A New Year brings new opportunities

A New Year brings a time of reflection and also a vision of hope. When you review your past successes and errors it can help you determine how to move forward and create the life you envision for yourself. The possibilities are endless as long as you believe in yourself and are motivated to make the necessary changes needed.

Create change

Studies are reporting that it takes 30 days of consistency to change behavioral patterns. This is a difficult, time consuming process for some individuals. Novelist Arnold Bennett states "Any change, even change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts." So if you find change difficult to handle, you are not alone. Change is the only constant that we have in life so it is better to learn how to use it to your advantage.

First30Days is an organization that has outlined several principles to overcome the obstacles of change. First, change your point of view. A positive outlook can motivate you to view the situation from different perspectives. Recognize that you are a stronger than you think and that something good will usually evolve from those challenges associated with change. Accept the process of change, as resistance is usually wasted energy. Remember, that negative thoughts will hinder your progress and you are the only one that can control what you think and feel.

Choices

Life is a gift that we may cherish or waste. If you are unhappy with your present situation take the steps to change it. You only have control of yourself. Do not wait for your spouse, boss, children or family to change. It will never happen unless they decide to make the changes themselves. What you need to realize is that your happiness lies within yourself, not upon others. Create the life you want and the joy will follow.

Helping others during the holiday season

During this time of year the needs of other people are highly publicized on the news. It lets the general public know that there are many families in the community that need our assistance to survive the winter and holiday season. Volunteering your family through your church, school or non-profit organization is a wonderful way to have your family look outside themselves. Families that volunteer together learn how to work as a team as they share the spirit of caring and giving to others. It can also help families to develop better interpersonal communication skills within their family system which strengthens relationships.

Other benefits

The Independent Sector study (1996) reports that children who volunteer do better in school, feel more positive about themselves, and avoid risky behaviors like drugs and alcohol. It can help them develop career goals, learn how to respect others and understand people who are different. Children that have participated in service activities are more likely to vote, have a positive work ethic, and live a socially responsible life. Helping others less fortunate this holiday season can make a difference in your community. It can also make a lifelong impression on your children and family as you work together to help make your community a better place to live.

Blending holiday traditions

The United States is referred to as the "melting pot" nation where all immigrants and their traditions have blended over the centuries. Traditions that your family looks forward to each holiday are originally from different cultures around the world. The Christmas carols we sing are from England. The tradition of decorating the tree is from Germany and St. Nicholas originated in Scandinavia. The Netherlands expanded on the myth to have St. Nicholas or Santa Claus fill the stocking hanging over the fireplace. The United States extended the story by adding the sleigh and eight tiny reindeer.

Blending family traditions

Determing how to celebrate the holidays for divorced or blended families can become difficult with schedule conflicts and trying to combine the traditions that were important to their nuclear family. There are many solutions to the problem if everyone is willing to compromise and experience new traditions. Communicate with non-custodial parents to make sure the children are present for the festivities that are important to them. Try to be flexible and alternate the schedules when possible. Discuss how change can be a positive event when blending your favorite traditions.

Blending family traditions can be a challenging but rewarding experience. When all the changes become overwhelming, try to focus on the reason for the Christmas season. You are not competing with each other but explaining the importance of how your family customs are celebrated. Traditions are about building special memories so that one day your family rituals will be passed on to future generations. Acceptance and acknowledging what is really important to the special people in your life will create the holiday you will all want to remember.

Thanksgiving and gratitude

Thanksgiving is usually a time when families will reflect on the blessings that they have in their life. Research is reporting that we could all live a healthier lifestyle if we would practice being grateful everyday. University of California Davis psychology professor Robert Emmons' research indicates that, "Grateful people take better care of themselves and engage in more protective health behaviors like regular exercise, a healthy diet and regular physical examinations."

Being grateful

Practicing gratitude leaves people feeling joyful, strong and with more energy. If we can make a conscious effort to find something positive in every situation you can decrease your stress and face the obstacles in life with optimism. Living in the moment and being grateful for what you are experiencing now will give you a better quality of life. To encourage positive thinking, write in your journal 5 to 10 things you are grateful for. Try and acknowledge new experiences each day that brought you joy and peace. Make a conscientious effort to be polite to everyone you encounter. Even a simple "thank you" can make someone's day brighter. If you live away from friends and family that you miss, have pictures displayed to remind you of who matters in your life. Then call that special someone to let them know you are thinking of them.

Self-reflection

Some individuals will limit themselves by experiencing life with a sense of entitlement and being preoccupied with materialism. Self-reflection of your life journey can stimulate awareness of how truly blessed you are and leave you with insight on how to appreciate those around you. So in a time when there are so many people out of work and struggling to pay bills discover the blessings in your life. "If you concentrate on finding whatever is good in every situation, you will discover that your life will suddenly be filled with gratitude, a feeling that nurtures the soul." Rabbi Harold Kershner

Holiday planning tips for the special needs child

The holidays are quickly approaching and that will increase demands on our already busy schedules by adding shopping, cooking, and decorating to the list of things to do. The holidays can be an especially stressful time for families that have special needs children. Preparing a child with special needs for the change in routine during the holidays can keep everyone celebrating.

Plan ahead

First make a list of the upcoming activities for your family and determine if your child will be able to tolerate the venture or if it would upset their schedule too much. It may benefit everyone if you only attempt to attend the functions that would cause minimal interruptions to the routine. Review the schedule for each day with your child to relieve any anxiety and anticipation they may feel. Then role play any new social situations to help the child prepare for the event.
You could also practice the social skills needed like taking turns or saying "thank you".

Interventions

If your family plans to travel or have guests at the home create a mini photo album of the people that will attend the activity. You can review the photos frequently helping the child become familiar with their names and faces. Also discuss with your friends and family members how to support your child in new situations. Try to keep routines for bedtimes, naps, meal times the same when possible. When away from home bring along the favorite blankets, pillow, stuffed animals, and night lights that make your child feel safe and comfortable. With a lot of planning and preparation the holidays can be a memorable experience for all of you to enjoy.

Mid-life crisis

People today are constantly seeking happiness in their life. Some people believe that if they purchase a certain item, secure that dream job, or marry that special person, their life will be perfect. Then once that goal is achieved they continue to feel empty inside.

Seeking your purpose

A 2005 study that followed 12,640 middle-aged Hungarians found that those who felt their lives had meaning experienced significant lower rates of cancer and heart disease. "People who feel their life is part of a larger plan and are guided by their spiritual values have stronger immune systems, lower blood pressure, a lower risk of heart attack and cancer, heal faster and live longer," say Harold G Koenig, M.D. professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Duke University Medical Center. Deepak Chopra M.D. author and co-founder of the Chopra Center for Wellness states, "Purpose gives you fulfillment and joy, and that can bring you the experience of happiness."

There is no magic pill for you to take to find your purpose. What you can do is to continue seeking activities that bring you personal joy and fulfillment. Then you will discover your special role or talents for humanity and in turn, that will bring you contentment and happiness.

Surviving Infidelity

Affairs are common and happen for all kinds of reasons. Our culture seems to promote infidelities with the daily news coverage of politicians and celebraties who break their marriage vows. Research shows that men are primarily motivated by the lure of sex while women seek emotional intimacy when having an affair. The National Science Foundation General Social Study (2008) compared data from 1991 to 2006 and found men aged 60 and older had a 28% infidelity rate while women the same age were at 15%. Men under 35 years were at 20% and women at 15%.

Loss of trust

Once the partner has discovered the infidelity their emotions will roller coaster between anger and self-blame. Men view infidelity as a statement about their manhood. They will become angry and have more difficulty moving past the affair. Women feel more violation if the male became emotionally attached to the woman her husband had the affair with. Both individuals must try and make sense of the infidelity and determine if they want to work on their relationship. This means all of the lies must stop and both individuals will have to work through the pain and guilt of the affair. Finally if the couple chooses to move forward they must start by rebuilding trust with each other. Trust in the relationship has been deeply damaged and the couple must communicate honestly about their relationship daily to repair that trust.

Healing

Most couples will need marital counseling to guide them through this process of healing and forgiveness. The violated partner will need to be strong and give the relationship time to heal. Work on nurturing yourself and striving to do things as a couple again. Infidelity is a huge mistake that can be used to evaluate and learn how much you love and value your partner. Only when both partners are committed in the relationship will the marriage be able to survive this violation of trust.

Prepare your child for team sports

Team sports are a classic way to get children active socially and physically with their peers. Not all children are ready or willing to engage in a team sport and would rather choose a solitary activity. The National Institute of Health (NIH) reports that the pediatric neurological maturation process is very complex. The sense of social comparison is not achieved until after 6 years of age and the ability to understand the competitive nature of sports is usually not achieved until 9 years of age. By 12 years of age most children are mature enough to comprehend the complex tasks of sports and are physically and cognitively ready to participate in competitive sports with appropriate supervision.

Developmental guidelines

As the school year progresses there are several team activities that are available to your children. Here are a few suggestions to consider when deciding if your children are ready to engage in a team sport.

• Does he/she display an interest in organized sport?
• Is her/his emotional maturity similar to that of their peers?
• How well does your child accept defeat?
• How well does your child take directions from other adults?
• Is your child large enough and coordinated enough to minimize injury?

For children under the age of 6 years of age a team activity where no score is kept and everyone is a winner is a great way to learn skills. As children grow and mature they will become ready for the more competitive edge that is required. Up until the age of 11 years of age children are still learning how to build friendships, just as they are learning about teamwork.

Try to guide your child toward their interests and strengths. Make sure it is their desire to play a team sport and not an extension of a parent's ego. Sports can be another wonderful learning experience for participants and players alike.

Suicide rate for girls has increased

Federal health officials report in a 2006 study that the suicide rate among preteen and teenage girls rose to its highest level in a decade. This statistic affects girls from ages 10 - 14 years of age. The preferred method of suicide was hanging or suffocation (71%) which surpassed guns. Suicide is the 11th leading cause of death. Every 15 minutes someone tries to take their own life and there are over 800,000 attempts a year.

Warning signs

This is a wake-up call for parents to become more aware of their children's emotional needs and the pressures that they face daily. Dr. Keri Lubell who led the study states, "Parents and other caring adults should look for changes in youth such as talking about taking one's life, feeling sad or hopeless about the future. Also look for changes in eating or sleeping habits, and even losing the desire to take part in favorite activities."

Interventions

The National Center for Disease Control and Prevention is advising that health officials consider focusing on suicide prevention programs for girls 10 - 19 and boys between 15 -19 years of age to reverse these startling statistics. They also suggest that parents monitor or restrict children's access to pills, weapons, or other lethal means of self-harm.

Another important intervention would be to stay emotionally connected to your child by being involved in their school activities, friends, and academics. You can also plan family time together or special outings together to keep your relationships strong. Families that center their life on their faith and church have a strong foundation of love that also helps them endure the trials of life. If you see that your child is struggling and drifting from your family system, you may want to seek professional help as an intervention. Counseling could help your child cope with their anxiety and depression which can bring hope to the whole family.

Family meals nourish relationships

When both parents work outside of the home cooking the evening meal becomes another task to fit into an already busy schedule. Many families are eating on the run or in route to the evening activities for their children. Traditional family meals together are rapidly becoming a thing of the past. This family ritual has been an important bonding time for the family over several generations. It not only teaches your children the proper social etiquette when dining but also encourages healthy eating habits. Studies are also reporting that the children who eat a family meal together are not only engaging in a healthier lifestyle but their grades are better and they also display higher self-esteem.

Creative time management

If planning meals is a time consuming task for your family you may want to try Super Suppers or Make & Take Meals for an option. They both offer different menus each month. You call ahead to schedule your appointment to go in and make your meals. You can usually prepare 12 meals in a couple of hours. Take a helper with you and make it an activity to do with your children or significant other. It can help you save time, stay in your budget and eat nutritious meals. It sounds like a win/win for everyone.

Emotional eaters

There are many people today who use food to comfort or sooth themselves. They are emotional eaters or stress-induced eaters. If you are searching the cupboards when you are anxious, depressed, stressed or bored that is a sign that you are using food for comfort and not nutrition. Although food can provide comfort for a brief time, it usually leads to overeating and weight gain. Certain foods, especially carbohydrates that are high in sugar and fat increase our neurotransmitters or "feel good" chemicals in our brain like serotonin or dopamine. After eating those food types you will feel a slight lift in your mood or energy level that is comforting. The problem is this process can lead to weight gain.

Self-discipline

This pattern can happen to anyone. People who can usually control their food intake will lose their self-discipline when faced with stressors that seem beyond their control. Instead of stuffing your feelings with food, you can look for healthier ways to release your emotions. Write down what you eat, when you eat, and how you feel when you are binging can help you monitor this behavior. You could also take your pet for a walk, ride your bike, listen to music or work on your hobby. If you are unhappy with yourself, then connection between emotions and eating is the first step for any weight loss you desire. "Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself." Leo Tolstoy. Start today to make the changes you would like to see in yourself.

Back to school separation anxiety

If you are the parent of a shy or anxious child, starting the school year can be a difficult time for both of you. The child can be excited about the concept of school but at the same time display fear leaving the safety of their home. The parent is aware of this fear and can become anxious to create a smooth transition from home to school for their child.

It will be important for the parent or caregiver to not display their anxiety about the concern or become over protective when in social situations. Knowing your child's triggers and preparing them for the experience is a good step to take in helping them learn how to cope with the separation. It is important that the parent support the child but not enable them to continue their pattern of distress.

Baby steps

Start with small gatherings that are structured so that your child can build on their successes. You could attend a story hour at the library, church function or trade childcare with a friend while you run errands. These short absences will build trust with your child and assure them that you will return. It will also help them to build confidence by developing social skills with their peers.

When you enroll your child into school you can show them where their classroom will be so that they can visualize going to school each day. Focus on the positive aspects of returning to school and that you will be there at the end of the day to hear about the fun that they had while learning.

Most children will out grow these concerns as they establish a strong sense of self and confidence in their abilities. Their family will always be an important place of safety through their growth and development to learn the skills for a happy childhood. Separation anxiety affects 4 percent of children 6 to 12 years old. If you don't see progress after attempting these suggestions you will want to seek the advice of your pediatrician for a professional referral.

Backpacks that make the grade

With the academic season under way we will see many children carrying heavy backpacks to and from school. For some children it is mainly books, for others it is band instruments and sports equipment. These items can weigh a lot, and the majority of the weight is supported by your children's back. The American Academy of Pediatrics has recommended that children carry no more than 10 percent of their weight in a backpack.

Helpful suggestions

Studies report that children carry too much weight on their back. Backpacks have been found to trigger nearly half of the back pain that had been reported and most children only carry their backpacks for 10 to 15 minutes daily.

You can protect your child's back by:

• Choose a backpack that has two wide padded straps that go over the shoulder. Make sure your children put both arms through the straps, not just one. You may also want to consider buying your child the wheeled backpack as an alternative.
• Monitor what your children carry. The total weight should not be more than 10 percent of a child's body weight.
• Teach your children to pack the heaviest books closest to their backs.
• Coach your children to go to their lockers as often as possible to minimize the time that they are carrying their books.

Teaching your children these health tips to lighten their load will benefit their back as an adult. You might want to check the weight of your purse or briefcase that you carry each day. Females that carry a purse along with a backpack had significantly more back pain than females who didn't. If your children or adolescent complain of back pain you may want to consult a chiropractor to prevent any problems that may occur during their growth and development.

Set your body clock for school

As temperatures soar to 100 degrees and summer is gearing up it's time to prepare for back-to-school. Your children are probably excited about whom their teacher will be this year, seeing their friends again and buying their new school supplies. The one thing they won't want to think about is going to bed earlier.

With the advanced technology competing for your child's waking hours, it is not surprising to hear that most children are sleep deprived. A recent Kids Health Kids Poll estimated that 62 percent of children ages 9 to 13 do not get enough sleep and 70 percent were wishing they could get more sleep. Experts recommend that school-age children receive 9 to 10 hours of sleep each night.

Bedtime routine

Establish a consistent bedtime routine is the best intervention in helping your child prepare for the next day. Here are a few suggestions to try:

• Set a bedtime for school nights, and stick with it.
• Make sure that all homework and other preparations for the next day are completed early enough in the evening, so that your child gets to bed on time.
• Have your child complete their nightly hygiene routine at least 30 minutes before their bedtime.
• After your child has completed their evening tasks, allow them some quiet reading time to slow down, and relax before bed.
• Spend some time with your child discussing their day and activities. Ask your child about any projects or concerns that they may have and need assistance with.
• Say good night to your child and state your expectations about staying in bed in a kind but firm voice.

Good self-care

Ensuring that your child is rested for the day is also important in helping their immune system fight infection effectively. Children that are sleep deprived are likely to be ill more often, have a negative outlook on life, and display poor social skills when interacting with others. Helping your child get enough sleep is just one more step in teaching your child self-care skills for life. Let's start the school year right and set your body clock tonight!

College bound student

It's a proud day when you watch your child leave for college. As a parent you have been working toward this moment since your child was born. This transition from child to young adult can be exhausting and emotionally draining for the parent. You have done all the preparatory work with finances, dormitory room preparation and now you are ready to give your college-bound freshman a positive send-off.

Launching your student

Emotionally parents must be prepared to let go of their young adult and develop a new role of support. College is a huge economic investment for parents and student alike so discussing expectations should be done early in the preparation stage. Your college bound student should be able to balance their checkbook, know how to make their own doctor appointments and fill prescriptions as needed.

If your student calls in a panic, coach them through the choices that are available. This is an important learning situation for them to build confidence in themselves. Your student will be faced with many new dilemmas from roommates to college professors. Try not to become too involved with these concerns. Trust your student to resolve the concern to the best of their abilities. Let your student know you are proud of them and will be supportive in this time of transition. Send them e-mails and text messages to let them know you are thinking of them.

The days will pass quickly and your student will be home to visit on the holidays. You will see them grow to the adult you have always envisioned. It will be a memory to celebrate together.

Warning signs of an abusive relationship

Emotional abuse, verbal abuse and domestic violence are on the rise in relationships, especially among young people. During the early stages of a relationship, your partner is not likely to display abusive behaviors, but it is sometimes possible to predict if a person could become abusive by being observant of different personality traits. Not all individuals will display the same signs but the more signs that you observe the greater chance violence will occur. As the abuser becomes more confident in the relationship you will see an increase to dominate or control and manipulate the victim. Both male and female genders are known to be in the role of perpetrator and victim.

Warning signs

One warning sign would be jealousy in a relationship. Jealousy is not a sign of love but a sign of insecurity and possessiveness with the perpetrator. The partner may try to control behaviors by not allowing the significant other see their friends, wear certain clothes, talk negatively about the opposite gender or make belittling comments.

The perpetrator will also try to make their partner rush into a commitment, while making statements of "being in love at first sight". This is usually because it is difficult for them to maintain a normal dating relationship for any length of time. If the partner is cautious to commit, the abuser has been known to start blaming the victim for problems that start to evolve in the relationship. The abuser will begin to criticize their partner on appearance or daily tasks that are done and pressure their partner to be perfect. When the partner can't meet the expectations, the abuser can escalate to violent behavior.

Assess the situation

If your partner is displaying these behaviors it is important to stop rationalizing the behaviors as normal. Discuss them with your partner and watch their reaction. If the partner chooses not to take any responsibility for the concerns then you should be wary of continuing the relationship. Set firm boundaries with the individual and monitor their responses. If the partner continues to violate your personal space or attempt to intimidate you it is time to start looking for a new potential partner.

Get a good night's sleep

As we all experience the current recession there are many of us struggling to sleep through the night. When suffering from anxiety and depression or under extreme duress our mind will start to processing our concerns while we are trying to fall asleep or wake us up after sleeping for a couple of hours. It is very difficult to problem solve concerns if we are fatigued and irritable.

Prevention magazine reports simple steps that everyone can follow so that they can "sleep like a baby."

• Make breakfast your heaviest meal.
• Cut out the caffeine after 2 PM.
• Go outside when it is sunny to reset your awake-sleep cycle.
• Drink your eight, 8 oz. glasses of water each day.
• Exercise every day, preferably in the morning.
• Take a 15 minute nap when needed.
• Go to bed when you are sleepy.
• Move the television out of the bedroom.
• Create a sleep schedule and stick to it.

If you have difficulty falling asleep and have for several months you could be sleep deprived. Wichita has several specialists in this area that you may want to consult with. There is Tallgrass Sleep Center, Via Christi Sleep Disorders Center, Sleep Medicine Center of Kansas and Comprehensive Sleep Disorders and Neurodiagnostic Center of Kansas. Practice good self-care daily and seek professional help when needed to have the quality of life that you deserve.

Fall in love with your spouse again

Divorce rates are remaining steady at 50% survival rate for first marriages. If you are struggling to not be a part of the latest statistic then you might want to read Dr. Laura Berman's new book Real Sex for Real Women. She has worked as a sex educator, researcher, and therapist for the last 18 years. Dr. Berman has a few ideas on how to put that spark back into your dying romance.

• Be the model of change. If you believe your partner is not loving, understanding or appreciative of your concerns then model those behaviors for your partner. You will get what you give in a relationship.
• Own your 100 percent. Own your part of the problem that occurs in the relationship and then take the necessary steps to correct them.
• Initiate sexual contact. If you want a more passionate sex life then initiate the contact with your partner and work to make that happen.
• Talk about your needs in a positive manner. Stop the blame game and speak to your partner in "I" messages. Explain your needs and work together to resolve them.

Then take the steps to stay connected to your partner. Make plans for a date night. Share new experiences together and try not to focus only on your day to day stressors. Relationships are a constant work in progress. It doesn't get easier, you just have to be more creative.

Fathers are a positive influence to their children's education

Currently only 25% of the children in our country are living with both of their biological parents. That means that the majority of children today are living in single parent households or with a blended family. This has created a multiple of tensions to the family system and a strain to relationships. The education system reports it has been difficult to involve divorced parents in their child's education.

Education Secretary Arne Duncan is asking for fathers to become more involved in their children's education. Duncan stated that the school system has done a poor job of including fathers in the education process. Fathers play an important role in a child's education. His actions can help motivate a child's success or discourage them from educational achievement. "When fathers step up, students don't drop out. When fathers step up, young folks have greater dreams for themselves," Duncan said. U.S. Department of Education founded a program eleven years ago Watch D.O.G.S. (Dads of Great Students). They discovered that men in schools translated to higher student achievement and fewer disciplinary problems.

National Center for Education Statistics report children in two parent homes where the father is highly involved get better grades, enjoy school more, and are less likely to repeat a grade. Fathers are more likely to promote a child's intellectual and social development through physical play. A mother's impact is more likely to transpire while talking and teaching as a caregiver.

Whether the father lives at home or has visitation with his children he can still make an impact as a parent. Fathers can get involved in their children's school and attend parent-teacher conferences. They can turn off the television and read together or have a family game night instead. Fathers can also call their children daily or coach a sport to stay emotionally connected and involved in daily events. Parents and educators working together for the well-being of the children in their care will create confident leaders of the future.

Take control of your stress

Balancing your family's needs will always bring more stress into your life than you want. Many people today face long hours at work, financial pressures and problems with spouses and children. This stress will release chemicals into your body that affect every cell within you.

There are five simple techniques that you can learn to keep a clear mind, body and spirit.
Here is how to take control:

• Just breathe. Stop and take two or three deep breathes whenever you are feeling anxious and overwhelmed. Fill your diaphragm completely and release the cleansing breath slowly. This small act will release parasympathetic chemicals in your body that will leave a calming effect for you.
• Think positive. Whenever we stop to think about all the blessings in our life and how grateful that we are for our gifts we send a chemical message throughout our body that life is good. Close your eyes and visualize what is endearing to you and breathe. The experience can change your life.
• Slow down. It seems we are always multi-tasking and making lists to complete everything that we feel is important to do. Try going for a walk or getting some type of exercise for 30 minutes to release your stress in a positive way. That list will still be there and you will feel more refreshed and ready to tackle it when you return.
• Love yourself. We all make mistakes, but sometimes we are very hard on ourselves when we make them. Support yourself by taking responsibility for your choice and then make a plan on how to move forward.
• Let it go. There will be times in your life when you need to recognize that you cannot change the situation. You will need to release it to your belief system, or high power and then move forward. Dwelling on the issue will not change the results. Learn from the experience and do your best not to repeat the mistake.

Sometimes just breaking from your daily routine by planning lunch with your spouse or a friend can help revitalize you. Wichita has several spas where you could get a massage to pamper yourself or schedule an appointment to get your hair and nails done. Taking care of your emotional well-being can seem like a full time job sometimes, but the benefits can be a better quality of life for you and your family.

Life after loss

The death of a loved one is life altering. The transition from wife to widow, husband to widower can be a very difficult one. As in any loss, the death of a spouse brings feelings of depression, erratic moods, disrupted sleep and obsessive thoughts about the deceased. This can be happening while being overwhelmed with questions and urgent decisions that need to be made.

Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross (1969) introduced the "Five stages of Grief". People can experience these stages during any major life changes such as loss of job, health, relationship, pet or financial stability. The individual and family will progress through the stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance in their own way. There is no specific way to grieve. Each person will experience grief based on their culture, social and personal beliefs. Their personal relationship with the deceased person will also impact the bereavement.

The survivor must give themselves permission to grieve. Postponing your time to mourn will only delay and compound your grief reaction. Your reaction to the death from unexpected or anticipated circumstances can make you experience a wide range of emotions from shock, numbness, pain and anger. Grieving is full of ups and downs like a roller coaster. Special events like a wedding, birth, or holiday can trigger a strong emotional response, but difficult times will become less intense and shorter as time goes by.

It's important not to grieve alone. Use the support of family and friends. Draw comfort from the faith you practice. Join a support group or speak with an experienced counselor. Suppressing your grief can lead to depression, anxiety, substance abuse and other health concerns. Grief can affect your health so maintain your self-care with the appropriate rest, proper nutrition, regular exercise and physical check-up with your doctor.

You will have good and bad days with moments of joy or happiness. Life has a way of throwing moments our way that can wake us to the possibilities of a better tomorrow. If you need support during your time of bereavement contact a counselor, pastor or a grief support group for the help you may need.

Early signs of Autism

Autism has been defined as a neurological disorder that affects the ability to communicate and interact socially with others. Science and research have determined that genetics, environment, and other variables with the individual's immune system may be the cause of Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). The Centers for Disease and Control report that 1% of the children in the United States or approximately one child in 91 will be diagnosed with an autism disorder. There are four times as many boys diagnosed with autism than girls. ASD can range from the mild, moderate to severe symptoms that can be detected in an infant as young as nine months old with a pediatric specialist.

Early Detection

Parents will notice specific developmental delays with their infant that will concern them. The most common worry reported is that their child doesn't turn toward a sound or respond when their name is called. Children with ASD will struggle with eye contact, smiling, or having an interest in facial expressions. They don't babble sounds at 12 months when interacting with their caregivers. Language delays are noted at 18 months as children should have a two word response by 24 months.

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that pediatricians evaluate children for autism beginning at nine months. Specialist's report that the earlier a diagnosis of ASD is detected will increase the likelihood a child will have normal growth and development. Developmental screenings will help physicians monitor delays and refer the child for a specialty assessment and treatment.

Interventions

"The environment in the early years has an active role in shaping the brain," says Geraldine Dawson PhD a leading autism researcher and director of Autism Center at the University of Washington. "What we see in autism may be partly the result of not engaging with the social environment. So if you engage the baby through an intervention you might prevent or at least reduce the development of autism symptoms."

There are several locations in Wichita, Kansas area that utilize early childhood specialists for screening children that are displaying symptoms of developmental delay. These resources can also help parents with daily living skills, parenting and behavior management for their ASD child. Parents should seek answers to the questions that they have about their child's development at Rainbows United, Heartspring, Kansas School of Medicine, Prairie View and Comcare to determine the care that their children would benefit from.

Simple acts of kindness can revitalize your relationship

Creating a healthy relationship with someone else starts with knowing yourself. Your attitude is the key to understanding yourself and the world you live in. It's up to you to make the mental shift from a negative to a positive perspective which allows you to see the possibilities in your life. "Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."

Sara Blakeslee of Marriage and Family Therapy Institute said, "Your should be in touch with your emotional side and be able to communicate those feelings in a constructive manner." Most people are looking for a trustworthy companion who they can spend time with and have fun with. Sometimes the small, daily challenges in a relationship can have you focusing on the problems instead of the positive aspects of your relationship. Blakelee's new book, 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great, gives simple steps on how to enhance your marriage or relationships. "Expect less, get more; give incentives and rewards; have daily briefings; implement change; an keep costs low, benefits high." Another suggestion the book states is to build communication with the use of "affective affirmation" or speaking nice and affirming words to your spouse. This positive interchange will initiate the necessary alteration that can transform a relationship instantly.

Simple acts of kindness can rekindle feelings of love, respect and admiration in a relationship. "It's not about the elaborate trips or expensive dinners," motivational speaker Jay Forte explains. "Rather life becomes an event when you pay attention to the details that show you care." Celebrate your relationship this week by recreating your first date, pull out old photos to recall fun memories or dance to music from your dating years. Surprise your partner with filling up their car with gas, unloading the dishwasher or purchasing a book by their favorite author. These thoughtful gestures let your partner know you are thinking about them and display the behaviors that say, "I love you."

Money management and marriage

One of the most difficult things to agree on in a relationship is how to manage the finances. In most relationships one person is responsible for budgeting and paying the bills on time. Blended families have a more complex system with additional burdens of child support, alimony, and future college bills to consider. Louis Scatigna author of The Financial Physician believes that couples should manage their money together. He states that the best option is for the couple to sit down monthly to discuss bills, savings and investment options before writing checks. Sharing the financial burden will help the couple shift from "adversaries to teammates who can strategize, motivate, and hold each other accountable" for the spending.

Another advantage is that the couple could work together to set realistic goals. Unrealistic expectations can create conflict or make a partner feel like their goals are being sabotaged. The couple should create goals they are both motivated to accomplish. This can be a savings account, family vacation or to purchase larger items like an automobile. If one person is controlling the finances it can create a parent-child dynamic. Kansas State University's Institute of Personal Financial Planning, Kristy Archuleta says, "to rebalance, the parent character has to cede an equal amount of power and responsibility to the child in the relationship, so that they are both acting more like adults together."

Each couple should have an established dollar amount that they are allowed to spend without consulting their partner. This can allow the individual to purchase items that are important to them without creating conflict with the partner. Dr. Scott Haltzman author of The Secrets of Happy Families says,"Successful relationships are based on the establishment of trust, and a spend-first/apologize-later strategy feels like a betrayal." Couples could also create their own accounts for discretionary spending for those purchases that are separate from family goals.

When raising a family there always seems to be more needs than there is money available. We need to learn how to break the cycle of spending beyond our means of income. "The people who really have the financial lives they want understand themselves on the inside first," says Brent Kessel author of It's Not About the Money. First ask yourself why you want the item. Determine if it is a "want or need". If it is an impulsive purchase Kessel suggests you ask yourself why you want the item. Then let the impulse pass so that you avoid creating any feelings of remorse or grief. Learning to establish financial boundaries and maintain your long term financial goals will help maintain a healthy marriage.

Putting your heart at risk

Two new studies have reported that the number of heart attacks is rising among middle-aged women and falling among men. The mortality rate for women is higher after a heart attack than for men at this time. Health professionals are emphasizing the importance of maintaining preventive interventions for cardiovascular risks by eating healthy, regular physical activity and not smoking. Another positive factor for a healthy heart is maintaining good social relationships.

Conflictual relationships can moderately increase the risk of coronary stress. Men and women who experienced conflict in their closest personal relationships were 34% more likely to have a heart attack or agina. "The possibility that negative close relationships are more powerful predictions of health than other aspects of social support is consistent with previous research findings indicating that individuals tend to mentally replay negative encounters more than they replay positive ones," the researchers wrote. Researchers noted that depression, low self-esteem, and anger have been found to influence coronary disease through the cumulative 'wear and tear' on organs and tissues caused by alterations of autonomic functions.

All couples have conflict but if your relationship is constantly under stress and strain the risk of heart attack increases 34%. A study a published in the Archives of Internal Medicine reports from a 12-year study of more than 9,000 men and women, that people who reported chronic conflict in their closet relationship had the highest risk of heart disease. This is due to the intense flood of hormones that is triggered when individuals become angry or stressed. The hormones cause the heart to beat faster, increase blood pressure and wears on the cardiac blood vessels. Unhappy marriages were also found to increase self-destructive behaviors of poor diet and increased smoking or drinking.

To avoid a heart attack see your family physician to discuss any lifestyle changes that you may need help with to reduce blood pressure, cholesterol or to quit smoking. For a healthy heart eat more seafood, nuts and increase your exercise routine. If your relationship needs a check-up consider going to counseling or seeing your pastor for guidance. Learning how to "agree to disagree" can mend your relationship and your heart.

The chemistry of romance

A first kiss can offer many clues into the soul of a person. That kiss can give insight into a person's sexuality, intentions, patience and health. Research reports that 66% of women will discontinue a relationship after a first bad kiss. The science of kissing states that we smell the person we kiss and unconsciously our brain is responding to their immune system. Anthropologist Helen Fisher PhD of Rutgers University says, "That when you believe someone is a bad kisser it probably means that their immune system is wrong for you. The closer your immune system is to the person you're kissing the more likely it is that the female might reject the fetus." Over 50% of both men and women have reported that they were really attracted to someone until they kissed them.

Phermones are another important chemical that creates attractions which releases through the olfactory system to the brain. This triggers a biological response of "love at first sight". Expert Beverly Palmer PhD believes "that the most important sign of attraction is mutual eye contact." After the initial attraction she states that you will then witness preening from the interested males or female who will begin to mirror your behaviors of touching hair, lips, or crossing legs. This is a signal that states, "I'm interested in you."

Studies have shown that the chemical connection through mutual scents the body produces will attract a potential partner. Keeping that initial passion in a relationship is very difficult as these chemicals need to be newly stimulated. Over time relationships will move from the physical attraction to the deeper emotional intimacy. To revitalize the sexual communication in your relationship try a 10 second to 1 minute kiss every day. It's what the love doctor orders to arouse the love and lust in your relationship.

Take the "Love Dare" this month

The month of February bombards us with commercials of purchasing certain products to display the love that you feel for the people in your life. As we struggle with the different relationships in our lives, most people realize that there is more to intimacy than just purchasing an item. People come from all walks of life and from all over the world. We come in all shapes and sizes, old and young with different hopes and dreams. The one thing that we all have in common is that each and every one of us desire to matter and be loved.

People show that they care for one another in their words, actions, and attitudes that are displayed each and every day. This gift has no dollar value and must be nurtured for it to thrive. It may cost you your time to simply be with someone when they are sad, hurt or lonely. There are unlimited ways that you can let the people in your life know you are thinking of them. You may make their favorite meal or surprise them by purchasing tickets to a special show or event. Plan a special evening alone or finish the "honey do" list that has been pending for months. Money and gifts can prove their love for one day but it can leave you lonely for the remainder of the year.

Over time relationships can become strained with the pressures of life and couples desire to renew or rekindle their love. The Love Dare written by Alex and Stephen Kendrick who are pastors at Sherwood Baptist Church in Albany, Georgia wrote a forty-day guided devotional experience that leads your heart back to truly loving your spouse. Each day asks you to look at specific ways to display love to your partner to heal your relationship. These are simple acts of love that can also be used for children, extended family members or anyone who been difficult for you to display unconditional love to. So this Valentine's Day challenge yourself to improve or revitalize your relationships all year round.

"If you find it in your heart to care for somebody else, you will have succeeded." Maya Angelou

Finding Mr. or Ms. Right

With Valentine's Day two weeks away, single people will again question why they haven't been able to find "The One". They will review their list of past partners and question their reasons on why the relationship fell apart. Single people will usually have a list of characteristics that they would like for that special someone to have. The problem is that no man or woman is going to have everything that you wish for. Determining what characteristics are most important to you would be the first step to finding that special partner you are seeking.

Generations of people have been fooled by happily-ever-after films that program us to believe that Mr. or Ms. Right is out there if we keep searching. Lori Gottlieb author of Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough states, "We grew up idealizing marriage, but if we'd had a more realistic understanding of its cold, hard benefits, we might have done things differently. So we walk away from uninspiring relationships that might have made us happy." Gottlieb claims that women often deny themselves any chance of finding happiness by failing to downgrade their expectations.

Experts agree that you must have the following characteristics in a successful relationship. A strong relationship must have love and the commitment to work through those difficult trials that are encountered with marriage. Relationships can't last without the willingness to forgive their partner at times, as we are all imperfect and will make mistakes. Couples must also have good communication skills to discuss important issues and make life plans together. This important skill will keep a couple connected even when physical affection is not possible. A couple should also have several interests that they enjoy doing together but also take the time for the individual interests that are entertaining. Finding "The One" shouldn't be complicated if you're confident in what you are looking for. Be what you desire in a relationship and the right person will be attracted to your characteristics.

The power of truth in relationships

A new survey states that the average person tells four lies a day or 1,460 lies a year. By the time an individual is 60 years old they will have told a whopping 88,000 lies. The most common lie is "I'm fine." It's an automatic reply, when we are asked how we are feeling or how our day is going. The majority of us will say this without even thinking about it because it is a social reply utilized more as a common courtesy. Other common lies that people tell are stated when asked about their weight, age, how they liked a gift or why they missed an appointment. Lies are considered a defense mechanism used to avoid consequences or not wanting to hurt someone's feelings.

Gary King the author of The Power of Truth believes that we become stronger, more self-confident and have deeper connections with everyone when you simply tell the truth. King states "When you don't lie to yourself or anyone else there is a shift in consciousness. Honest people will display more courage and confidence in the way that they walk, stand, voice tone and the communication they have with the people they love."

It is difficult to discern the body language of a person who is lying to you. Dr. Paul Ekman author of Telling Lies and Clues to Deceit in the Marketplace, Politics and Marriage states that we shouldn't attribute a lot of meaning to shifting eyes or squirming body language when assessing the truth. Ekman said that non-verbal communication discloses emotion and that emotion can be fear of being caught or fear of not being believed. Some people can transmit very sincere body language and speech but are known to be pathological liars. Eckman believes that the most common vocal deception cues are pauses and speech errors. This will occur when they haven't worked out their lie ahead of time or didn't anticipate the questions.

To best determine if someone is lying you must first know their baseline behaviors. Note their normal speech patterns, gestures, and facial expressions. Then ask them for specific details about the topic being discussed or questioned. Liars avoid details and will often be evasive with their answer because it is difficult for them to remember what they have previously said. So when you think someone has lied to you, restate the question to give them an opportunity to correct themselves. Hopefully, they will change their mind and accept the option to tell the truth.

Persevere with your resolutions

A New Year's resolution is a ritual of hope that can provide us with the opportunity to evaluate progress with our life goals or personal growth. Unfortunately, many of us will try to begin a resolution on January 1st when we are still eating unhealthy and are transitioning back into our regular routine. Eighty percent of people who try and begin their resolution on January 1st will fail to follow through with it by January 31st. If the resolution is focused on health and fitness goals, 90% will have quit by January 15th.

Change involves sacrifice, motivation, and willpower. Don't focus on your past failures in 2009. That can overwhelm your thoughts with the negativity of debt accrued, pounds that were gained or relationships that failed. Begin by reviewing the positive aspects of your life. Think about things that you are proud of, what you are grateful for, and how you have helped others in your life.

Start your resolution with small significant changes and build on each small success you experience. Set a goal to have a new experience every month this year. It can be as simple as going to a new restaurant each month, reading a book, taking a class or volunteering for a charity. Success with a simple goal will help to build confidence with a more challenging one. Reward yourself for each success. It doesn't matter how long it takes for you to reach your goal as long as you continue to make progress.

Face your fears in 2010. You will become whatever your choices are, so be fearless this year. Each day you will get closer to obtaining your goal and when you begin to waiver on your resolution use your support system to help you persevere. "You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face." Eleanor Roosevelt

Real men don't cheat

The recent infidelity of Tiger Woods has brought the core values of marriage back into the spotlight. Relationships are a high risk venture as the divorce rate continues to hover at fifty percent. However, many people regret their decisions to leave their marriages and 80% consider going back to their spouse after separating or divorce. All relationships will have their unique moments of pain to overcome. Each individual will need to assess whether they can forgive their partner for the pain experienced and determine if there are enough positive aspects of the relationship to save it.

Musician Greg Middleton has written a book titled Real Men which discusses the loss of values within marriage and family today. Middleton states, "Men have lost their focus and need to be reminded of core essential values." He is concerned about the impact this loss will have on future generations. Middleton's Real Men seminars target 18 to 39 year old men. He emphasizes the positive impact that men in this age group have on their children when they provide a stable, nurturing environment for them. He challenges men to look at five critical aspects of their life: leadership, responsibility, accountability, fatherhood, and matrimony to determine what areas of their life need growth.

Past mistakes in your life may haunt you and going back to your partner may not be the answer. Whether you choose to leave your current relationship or begin a new one there are several characteristics that should be present in a healthy relationship. Determine if your relationships display mutual trust, respect, commitment, honesty, unconditional love, care, support and prayer. Seek counseling for healing before making any permanent life decisions when faced with leaving your partner or working to make your current relationship better.

Clear out the 'muck' in 2010

After storing the holiday decorations for another year, you may have promised yourself to clean out the clutter in your basement, attics, closets and home offices. If you are a recovering "clutter bug" and have difficulty determining what items you should keep or toss you might want to read the advice of this expert. Author Kathi Burns CPO wrote, How to Master Your Muck! Get Organized, Add Space to Your Life, Live Your Purpose! She defines muck as "anything that keeps you limited, unproductive, unsuccessful or unfulfilled."

Ciji Ware author of Rightsizing Your Life: Simplifying Your Surroundings While Keeping What Matters Most wants us to follow the 80/20 rule. She states that you can safely let go of 80 percent of the papers that you've kept over the years. You can often find what you need more quickly on the internet. It is faster and doesn't create any clutter.

Both authors believe it's not just about clearing out the clutter but clarifying your life. Muck has been known to assault the human spirit by stealing your energy and creativity. It can clutter your home and office as well as your mind and your life. Growth requires space in your mind, body and spirit. Muck or clutter can hinder that growth.

Today workers in the United States spend six weeks a year looking for important documents. Employees waste 55 minutes daily looking for lost office supplies. Staff members can send and receive over 190 emails daily. Determine what muck you need to remove from your life. Small changes can energize you and bring clarity to your life. You will feel that your life is more manageable and your surroundings will reflect more of the individual that you are. Remove the muck from your life for a new perspective on life.