Sunday, November 05, 2017

Separation During the Holiday Season


People who are divorced and lost the most important relationship of their life will spend time thinking about what went wrong. Most individuals think marriage is the finish line and really it’s just the next starting line. An established couple can easily get into a rut and just drift apart from each other. Managing your expectations of marriage and the ebb and flow of passion in a long-term relationship should not place a higher importance to the history and compatibility of the couple.

Routine of life

Couples feel that if the heat isn’t blazing in their bedroom that their marriage is dull, diluted and unfulfilling. Many individuals will leave their marriage too quickly because they are intoxicated by the “sugar high” of a new relationship. The momentary high from being with someone new often blinds people to the reality of what life is after divorce, especially when children are involved.

In the book Make up, Don’t break up by Dr. Bonnie Eiker Weil states “only 7% of people who separate end up getting back together, the pain of rejection shatters so much trust. If the cheating spouse is deluded by the thrill and excitement of an affair he or she may truly believe they are no longer in love. This starts the spiral of divorce, instead of realizing that their spouse may not be rational at this moment of time.”

Commitment -vs- Lust

Lust is an important component of a relationship as that heart beating passion makes you feel alive but it can also make you impulsive. Dr. Mark Banschick psychiatrist and author of The Intelligent Divorce observes, “Lust is a binder and intimacy maker early on when you have little else holding you together. But the muscle and bone structure of a long-term relationship are formed by compatibility and history. You can’t replicate the wife being there for the father’s illness, the birth of a child and the funny moments on a Sunday morning, disappointments you’ve worked through and family birthday parties. People will miss the history if it’s just about lust.”

There are situations when the marriage isn’t able to survive the destruction of multiple affairs, addiction or abuse. Couples who work on themselves and their relationship can often hurdle their current conflict and emerge to a stable relationship to raise children and comfort each other. That’s why it is best not to make a rash decision until you’ve explored your options. Many couples will give up too quickly, especially during the holiday season when emotions can be volatile at times. It is best to seek professional help to discuss your options and determine if there is any possibility to rebuild your relationship during the season of hope.