"Parenting by lying"

As children we all grew up with the fairy tales of Santa Claus and the tooth fairy. Our parents told us we wouldn’t grow if we didn’t eat our vegetables or drink all of our milk. Parents have also told children that bad things would happen if they didn’t brush their teeth or go to bed on time. Parents will lie to their children as a means of influencing their emotional state and behavior. When asked parents have stated that lying is acceptable under certain circumstances even though they don’t want their children to lie. This practice of selective lying can create a moral dilemma for your family.

The Journal of Moral Education reported in their September 2009 issue that “tall tales could give kids mixed messages at a time when they are trying to figure out how to navigate the social world.” The study also concluded that this practice could later harm the parent-child relationship. They then stated that “telling a 2 year old you don’t like their drawing is just cruel.” The research summarized that parents should search for alternative replies before resorting to the quick lie that could resolve the issue for that moment.

Parents are known to try different strategies when children become disruptive, especially in public places where they feel their parenting or child is being judged. Parents will search for a quick solution to the problem by bribing or telling a “white lie” to calm the situation. These “white lies” can cause long-term negative consequences when parents are teaching children about morals and honesty. Sending a “mixed message” that selective lying is allowable may not be the message you want your children to learn.