Healthy Relationship Boundaries

Healthy boundaries in an intimate relationship can help you feel calm, centered and focused. They can promote a comfortable interdependence in the relationship that encourages productive communication, trust and a healthy self-image. You can detect an unhealthy relationship if you feel you are in a constant state of feeling resentful and unappreciated when you are with that person. Unhealthy boundaries are usually taught from your family of origin and advance during childhood through unmet developmental needs. This will leave an individual without a strong sense of self. Your sense of self helps communicate your needs and desires while allowing you to appreciate the strengths in others.

Communicating boundaries

Establishing clear boundaries will help you to define yourself in relation to others. It’s like an imaginary fence that surrounds you. Boundaries set limits in relationships, set expectations, and define roles and rules that help you to adapt to different situations.

There are several different boundaries that should be considered when establishing a relationship. Your physical boundaries will communicate who, how and when you may be touched. Emotional boundaries will define how others treat you, whether your feelings are being respected and how you treat others. The intellectual boundaries will display your access to knowledge, learning and how others will interact with you. All three areas should be established when developing new relationships.

Assertive communication

Healthy boundaries display respect for each other and lead to equality in the relationship. Communicating your thoughts assertively displays a healthy sense of self-respect and will give you peace of mind. When addressing the concern or boundary violation, schedule a time with the individual when there will be limited distractions. You should begin the conversation by stating the concern and why you felt the incident was disrespectful to you. State your viewpoint with an "I statement" so you avoid placing blame or accusations. Then wait for the response. The reply you receive will help you to determine if the relationship is healthy or worth trying to salvage.  

Healthy relationships have strong flexible boundaries that allow sense of self to flourish and are respected by their family and peers. It will help you to understand each other’s values while allowing you to remain an individual within the relationship. If you feel guilty or “victimized” in your relationships work on refining assertive skills. There is no way that you can please everyone. If you know you have difficulty establishing healthy boundaries seek a professional for help.

 

 

Healing From Infedility

 

There are few events in life that can create as much turmoil in a marriage as infidelity. It shatters trust, creates insecurity and resentment between couples. Infidelity isn’t clearly defined as it can vary between couples and partners in a relationship. What is tolerable for one partner is unacceptable to another. Recent statistics report that 60% of husbands and 40% of wives will have an affair at some point in their relationship. Less than 10 % of those individuals who have an affair will divorce and marry their lover.

The affair

When the affair is discovered it will trigger a range of powerful emotions for both partners…..shock, rage, shame, depression, guilt, and remorse. These emotions can be cycled off and on throughout the day. One minute you will want to end the marriage and the next you will vow to save it.

As painful and destructive as infidelity is family therapists will say that the wound can be healed. It is a treatable crisis for the betrayed and betrayer. No matter how bleak the situation if the couple is motivated to heal they can repair the relationship and emerge stronger. 

There is no “quick fix” to repair the damage done by unfaithfulness. The process can take years to handle the disappointments and delusions that can create setbacks. Michele Weiner-David author of The Divorce Remedy believes the couple must be brutally honest with one another. The unfaithful must talk about the affair as often as the partner requires. They need to know why the affair occurred so that it doesn’t happen again. The truth of the event is the first step to rebuilding the relationship.

Moving forward

If an individual strays outside the committed relationship you must discuss the changes needed to prevent reoccurrence. The unfaithful partner must express genuine remorse and act trustworthy to declare that he/she can be faithful. The betrayed must verbalize what it will take to heal. The betrayer must provide the reassurance that they are committed to healing the relationship.

It will be important to give each other space when emotions are running high. Take your time to process the details of the affair and not make any irrational decisions. Take responsibility for your choices and end the affair immediately. If both individuals are committed to rebuild the marriage seek help from a licensed counselor who is trained in marital therapy. Counseling can help the couple be objective and clarify their feelings while getting a neutral perspective of the concerns.

Not every marriage affected by infidelity can or should be saved. Sometimes too much damage has been done. If the couple chooses to rebuild the relationship you will need professional help on this healing journey. Infidelity is never forgotten but can be forgiven as the memory fades and the trust and intimacy grows.