. Many of us will justify the extra calories by promising ourselves that we will lose the extra pounds as a New Year resolution. That seems to give us permission to eat everything and anything in sight. Children have a greater challenge than adults with holiday eating as they have less impulse control when faced with tempting sweets. They don’t monitor appropriate portion size or which items might be healthy.

Healthy choices

Many of us try to determine how to have a healthier holiday without depriving ourselves of those Christmas cookies and fudge. Dieticians tell us to plan, plan, plan. Try making healthy options to take and have available at gatherings like string cheese or a fruit salad to nibble on. Give your children a healthy snack before leaving for the festivities so they won’t over indulge with sweets. If your family has a tradition of making holiday cookies, continue to make them but give some away so they are not a constant temptation for everyone.

During the holiday don’t deprive yourself of those specials treats, just monitor your portion size. Try to eat balanced meals and avoid the sweet carbohydrates when possible. Fight the temptation to hibernate and stay active. When we are active and busy we don’t have time to rummage in the cupboards.

Thanksgiving and gratitude

Thanksgiving is a time when families reflect on the blessings that they have experienced in their life. Research is reporting that we could all live a healthier lifestyle if we would practice being grateful everyday. University of California Davis psychology professor Robert Emmons’ research indicates that, “Grateful people take better care of themselves and engage in more protective health behaviors like regular exercise, a healthy diet and regular physical examinations.”

Daily gratitude

Practicing gratitude leaves people feeling joyful, strong and with more energy. If we can make a conscious effort to find something positive in every situation you can decrease your stress and face the obstacles in life with optimism. Living in the moment and being grateful for what you are experiencing now, will give you a better quality of life. To encourage this positive thinking, write in your journal 5 to 10 things you are grateful for. Each day try and acknowledge new experiences that brought you joy or peace. When you are out in the community make a conscientious effort to be polite to everyone you encounter. Even a simple “thank you” can make someone’s day brighter. If you live away from family and friends that you miss, have pictures displayed to remind you of who matters in your life. Then call that special someone to let them know you are thinking of them.

Some individuals will limit themselves by experiencing life with a sense of entitlement and being preoccupied with materialism. Self-reflection of your life journey can stimulate awareness of how truly blessed you are and leave you with insight on how to appreciate those around you. So in a time when there are so many people out of work and struggling to pay their bills discover the blessings in your life. "Gratitude consists of being more aware of what you have, than what you don't." Unknown

Learning how to play in a technological world

Our children are living in a technological world. Electronic media is everywhere, entertaining all ages as well as influencing our choices. Children from birth to age eight are learning rapidly as they use all of their senses and body to experience the world around them. During this important time of development children learn through their play and exploration across the five essential developmental dimensions:
1. Social and Emotional Development
2. Language Development
3. Physical Well-Being and Motor Development
4. Cognitive and General Knowledge
5. Approaches Toward Learning

Child development experts believe that the first thing parents should do is “unplug” their children’s life to experience different recreational activities. Try having a backyard treasure hunt, play hot potato, create a craft together. Unstructured play is very healthy for a child’s brain as it builds creativity and imagination. It also helps develop problem solving skills through the trial and error of experience. Susan T Eden author of Play Works writes “Play influences all aspects of development. Without play, development of the mind, body and spirit is stunted.”

Here is a helpful list of items to have ready to encourage spontaneous play.
• Stock shelves with blocks, art supplies, and dress-up clothes.
• Recycle plastic containers that can be used to hold water, pour sand, or hide secret treasure.
• Keep cardboard boxes as they can be used for doll houses, fire stations, or castles.
• Save old blankets and pillows for making cozy tents, caves and forts.
• Collect Halloween costumes and fabric remnants to create plays or act out book characters.

Guiding your child to use their imagination is rewarding and fun for the whole family. It will create memories that will be retold for a lifetime.

Celebrating Fall

The fall season is a wonderful time to plan those outdoor activities for your family. Wichita, Kansas has an amazing selection to choose from this weekend if your family doesn’t celebrate Halloween. There are hayrack rides, corn mazes, moonwalks, costume contests, pumpkin decorating and fireworks for just a few ideas. Listed below are some of the locations sponsoring these fall activities. You can visit their websites for more details.

• A-Maze-in-Grace sponsored by Christ Community Church. There is a 13 acre maze, pumpkin decorating activities, wagon rides, and special treats.

• Prairie Pines Pumpkin Days has a kid’s haunted house, corn maze, hayrides and a field of screams for older children.

• Cox Farm Pumpkin Patch and Maze has all these activities plus hot-air balloon rides.

• Family Fall Festival at Camp Hyde sponsored by the YMCA seems to have the largest assortment to choose from with live music, a bonfire, moonwalks, a magic show, costume contest, hayrides and fireworks.

The weather this weekend will entice everyone to spend the day outdoors enjoying nature. Bundle up your family for the fun as winter is heading our way.

Keeping children and pets safe at Halloween

Halloween has been a favorite holiday for children of all ages for a long time. On this one special night they can dress-up to be any hero or heroine they choose and receive a smorgasbord of candy at the same time. Halloween is also a night where people will play pranks or destroy property randomly. To keep your children and pets safe there are a few guidelines that all parents should consider.

The American Academy of Pediatrics has asked us to consider the following guidelines:

Choose costumes that are reflective, flame retardant and easy to move in.
Masks will hinder a child’s visibility so try make-up or hats as an alternative.
Children should have a flashlight, carry a cell phone and know how to call 911 in case of an emergency.
Younger children should be escorted by their parents. Older siblings should check in periodically to ensure their safety.
Children should stay in well lighted areas and remain on the sidewalks. They should never enter a home for their treat.
When your children return home sort through their candy and remove any suspicious items.

Unfortunately pets have been victims of Halloween pranks so if you plan to be away for the evening make sure your pets are safe in your home or garage. You will also want all your children’s toys and bikes placed safely in the garage to prevent theft or vandalism. If you have candle-lit pumpkin displayed you should never leave it unattended and place it on a sturdy table away from children and pets. Everyone can enjoy the festivity of this fall celebration if we think safety first.

Academic success and your teacher

The school year is underway and by now your child should be feeling comfortable with their new teacher. Your child’s relationship with their teacher is very important to their academic success. Children who get along with their teachers learn more. They will also feel more confident when asking questions and getting extra help when needed. This will make it easier for them to understand new materials and perform better on tests.

Work together

If your child is complaining about their teacher ask for specific concerns. It could be they are just missing their teacher from last year. Teachers want to get along with their students so the goal would be to create trust and kindness by communicating honestly about any concerns that your child may have. First make an appointment with the teacher to communicate the problem. Next discuss both sides of the issue and create a plan with the teacher to give your child more support where there is an academic concern. Follow-up with the teacher after the plan has been in place for a few weeks to see if the changes have helped your child’s academic progress. If there continues to be a concern after a few weeks then ask to meet with the principal or counselor to involve them with the issue. Let your child know that you are all working together to help him be successful at school.

It is also important for your child to be responsible for their part of the learning process. Students should attend class regularly and be ready to learn with the appropriate supplies. They should be prepared and have assignments completed as requested. Students should also display a positive attitude in class every day even though they feel there may be a concern. When everyone works together as a team your child will be successful.

Playing team sports

Team sports are a classic way to get children active socially and physically with their peers. Not all children are ready or willing to engage in a team sport and would rather choose a solitary activity.

NIH reports that the pediatric neurological maturation process is very complex. The sense of social comparison is not achieved until after 6 years of age and the ability to understand the competitive nature of sports is usually not achieved until 9 years of age. By 12 years of age most children are mature enough to comprehend the complex tasks of sports and are physically and cognitively ready to participate in competitive sports with appropriate supervision.

As the school year progresses there are several team activities that are available to your children. Here a few suggestions to consider when deciding if your children are ready to engage in a team sport.

• Does he/she display an interest in organized sport?
• Is her/his emotional maturity similar to that of their peers?
• How well does your child accept defeat?
• How well does your child take directions from other adults?
• Is your child large enough and coordinated enough to minimize injury?

For children under the age of 6 years of age a team activity where no score is kept and everyone is a winner is a great way to learn the skills. As children grow and mature they will become ready for the more competitive edge that is required. Up until the age of 11 years of age children are still learning how to build friendships, just as they are learning about teamwork.

Try to guide your child toward their interests and strengths. Make sure it is their desire to play a team sport and not an extension of a parent’s ego. Sports can be another wonderful learning experience for participants and players alike.

Parental involvement at school

Research has consistently reported that a parent’s positive involvement with their children’s schooling brings positive outcomes. Research is also now reporting that parents that are involved in out-of-school programs for their children are developing a higher level of trust with their parents and are less likely to lie or argue with their parents. Family involvement with teenagers is associated with a lower rate of risky sexual behavior, tobacco use, drug use, alcohol use, delinquency, and violent behavior.

Joyce L. Epstein, director of the Center of Families at John Hopkins University in Baltimore, Maryland identifies six types of parent involvement in schools. There are parenting, communicating, volunteering, learning at home, decision making, and collaborating with the community. Each type of involvement is valuable and each has an impact on students, teachers, and the parents themselves.

Family involvement in out-of-school programs can also help to create better programs that are more child centered which increases attendance and improved activities. Out-of-school programs also offer parenting classes to educate parents about child and adolescent development and parenting strategies to reduce risky behaviors and support positive development.

There are so many positive reasons to be involved and interactive with your family. Whether you are a single parent, blended family, traditional or nontraditional family the extra time taken to be involved in your children’s activities will bring a lifetime of rewards.

Child sports concussions increase

Playing sports is the best physical exercise for children to keep them healthy but the number of child athletes taken to the emergency room in the USA has more than tripled from 7,000 in 1991 to 22,000 in 2007. A new study published by the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) in the September 2010 issue of Pediatrics states that football has the highest incidence of concussion and that girls have higher concussion rates than boys in similar sports.

Concussion symptoms

A concussion is known as a mild brain injury. Experts define a concussion as a head injury with temporary loss of brain function which can cause cognitive, physical, and emotional symptoms. In the majority of concussion cases the individual doesn’t lose consciousness but will require proper treatment. Most physicians recommend plenty of rest to reduce the risk of developing chronic headaches, learning problems and poor memory. Your child may complain of a variety of symptoms and display a very moody demeanor. There can be complaints of headache, vision disturbance, dizziness, a loss of balance, confusion, memory loss, ringing or ears, nausea, sensitivity to light or noise, difficulty concentrating and feeling groggy.

Treatment

If your child was hit on the playing field you should avoid asking your child to “tough it out”. Children or adolescents who sustain a concussion should always be evaluated by a physician and receive a medical clearance before returning to play. Symptoms of a mild concussion can be resolved in 7 to 10 days but the more severe concussion can take weeks or months to fully recover. All athletes should restrict their physical activity after a concussion. Cognitive exertion should also be monitored such as homework, video games, using the computer or watching television as they can escalate symptoms. If symptoms persist and your child is having short-term memory concerns your pediatrician or neurologist may refer you for neuropsychological testing.

There are several ways to reduce the risk of concussions by wearing the protective gear, following the rules of the sport, and educating players, staff and parents on the dangers of concussions. Better understanding of the symptoms will reduce the potential of long-term complications that could evolve from a concussion. If an athlete has had multiple concussions they should consider retiring from that sport.

Parent's feel their children's pain

When children experience heartache, disappointment, illness or life problems parents will feel the impact. The bond between parents and their children is a special relationship. Parents have a strong commitment to their children whether they are toddlers or adults. It has been reported that children who suffer for any reason will affect their parents’ mental health. Research has also found that parents are more affected by their children’s failures than by their successes.

Research

A study from Purdue University surveyed 600 parents between ages 40 and 60 who lived in the Philadelphia area. There were 1250 children involved in the study over the age of 18 years old. The survey reported that parents who had a struggling child would monopolize attention over the success and happiness of the other siblings. If the children’s concerns were related to behaviors or lifestyle choices the emotional duress appeared to be more intense. Karen Fingerman, Ph.D. the lead author of the study said, “What this study finds is that children may have their own lives and moved on, but their ups and downs are still deeply affecting their parents.” The study was completed before the economic hardships began in
2008. The increase in job loss, family strain, foreclosures, and divorce has only exacerbated the parental distress.

Developing resilience

Easy going temperaments make it easier to bounce back from traumatic events but we can all learn how to become more resilient and get back in the game. “There are many aspects of resilience that can be taught,” states Karen Reivich Ph.D. a psychologist at University of Pennsylvania. “We spend a lot of mental energy making problems much bigger than they really are,” Reivich said.

One way to change negative thought patterns is to make a list of what you’re thankful for, your strengths, or what your talents are. “When you think about what you do best, you can more easily access those strengths when you are facing a challenge,” Reivich suggests.
Another option to try when facing adversity is to focus on what you can change so that you don’t get stuck ruminating on the problem. This allows you to move forward from the issue. You should have several options available to explore or pursue as you determine what choice may be the most beneficial. Accept the challenge and acknowledge that change can open new doors of opportunity.

Parents can model resilience by focusing on the positive, building outside interests and spending time with their support system. Increase your self-care when under emotional duress and seek professional counseling when needed. Disregard the need to “fix” your children. Resilient people know they have the power to adjust their plans and still feel secure on their new life’s journey path. “Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

Kindergarten readiness

The concept of kindergarten derived in the 1830’s from a German teacher who believed the children needed a way to transition from home into the school environment. Kindergarten was established as a way to interact and socialize. Children today are socialized at daycare or in pre-school so kindergarten has been restructured to meet the demands of academic readiness in the cognitive and social areas of development.

Readiness to learn

School readiness means that the child has the ability to learn and cope in the school environment without experiencing undue stress. Children should be able to separate from their family and trust the adults in the school environment. They need to understand the concept of sharing and how to take turns when playing with other children. Children should also display some level of social skills in how to resolve problems and work cooperatively with their peers. They must be able to adapt to the structure of the school day and follow the instructions from their teacher.

A real assessment of readiness isn’t based on the chronological age alone. Many schools will do an assessment several weeks before school begins that involve cognitive, linguistic, motor skills and social skills. Children that enter kindergarten with limited baseline skills of reading and math are unlikely to catch up with their peers. Many will need support services that require remedial learning with the help of an aide or tutor. Children that don’t test well will have a re-evaluation three to six months later to assess if a developmental specialist or neurologist should be consulted.

Other considerations

There are many different academic settings to consider when choosing a school for your children. There are public, private, religion based, and Montessori schools. Other determining factors are class size, use of aides in the classroom, and if kindergarten is a full or half-day program. Structural considerations would be the locations of the bathroom, playground and lunchroom where interaction with older students should be limited.

There are many different developmental levels and skills found in the classroom. Teachers are working to meet the diversity, developmental needs and abilities of all children. Children learn best by doing. It allows them to learn through exploration and observation. It can also help them to follow their interests while building cognitive and creative talents. As you determine the kindergarten readiness for your children also seek an environment where they can be engaged and interested in learning for their optimal growth and development.

Family reunions

There is a current tendency in our society to be closer to our friends than our relatives. Families today rarely live in the same city making family dinners obsolete and reunions a thing of the past. Historically family reunions have been a time to build family interaction and unity. Having several generations assembled together can give you the opportunity to learn more about your family heritage and strengthen family traditions. This can create a deep sense of belonging to each family member that is passed on to future generations.

Getting organized

Families that are spread out over the United States will often take turns hosting the reunion. This allows extended family members to learn more about the state where the host lives and activities their family enjoys. First delegate information gathering tasks to determine the best location and time of year for the majority of families to attend. Next determine the amount of space needed for the reunion and cost per family. Then reserve the location and notify the extended family of the theme and other activities available in the area while visiting.

Celebrations are central around conversation, food and drink. Sharing favorite recipes from grandparents and asking family members to bring that special dish can be great conversation starters. Look at photo albums from past reunions. Celebrate the life of those who are no longer with you and discuss how they made a difference in your life. Create a time capsule and have the children place items in it each year. They can write a message to themselves sharing their dreams and goals which can be fun to reflect on at a later time.

Traditional reunions have many games and activities for all ages. There is horseshoes, potato sack races, face painting, pie eating contests and scavenger hunts. Other games like Bingo, Family Trivia, Dominoes, and cards are always a favorite. If you have creative family members have them put on a talent show or get out the Karaoke machine and sing your favorite songs together.

New memories

There are many ways to document the reunion and reflect on the great experience with video recorders, digital slide shows or your family Facebook page. Continue to update the family tree with the weddings, births and deaths that occur in the family. This will help you to keep the genealogy current and not let those memories fade quite so rapidly. Friends will come and go in our lives but your family will be with you forever.

Substance abuse affects the family and workplace

Substance abuse disorders affect families of every race, ethnicity, socio-economic status and location. Individuals and families that face personal stressors of illness, death, marital or financial difficulties will often increase their alcohol or drug usage as a way to cope with their pain. The Center for Substance Abuse Treatment (CSAT) located within the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services report that adults from 50 to 59 years of age have increased their illicit drug usage from 2.7% in 2002 to 5% in 2007.

Substance abuse in the home

One in four children under the age of 18 years old live in a home where alcohol misuse or addiction is hurting the family. This can create highly stressful family situations that can often lead to domestic violence in the home. The abuse and neglect that a child experiences in these situations can create an adverse impact on their physical and cognitive development. The emotional stress experienced within the family system can affect a person’s mood, appetite, and sleep cycle. Children whose parents suffer from substance abuse are four times more likely to develop a substance abuse disorder themselves.

Substance abuse in the workforce

Some stress is normal in our lives but extreme stress interferes with productivity and diminishes your physical and emotional well-being. Twenty-five percent of people surveyed by CSAT viewed their job as the top stressor in their lives. Workers reported on the survey that job insecurity and the trend of working longer hours contributed to their substance usage. During difficult economic times people have been known to utilize alcohol or drugs to relieve stress. Other individuals in recovery from substance abuse disorders are at risk for a relapse.

Approximately 20 million adults were classified with substance abuse disorders in 2008 by CSAT. Fifteen million of those adults were employed full or part-time. This impacts the workplace in a variety of ways. The worker that abuses different substances is at risk for deteriorating health, injury, job loss, and family problems. The employer will have increased health costs, lower productivity, and higher absenteeism from those employees with substance abuse disorders.

Finding help

Individuals that need help for their substance abuse often do not pursue it because of cost, stigma, denial of the need, or knowing where to go for their treatment. Do not wait to ask for help. Prolonged exposure to drugs will alter the brain which results in powerful cravings to continue the use of drugs. Those brain changes can make it very difficult to quit abusing substances on your own. Treatment can be initiated voluntarily by the addict or pressured by family, employer, and the legal system.

Addiction is treated and reversed through therapy, meditation exercises and other outpatient or inpatient facility treatment. Recovery is a life-long process where the individual will usually struggle against having relapses. The addict will need ongoing treatment to review coping skills and appropriate use of their support system. The first step to recovery is asking for the help that you need to repair yourself and your family. Don’t let your addiction control your life. Love yourself and family enough to take the steps to change your life. “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” Mahatma Gandhi

Building trust in your relationships

Mutual trust is a shared belief that you can depend on each other to achieve a common goal or purpose. It is the expectancy that people can rely on your word. Building relationships requires building trust. Sex and relationship expert Ian Kerner PhD recently completed a survey with 2,000 women. The survey reported that 44 of wives admitted that they had trust issues and 77% were jealous if their husband had a close female friend. This causes 53% of wives to check their husband’s email and phone messages.

Unable to trust

We resist trusting others based on previous experiences of being hurt or disappointed. Trust is a critical element of a healthy relationship to families, teams, organizations, and communities. Motivational speaker Mike Robbins states, “We put up barriers to keep ourselves safe, but that usually leaves us guarded, leery and insecure, unable to easily create meaningful and fulfilling relationships with people.” No matter how guarded you are in your relationships you can still run the risk of getting hurt.

People that don’t learn to trust will struggle with low self-esteem, worry and fear. Not trusting people can trigger a defensive reaction in relationships which will keep emotional distance present. Some individuals are never able to move past a broken heart or willing to self-disclose their personal history which creates intimacy in a relationship. There are others who have experienced abuse and should utilize counseling for support as they take the steps of learning how to trust again.

Taking the steps

There will be situations where family, friends or co-workers will hurt you or let you down. This will happen because humans are not perfect and expectations may be set too high in the relationship. Begin building trust by observing behaviors of different individuals and look for people who treat others with kindness and respect. Ease into the relationship slowly and meet for lunch or coffee. Then take note if the person talks about others. If the conversation dominates toward gossip the individual will most likely not keep confidences that are shared.

A study from Ohio State University Marilynn Brewer PhD professor of Psychology states “Americans are willing to trust others at first until they are proved wrong. Men look for symbolic connections that you get from belonging to the same group, rather than personal connections that women prefer.” With the relationships in your life attempt to consciously grant trust to create a connection of cooperation and collaboration. Expect the best from people in a genuine healthy way. Find a balance between the openness needed and your personal well-being as you determine how intimate to become in the relationship. Trust frays when there are lies that erode and challenge intimacy. Psychiatrist Frank Pittman wisely reminds us that it is not “whom you lie with. It’s whom you lie to.”

Overcome your fears

Fear is an emotional response to a perceived threat. Fear can make us feel helpless as we face unpredictable life experiences that we have no control of. Sensitive people dwell on the threat of what may happen and will avoid situations that they can’t control or are unfamiliar with. Fear creates physiological responses like heart palpitations, clammy skin, shortness of breath, dry mouth and muscle twitches. The severity of these symptoms can affect the quality of life for the individual experiencing them.

The science of fear

Fear is also a learned experience that is conditioned to the response of pain. This emotion initiates the sympathetic nervous system or the “fight or flight” response. The GABA system helps maintain the flow of stimulation reducing the flow of neural transmission. About 25 percent of us will experience the affects of anxiety and fear at sometime in our life. Memories of fearful experiences will change the encoding of our neuronal connections called synapses. When we anticipate the situation happening again the memory will trigger the previous encoded response stored in the brain.

Free yourself from fear

Fear can be a motivation to change. Rhonda Britten author of Fearless Living states, “Each time you do something and acknowledge yourself for it, what you’re really doing is building your self-confidence.” Self-certain people are aware of their strengths and weaknesses. They have prepared several options knowing that a safety plan creates a feeling of security. Your plan should involve your support system such as family and friends when taking on new challenges. They can provide the love and safety needed to build confidence when facing uncertainty. Isolation will only increase the fearful thoughts and negative emotions you are attempting to resolve.

Analyze your fear with facts. Determine how your fear or thoughts can harm you. Then replace them with the reality of the situation and acknowledging what was fantasy. Review your success and accomplishments when you have faced your fears. Journal your thoughts to help you change your thinking while you change your behaviors. Work to control your thoughts and focus on the positive as you build your confidence to become the person you envision being. Always seek professional help from your physician, counselor and pastor when needed.

Fatherhood

The role of the father has become a difficult one in today’s family system. A 2010 census reports an estimated 24.7 million children in the United States live absent from their biological father. The statistics become more alarming when 40% of these children haven’t seen their father in a year and another 26% of absent fathers live in another state. With the celebration of Father’s Day this week it may be a good time to identify the barriers that keep you from participating in your children’s life.

Single Fathers

Today one in every three homes is headed by a woman and one in every six by a man. Once the divorce is finalized research reports that it may take up to three years to for a family to adjust to their new life style. This can encompass visitation, finances, employment, daycare, and relocating. Becoming a single-parent is challenging and at times overwhelming. Determine what support you need and then begin to establish a network. Review your budget and how to reduce extra curricular expenses. Determine if you qualify for state or federal assistance for food, health care, daycare, counseling, job training or housing. Check on Federal grants for single-parents to retrain or complete their education.

At home delegate chores to each child that are age appropriate and that can be completed in fifteen to thirty minutes. This can be as easy as emptying the trash, loading the dishwasher, running the sweeper, taking care of the pets or doing a load of laundry. With everyone working together you will be able to reduce your stress and teach the children the responsibilities of taking care of their home.

Involved Fathers

Father’s have a unique and crucial role in child development. This nurturing bond will determine school success, healthy self-esteem, mental health and a stronger avoidance to drugs. Data reported by the Family Strengthening Policy Center in December 2005, states that children with involved fathers experience less poverty, perform better in school while completing their education. They will also display fewer behavioral problems and above average cognitive and psychosocial development.

A father should be a positive role model that can provide financial security for their children. He facilitates their moral development and assists in learning important life skills. Loving a child is more than just saying, “I love you.” It’s demonstrated in daily activities throughout their children’s lifetime. Whatever time you have to spend with your children try and become involved in their lives. Learn the names of their best friends and the activities that they participate in. Take part in community activities and plan family outings to facilitate emotional bonding. Volunteer at their school and attend their parent/teacher conferences. Establish a routine that your children will look forward to and know that you will be spending time with them. Father’s continue to play a critical role in the development of their children whether they are living in the household or as a single-parent. Investing your time in the relationship with your children will pay dividends for many years.

Make fun a priority in your marriage

When a couple marries they envision a life together with their best friend. Unfortunately there are many issues that can complicate the relationship such as sex, money, trust, and fidelity. An article published in the Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy report that 45- 55% of women and 50-60% of men will become involved in extramarital sex at some time during their marriage. The individual would intentionally engage in the affair with no intention of leaving their committed relationship.

Cultural differences with marriage and monogamy

There are many published reports that paint a grim picture for a healthy marriage in our society today. The Associated Press reports that 90% of Americans believe that adultery is wrong but 50% will engage in an affair anyway. Our culture is based on the Puritanical view that the violation to wedding vows is an unforgiveable offense. The European culture assumes there will be infidelities in a marriage and allow the option of a mistress or mister. The United States has the highest divorce rate in the world while other European countries have almost half the number of divorces due to their relaxed attitude toward monogamy.

Prioritize your marriage

Studies have found that the happiest married couples have learned how to prioritize having fun together. Having a busy work schedule, attending classes or keeping up with activities that your children are involved in can make this a difficult task. Make a list of activities that you would like to do together. Step out of your comfort zone and try new experiences like dance lessons, plays, concerts, or a cooking class where you can share your thoughts and ideas. Just spending time together isn’t enough to strengthen the relationship. Behavioral scientists report “New experiences activate the brain’s reward system, flooding it with dopamine and norepinephrine which are the same brain circuits that are ignited in early romantic love.” Couples that participated in “exciting” date nights reported a greater increase in marital satisfaction.

Protect your date nights from becoming a time to resolve conflicts. Agree to discuss your concerns at an alternative time like in the morning over breakfast or after completing evening chores. Dr. John Gottman’s research has found that “For every one disagreement, misunderstanding or hurt feeling, they need five positive, affectionate caring or fun interactions to counterbalance it.” Conflict is inevitable in long-term relationships but it can erode the relationship if concerns are used to control the partner or not resolved in a constructive manner. Find the balance needed to actively listen to the concern presented without attacking each other in the process to finding a compromise. Seek counseling when you feel stuck or unable to find a solution to the problem. Sometimes discussing the concern with a neutral party can help to get your relationship back on track and enjoying each other again.

Relocating your family

The decision to relocate your family can involve more than the financial opportunity of career advancement. With the strain of the current economy many families will move due to the loss of income, divorce or the death of a partner and have the need to decrease their living expenses. These changes in our daily life can create emotional turmoil for the entire family.

Emotional Preparation

Whether the move is affecting a child, spouse or aging parent there will be feelings and concerns that should be recognized. It will be important to have open communication and discuss how the move will benefit the family as a whole. Try to be an attentive listener when they share their apprehensions. Empathize and acknowledge their concerns about this important transition in their life. Allow time for them to grieve their loss and work toward acceptance. Then reinforce the positive aspects of the move and how it is the best choice for the entire family.

Moving with children that are 5 to 6 years old can be a difficult time since they are developing a sense of self separate from their parents. They are learning how to adjust to new authority figures and building friendships. A change in their environment during this developmental stage can create an enhanced dependence on parents or separation anxiety. Pre-teens and teenagers will not want to leave their peer group as their sense of self has grown with these relationships. Parents may see signs of distress with a change in appetite, social withdrawal, failing grades, anger, sleep disturbance and mood swings. If your children display escalating emotional duress during this time seek the help of a mental health professional, pastor or school counselor for support.

Family Involvement

Have a family meeting and involve everyone in making the plans for this new adjustment. Utilize the available technology to present information acquired about the community, schools and housing options. Discuss the local activities for everyone at school, church, sports and extra-curricular options. Plan how to continue communicating with family, friends and neighbors by creating a booklet of photos with their contact information. Each family member may want to create their own book of memories. Then plan a “See you soon” party so that you can say good-bye and celebrate your new beginning.

The New Beginning

Having the children pack their favorite items last in their own box will allow them to unpack those items first when you arrive at your new home. This will make their new room feel like home to them. Unpacking the essentials will also get your family back to their routine. The consistency of meals, bed time and play time will normalize the changes and help them to adjust to their new environment. Try to make the first night festive with a picnic in the front room on a blanket or rolling out sleeping bags for an indoor camp out. Then celebrate the memories your family will make together in your new home.

Understanding loneliness

Loneliness is a feeling most individuals struggle with at sometime in their life. In our childhood it happens as you move from school to school. As a young adult you may struggle with loneliness adjusting to a new college environment or taking a new job away from family and friends. You can also feel lonely in a relationship if you are with an individual that is emotionally unavailable.

Emotional and social loneliness

Emotional or social loneliness is what most people experience. Social loneliness is due to a lack of a social network. This evolves when an individual has a more introverted or shy personality. This can also be the workaholic or the individual that has moved to a new area and needs to develop friendships. Emotional loneliness happens when there is an absence of emotional intimacy in your relationships. Research reports that "unfulfilling intimate relationships" are the highest cause of loneliness in American culture today.

Create a plan

If you should find yourself in this situation ask yourself a few questions:
What am I doing or thinking to create these feelings of loneliness?
What is the best way to reach out and connect with people today?
What is something that I can do for others today?

You should create a plan of action that can create positive thoughts for you. Your plan should get you involved with other people that share the same interests as you. It could be an organization of service or just a hobby that interests you. You can also journal to process your thoughts to clarify your plan and interests or find comfort in your prayer life. Take positive steps to help yourself. The only thing you have control of is your mind, body and spirit. Take the positive steps to take care of your personal needs today.

Returning to the dating scene

Entering the dating scene after the end of a significant relationship can be overwhelming. There are several things to consider before initiating the dating game. First give yourself time to heal. Whether you lost your partner to death, divorce or a mutual parting you must grieve the loss. Research reports we need six months of healing for every five years you were involved in the relationship. Use your support system of family, friends, faith and counseling to get through this difficult time.

New beginning

Take time for yourself. Go for a haircut or spa treatment. Head out to the gym for that workout you never had time for. Update your wardrobe and plan an evening out with friends. This time of healing can help you to reconnect with yourself and the things that you enjoy doing.

When you are ready to start dating again let your friends and family know. They may know of a single person that has common interests that you share. If you are in the age group of 45 to 54 years you are more likely to meet a partner online. Harris Interactive surveyed 10,000 people who married in the United States in 2006 and 2007 found 31% from 45 to 54 years met online. Only 18% aged 20 to 44 years met online. Younger adults were still meeting at college, work and other social functions.

Dating can be fun and discouraging. Start with casual activities like a coffee at the bookstore or a drink after work. Try to enjoy your new found freedom of being single. Dating is an important part of the courtship journey. Just relax and have fun.

The blended family

Research has found that it takes at least four years for a stepfamily to blend and longer if the children are older. There is no magic time table for success but children will adjust better to a blended family if there are positive attitudes about the adjustments everyone is experiencing. Families won't bond immediately and you will have to determine ways to merge different routines, rules and personalities.

Steps to blending

It is normal for children to be unsure about their relationship with a new step-parent. When building relationships try to start with just eating as a family, watch a program together, walk the family pet or attend an activity together. Try to take it slow and learn the interests and personalities of the children. Blending families can also be an introduction of new cultures, religions, and hobbies. Communicating those differences can also help the family bond as they learn more about each other.

We can't assume that over time, children will naturally adjust to their new roles and relationships that arise when families are blended. A new parent figure can increase stress in young people because their relationships tend to be more conflict ridden. Problems also arise when teens feel they have to compete for parental attention. Social Science research reports that boys living with half or step-siblings have the most difficulty adjusting to the blended family. Teenagers in families with different biological parents have been reported to have lower grades and more behavioral problems than other adolescents. These problems may not improve over time. If the discord in your family escalates then seek help from a family counselor. Counseling can give your children a new perspective and help them to realize that a blended family surrounds them with more people that care.

Male depression

Men in our country have the cultural expectation of being in control or the "tough guy" when facing a crisis. They believe that expressing their emotions or feelings is considered more of a feminine trait. Therefore men can be reluctant to express their concerns when experiencing symptoms of depression.

Symptoms of male depression The National Institute of Mental Health reports that 6 million men and 12 million women are affected by depression each year. While it may seem that males are less affected by depression they may be just undiagnosed due to repressing their symptoms. Symptoms of male depression can include violent or abusive behavior, over involvement in work or sports, inappropriate rage and risky behaviors. Men also have a tendency to mask their symptoms with alcohol or substance abuse. Depression has been known to affect the male sexual desire and performance. They also report physical symptoms of headaches, digestive problems and chronic pain.

Ask for help Untreated depression can lead to personal, family and financial difficulties. Men will resist mental health treatment due to concerns with the stigma that it could damage their career or lose the respect of their family and friends. If you know a male that is struggling with depression, encourage him to seek treatment with a physician or mental health professional. He may need support from medication management or to learn healthy coping skills in counseling to elevate his mood. There are many effective treatments for depression today so don't think that you have to "tough" it out on your own. Choose today to get help and have a better quality of life.

Understanding mental fatigue

The faced paced lifestyle of adults today is leaving many individuals feeling mentally exhausted. Mental fatigue is predominately found in careers that require a lot of cognitive stamina. It can be a result of working excessive hours, being constantly worried and under extreme duress. You may begin to notice that you have no motivation to complete daily tasks, have difficulty concentrating for any length of time or become concerned with your short-term memory. There could be an increase in making simple mistakes or an inability to finish tasks. Learning to recognize the signs and symptoms of mental fatigue can help you determine what steps you should take to repair your body.

Preventive self-care

Every individual should take a close look at their daily lifestyle to determine what areas need improvement. Make an appointment with your physician for a physical to assess for possible iron deficiency, anemia, thyroid function or an infection that could be causing fatigue symptoms. Then decide if you are consuming the servings suggested from each food group for appropriate nutrition. Caffeine and sugar should be avoided while increasing the intake of fruits, vegetables, and whole grains. Medical experts suggest taking a multivitamin supplement and drinking at least 64 ounces of water to replenish your brain and body.

Sleep

Adults require seven to eight hours of sleep every night. If you are experiencing insomnia it can escalate the symptoms of mental fatigue. Create a routine each night that prepares you for bed. Turn off the lights and any media that will keep your brain stimulated. Your brain will then release the melatonin that regulates the sleep and wake cycles.

Exercise

A study published in the March 2009 Journal of Applied Physiology reports, "Mental fatigue impairs physical performance in humans." Physicians recommend a minimum of 30 minutes of exercise three times a week. Exercise will increase your stamina and the oxygen level in your bloodstream. The brain utilizes 30% if the oxygen in your body, so increasing oxygen in the body will improve cognition.

Taking the steps to maintain a healthy mind, body and spirit should be a part of your daily lifestyle. If you believe that you do not have the time to take care of yourself now, then you will need to make the time later if you become ill. Your best option is to start today and make the right choices for you.

The recession and marriage

Current statistics are reporting that there are more women employed in our country than men. This has been caused by the layoffs and cutbacks in male dominated fields such as banking, manufacturing and construction. Females have traditionally chosen recession proof professions in health care and education. Unfortunately women have continued to earn less and receive fewer benefits. With a reversal of roles in the family a large number of couples are reporting marital stress as they become anxious about their income and retirement benefits. There has also been a 37% decrease in the number of divorces filed due to the financial strain that occurs when a family is divided into two different households.

When you are going through the tough times in life it is important to remember that it's better to have a partner that emotionally supports you. Dr. Noelle Nelson author of Your Man is Wonderful (January 2008) gives helpful suggestions on keeping a positive attitude and avoiding the 'Blame Game'. She states that it is important to face the issue as a team and not adversaries. Couples should focus on the strengths of their partner to explore other possibilities of income. Then set goals to resolve the problems and celebrate your victories together.

As we wait for the economy to stabilize this can be an important time to retrain or return to school. You can contact your social network and let them know you are currently looking for employment to see if they have any leads for you. Use your time well and check on-line employment resources daily while you are job hunting. You can keep your stress under control by exercising daily, eating healthy and sleeping a minimum of seven hours. Discuss with your partner how to equalize household responsibilities and help with the children. If you have a difficult situation that you have not been able to discuss with your partner it might be helpful to seek counseling to relieve those tensions. The loss of employment has created experiences for you that were never planned but realize that the recession will not last forever. Time has a tendency to resolve all concerns.

The chemistry of romance

A first kiss can offer many clues into the soul of a person. That kiss can give insight into a person's sexuality, intentions, patience and health. Research reports that 66% of women will discontinue a relationship after a first bad kiss. The science of kissing states that we smell the person we kiss and unconsciously our brain is responding to their immune system. Anthropologist Helen Fisher PhD of Rutgers University says, "That when you believe someone is a bad kisser it probably means that their immune system is wrong for you. The closer your immune system is to the person you're kissing the more likely it is that the female might reject the fetus." Over 50% of both men and women have reported that they were really attracted to someone until they kissed them.

Biological response

Pheromones are another important chemical that creates attractions which releases through the olfactory system to the brain. This triggers a biological response of "love at first sight". Expert Beverly Palmer PhD believes "that the most important sign of attraction is mutual eye contact." After the initial attraction she states that you will then witness preening from the interested male or female who will begin to mirror your behaviors of touching hair, lips, or crossing legs. This is a signal that states, "I'm interested in you."

Studies have shown that the chemical connection through mutual scents the body produces will attract a potential partner. Keeping that initial passion in a relationship is very difficult as these chemicals need to be newly stimulated. Over time relationships will move from the physical attraction to the deeper emotional intimacy. To revitalize the sexual communication in your relationship try a 10 second to one minute kiss every day. It's what the love doctor orders to arouse the love and lust in your relationship.

Persevere with your resolutions

A New Year's resolution is a ritual of hope that can provide us with the opportunity to evaluate progress with our life goals or personal growth. Unfortunately, many of us will try to begin a resolution on January 1st when we are still eating unhealthy and are transitioning back into our regular routine. Eighty percent of people who try and begin their resolution on January 1st will fail to follow through with it by January 31st. If the resolution is focused on health and fitness goals, 90% will have quit by January 15th.

Change involves sacrifice, motivation and willpower. Don't focus on your past failures in 2010. That can overwhelm your thoughts with negativity of debt accrued, pounds that were gained or relationships that failed. Begin by reviewing the positive aspects of your life. Think about things that you are proud of, what you are grateful for and how you have helped others in your life.


Babysteps

Start your resolution with small significant changes and build on each small success you experience. Set a goal to have a new experience every month this year. It can be as simple as going to a new restaurant each month, reading a book, taking a class or volunteering for a charity. Success with a simple goal will help to build confidence when pursuing a more difficult one. Reward yourself for each success. It doesn't matter how long it takes for you to reach your goal as long as you continue to make progress.

Face your fears in 2011. You will become whatever your choices are, so be fearless this year. Each day you will get closer to obtaining your goal when you begin to waiver on your resolution use your support system to help you persevere. "You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face." Eleanor Roosevelt

Media safety for children

Television has been a part of our culture now for 75 years and video games have been available for the last 30 years. The media has had a huge influence on our children and finding options that are suitable for the whole family are sometimes difficult to obtain. Rating the different media options has helped parents monitor age appropriate materials that their children are exposed to. G-rated films generally are the most suitable for the whole family. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that parents continue to closely monitor what their children watch.

Influence of entertainment mediums

Entertainment mediums rarely show the consequences of unsafe behaviors. This can desensitize children to the real consequences of making unsafe choices. A study published in the February 2010 issue of Pediatrics reported that half the scenes in G-rated and PG-rated movies from 2003-2007 involved children in an unsafe predicament. The study noted the improvement movies have made with displaying the preventive safety practices of wearing seatbelts, using crosswalks, wearing helmets while riding bikes, and using flotation devices when swimming. Children often imitate what they see on television, movies and video games so this has been a positive influential change. The researchers concluded by stating parents should continue to discuss unsafe practices that their children watch and to practice safer behaviors.

Video games have also been known to influence children in making unsafe choices. Aggressive behaviors have been associated to the amount of time children are allowed to play video games. (Walsh 2000) The interactive quality of video games differs from passive viewing of television or a movie because it allows players to become active participants in the violent act. They are then rewarded by being allowed to move up to the next level which will reinforce the behavior. Knowing the ratings and monitoring the set time limits of how often and how long your children play the game can help decrease any potential negative effects.

Despite improvements there are still too many dangerous activities depicted in movies and video games. Injuries to children can be substantially reduced if proper safety recommendations are followed on all items purchased for children. Learning from the circumstances surrounding an accident and taking the opportunity to prevent them in the future will help to keep all children safe.

Clear out the 'muck' in 2011

After storing the holiday decorations for another year, you may have promised yourself to clean out the clutter in your basement, attics, closets and home offices. If you are a recovering "clutter bug" and have difficulty determining what items you should keep or toss you might want to read the advice of this expert. Author Kathi Burns CPO wrote How to Master Your Muck! Get Organized, Add Space to Your Life, Live Your Purpose! She defines muck as "anything that keeps you limited, unproductive, unsuccessful or unfulfilled."

Simplify

Author Ciji Ware of Rightsizing Your Life: Simplifying Your Surroundings While Keeping What Matters Most wants us to follow the 80/20 rule. She states that you can safely let go of 80 percent of the papers that you've kept over the years. You can often find what information you need more quickly on the internet. It is faster and doesn't create any clutter. Both authors believe it's not just about clearing out the clutter but clarifying your life. Muck has been known to assault the human spirit by stealing your energy and creativity. It can clutter your home and office as well as your mind and your life. Growth requires space in your mind, body and spirit. Muck or clutter can hinder that growth.

Change

Today workers in the United States spend six weeks a year looking for important documents. Employees waste 55 minutes daily looking for lost office supplies. Staff members can send and receive over 190 emails daily. Determine what muck you need to remove from your life. Small changes can energize you and bring clarity to your life. You will feel that your life is more manageable and your surroundings will reflect more of the individual that you are. Remove the muck from your life for a new perspective on life.

Teaching your children about empathy

Webster defines empathy as "intellectual or emotional identification with another." Developing this emotional intelligence is another skill that some children seem to have a natural insight to when thinking of other people's feelings. Then there are children who have difficulty seeing outside themselves.

On the news we see sports celebrities, politicians and other role models displaying aggression for status or power when in the spotlight. This pattern seems to be a common occurrence when people speak without thought and later extend an insincere apology for their behavior.

Learning empathy

Dr. June Tierney a psychologist at George Mason University explains that the key is going beyond mere words to actually making amends. He wrote: "Both children and adults can be surprisingly clueless about whether and how to make things right. Little kids are overwhelmed by the spilled mess of milk on the floor. Parents can teach and support them to say 'I'm sorry' and to clean it up, maybe leaving the kitchen a little cleaner than it was before."

If you see your child doing something thoughtless or cruel, let them know right away that you do not feel that was an appropriate response. This will help them to understand that their words and actions have the power to insult and hurt other people. Be honest and firm about the behavior without belittling the child. Then take the opportunity to teach them the appropriate response when apologizing for their behavior. We all make mistakes and hurt people unintentionally at times. Modeling empathy and sincere apologies in your daily life will be the best way for your children to learn how to be kind and think of other people's feelings.