Parent's feel their children's pain

When children experience heartache, disappointment, illness or life problems parents will feel the impact. The bond between parents and their children is a special relationship. Parents have a strong commitment to their children whether they are toddlers or adults. It has been reported that children who suffer for any reason will affect their parents’ mental health. Research has also found that parents are more affected by their children’s failures than by their successes.

Research

A study from Purdue University surveyed 600 parents between ages 40 and 60 who lived in the Philadelphia area. There were 1250 children involved in the study over the age of 18 years old. The survey reported that parents who had a struggling child would monopolize attention over the success and happiness of the other siblings. If the children’s concerns were related to behaviors or lifestyle choices the emotional duress appeared to be more intense. Karen Fingerman, Ph.D. the lead author of the study said, “What this study finds is that children may have their own lives and moved on, but their ups and downs are still deeply affecting their parents.” The study was completed before the economic hardships began in
2008. The increase in job loss, family strain, foreclosures, and divorce has only exacerbated the parental distress.

Developing resilience

Easy going temperaments make it easier to bounce back from traumatic events but we can all learn how to become more resilient and get back in the game. “There are many aspects of resilience that can be taught,” states Karen Reivich Ph.D. a psychologist at University of Pennsylvania. “We spend a lot of mental energy making problems much bigger than they really are,” Reivich said.

One way to change negative thought patterns is to make a list of what you’re thankful for, your strengths, or what your talents are. “When you think about what you do best, you can more easily access those strengths when you are facing a challenge,” Reivich suggests.
Another option to try when facing adversity is to focus on what you can change so that you don’t get stuck ruminating on the problem. This allows you to move forward from the issue. You should have several options available to explore or pursue as you determine what choice may be the most beneficial. Accept the challenge and acknowledge that change can open new doors of opportunity.

Parents can model resilience by focusing on the positive, building outside interests and spending time with their support system. Increase your self-care when under emotional duress and seek professional counseling when needed. Disregard the need to “fix” your children. Resilient people know they have the power to adjust their plans and still feel secure on their new life’s journey path. “Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.” Ralph Waldo Emerson