Building Trust in Your Relationship

Mutual trust is a shared belief that you can depend on each other to achieve a common goal or purpose.  It is the expectancy that people can rely on your word.  Building relationships requires building trust. Sex and relationship expert Ian Kerner PhD recently completed a survey with 2,000 women. The survey reported that 44% of wives admitted that they had trust issues and 77% were jealous if their husband had a close female friend. This causes 53% of wives to check their husband’s email and phone messages.

 Unable to trust

We resist trusting others based on previous experiences of being hurt or disappointed. Trust is a critical element of a healthy relationship to families, teams, organizations, and communities.  Motivational speaker Mike Robbins states, “We put up barriers to keep ourselves safe, but that usually leaves us guarded, leery and insecure, unable to easily create meaningful and fulfilling relationships with people.” No matter how guarded you are in your relationships you can still run the risk of getting hurt. 

People that don’t learn to trust will struggle with low self-esteem, worry and fear. Not trusting people can trigger a defensive reaction in relationships which will keep emotional distance present. Some individuals are never able to move past a broken heart or willing to self-disclose their personal history which creates intimacy in a relationship.  There are others who have experienced abuse and should utilize counseling for support as they take the steps of learning how to trust again.

Taking the steps

There will be situations where family, friends or co-workers will hurt you or let you down. This will happen because humans are not perfect and expectations may be set too high in the relationship. Begin building trust by observing behaviors of different individuals and look for people who treat others with kindness and respect. Ease into the relationship slowly and meet for lunch or coffee. Then take note if the person talks about others. If the conversation dominates toward gossip the individual will most likely not keep confidences that are shared.

A study from Ohio State University Marilynn Brewer PhD professor of Psychology states “Americans are willing to trust others at first until they are proved wrong. Men look for symbolic connections that you get from belonging to the same group, rather than personal connections that women prefer.” With the relationships in your life attempt to consciously grant trust to create a connection of cooperation and collaboration. Expect the best from people in a genuine healthy way. Find a balance between the openness needed and your personal well-being as you determine how intimate to become in the relationship.  Trust frays when there are lies that erode and challenge intimacy. Psychiatrist Frank Pittman wisely reminds us that it is not “whom you lie with. It’s whom you lie to.”

 

 

The Challenge of Adolescent Behavior

Parents that are raising a teenager will confirm that this age can be the most challenging developmental stage for children. When adolescents transition into puberty they will test boundaries with their parents while they experiment with their expanding independence. Teenagers experiencing familial duress, struggling at school with academics or social skills are a higher risk in developing mental health concerns during this developmental stage. The most notable symptoms displayed are anger, aggression, and irritability. Teens may also seem emotionally detached or display a fear or inability to connect with others. There is usually a decline in their academic performance and a disinterest in school activities.

Mental Health

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) report that suicide is the 3^rd leading cause of death for adolescents 15 years old to young adults 24 years old. A teen may experience depression if they are struggling with unresolved grief due to the death of a loved one, loss of a relationship, their hopes or dreams, abandonment or experienced a traumatic event. There are also biological factors to consider as genetics, chemical imbalances, or a head injury can create depression. Research reports that 3% to 8 % of children have some form of mental health concerns.

Parents that are concerned with the severity of symptoms they are observing in their child should seek help from a mental health professional. Contact your insurance company or primary care physician for a mental health referral. They will discuss the options available to provide the support necessary for your child and family. Options that are available are individual, group and family therapy, medication management or a combination of them can be utilized.

Create a Support System

To help protect the physical safety and the mental well being of your child, parents must create a united dyad for their teen. Establish rules that are clearly defined and sensible so that they are enforced consistently. Monitor their computer usage, text messages and other popular websites like Facebook or Twitter. Create time to listen and talk to your teen so that you can be aware of the daily stressors that are encountered each day.

Research states that the pressure to use tobacco, alcohol, and illegal drugs come from wanting to be accepted, belong or noticed. If your child has difficulty making friends invite their peers over to study or play video games. Offer to give their friends a ride home so that you can get to know them. Try not to judge their choice of friends until you’ve had the opportunity to spend time with them. Join social clubs or programs that are available to your teen. Adolescents that participate in school, community and faith based activities are less likely to become involved in using cigarettes, alcohol, or illegal drugs.

Children who have both parents involved with their care will perform better at school, have higher self-esteem and fewer delinquent behaviors. They will also be successful when pursuing higher levels of education to create economic stability for themselves as an adult. Children learn their social skills and how to deal with the stress in their lives by listening and watching their role models. As adults we should all work to set a good example for children to follow.

 

Brain Health

As the longevity of our life span continues to increase, maintaining our cognitive health has become more important for the quality of life we want to enjoy.  Research has found that our brain continues to build cells at any age. Learning new skills such as a language, knitting, dancing or even how to change the oil of your car can help protect the brain from developing Alzheimer’s or dementia. Physical activity is also important to maintain a healthy brain as 25% of the blood from each heart beat is utilized by the brain.

The brain

Dr. Paul Nussbaum clinical neuropsychologist who specializes in aging across the lifespan and brain health states, “Our identity, our hopes, our emotions, everything we love comes from this amazing organ that weighs between two and four pounds, the greatest miracle ever designed.” Dr. Nussbaum has developed several games that challenge the cognition and determine what areas of the brain may need more stimulation to maintain cognitive health.

Research from Current Biology reports that the working memory training that they have established with mice seems to have increased their intelligence. They trained mice on a task that exercised working memory and attention. The mice displayed improvement on general cognitive function when compared to mice with no training. This experiment has proven that the brain is highly adaptable and can be improved with training. They are hoping that further research will give them more insight on how to help the Alzheimer’s patient.

Brain Care

The brain needs to be stimulated with socialization, learning, appropriate nutrition, physical and sexual activity. The brain should be fed a steady diet of foods with Omega-3 fatty acids and high in anti-oxidants such as blueberries and spinach. This nutrition will keep the brain processing at a rapid speed. High levels of stress can be harmful to the brain. Practicing meditation, Yoga, and visualization are all excellent ways to learn how to manage stress levels. Reducing stress and stress hormones in your system is critical to the care of your brain.

Oliver Sacks MD professor of neurology and psychiatry at Columbia University Medical Center believes music can be very healing for the brain. In his book Musicophilia he explores the mystery of the human mind and interaction with music.  “Music can animate people with Parkinson’s disease who couldn’t otherwise move, give words to stroke patients who can’t otherwise speak and calm and organize people who memories are ravaged by Alzheimer’s,” states Dr. Sacks. Music has been found to work when medication is ineffective because it engages so many parts of the brain. Keeping your brain healthy can be part of your daily lifestyle as you work to balance the needs of mind, body and spirit.

 

 

 

 

Honor the Women in Your Life

Every spring we celebrate Mother’s Day to honor the special women in our lives. It is an annual event to acknowledge the woman or memory of women who nurtured us into adulthood. The traditional gifts are usually given of flowers, cards, candy and homemade crafts in celebration of the day. Mother’s Day shouldn’t be exclusive to those women who raised or gave birth to a child. It should extend to honor all women past and present who have contributed to our lives.

Reflection

This Mother’s Day try to spend some time thinking of the women who have touched your life as a teacher or mentor. She may have been in your family or someone who just exposed you to the passion you now experience in your career. This woman gave a part of herself so that you will carry and share that knowledge into future generations. Taking the time to let that special person know how significant she made you feel is something that any woman would treasure. 

Celebrate women

Women today have many roles to fulfill in the family as wife, mother, sister, aunt, granddaughter or grandmother. They have worked hard to break through previous stereotypes and cultural restrictions to pursue any career they chose. This journey has been a struggle for many women who are mothers, due to feelings of guilt or inadequacy as they learned to balance their varied responsibilities in these roles.

No matter how many trials or struggles you’ve experienced in your life journey, you can still celebrate or honor women who have nurtured you. Celebrate their life by planting a tree or inviting them over for dinner with your family. Share your accomplishments and let her know how she contributed to your success. Donate money to her favorite charity or just take the time to call and let her know that she made a difference in your life. Sharing that important fact with her will make Mother’s Day feel very special indeed.

 

Teaching Children How to Cope With Failure

In a society where winning is everything…..failure is looked upon as losing. Failing at something can also be very discouraging. Many people who encounter failure will give up easily. The more failures that a person encounters the less willing they are, to try again. When a person fails their self-esteem is attacked and their feelings of defeat can overwhelm the confidence to persevere. At some point during our life journey, failure is unavoidable despite our best efforts. 

Opportunities

 The educational process of your child isn’t just about grades. It’s a time of learning about yourself…..your strengths and weaknesses. You learn about your character, morals, and values that are important to you and how you face the challenges of life. Failure is unavoidable yet very few parents take the time to help their children understand the process of learning from defeat. It’s an opportunity to build on what was learned from the downfall so that the next time they are faced with the situation they have a chance at being more successful.

We all want our children to win but teaching them how to cope with setbacks are just as important. The more opportunities children pursue to learn new skills, the more encounters of defeat they will have in the beginning. There is a learning curve to every new experience. The more a skill is practiced, the better we become at it. Parents should lead their children by example on how to move forward after encountering an obstacle. There are many ways to achieve the goal and a multitude of ways to get there.

Patience

Failures are unavoidable……despite our best efforts it is part of the learning process. Patience is the key to success. You must have patience with yourself and patience with those who are working to achieve their goal. It doesn’t matter how many tries it took to accomplish the goal. The important thing to remember is how you finish and what you experienced from the journey to get there.

First give your children time to process the disappointment. Then praise them for their good effort and the strengths they conveyed while trying. Listen attentively while they express their pain without criticizing. They will need your emotional support and comfort during this time. When they are ready encourage them to try again and analyze what went wrong so they can improve next time. With your love and support you can help your children turn defeat into confidence.

The Lessons of Divorce

The death of a relationship, no matter how long it lasted, is always intense and difficult. When you process the obstacles that were faced, it is important that both parties accept their part in the discord that has led to the separation. During this time it would help to create a support system that will provide you emotional support. Then allow yourself the time to heal and grieve the loss. This will help you to accept the situation and visualize a new beginning.

Divorce

Society refers to divorce as a “failed marriage”. Many marriages have ended emotionally prior to the filing of divorce paperwork. These marriages weren’t failures if you are able to retain what was learned or enjoyed from the relationship when it was healthy. In the course of life things happen to people that cause them to change. Sometimes those events cause relationships to end. That doesn’t mean the relationship failed when it was no longer viable. The marriage was successful for the years the couple was happy and together.

Move forward

Many couples facing divorce will concentrate on who to blame for the cause of the divorce. It really doesn’t matter whose fault it is. You are still facing the reality that the relationship is over and the question of how to move forward. Obsessing about the loss and filling your life with anger will only hinder your progress in healing. Focus on yourself. Your new life is a work in progress.

Acknowledge that you need to heal from this experience before seeking a new partner. Then find the courage to be proactive and resolve the details to finalize the divorce. This will allow you to accept that the relationship is over so that you can look forward to the premise of a new beginning. Try seeking fulfillment in other ways by finding employment that engages your skills and improves your marketability. This will eventually improve your income and financial stability. Make time in your life for the fun things that you like to do. Relish the freedom that you now have over your own schedule. Focus on the positive and stay healthy by eating right and exercising. Make this a part of your daily lifestyle. The best option you have is to live well while enjoying life.

 

Marriage with an ADHD Spouse

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) affects approximately 5% of the adult population. They will cope with various degrees of distractibility, disorganization, impulsivity and a lack of emotional control that can cause problems in all areas of their lives. The ADHD adult can think of several things at a time, have racing thoughts, become easily bored intermingled with a fear of failing. With these challenges to cope with the ADHD spouse can feel frustrated, unheard and unloved in the marriage.

ADHD brain

Dr. Russell Barkley clinical professor of Psychiatry at Medical University of South Carolina and author of Charge of Adult ADHD states, “The ADHD spouse is not following through on promises and often isn’t able to understand the needs of others. It’s a torrent of one-way conversations for the non-ADHD spouse. It feels like they’re raising a kid.”

Dr. Ned Hallowell who is the author of eighteen books and founder of Hallowell Centers in New York said, “Their brain is like a toddler on a picnic. It goes where curiosity and enchantment lead it with no regard to authority or danger.” Brain chemistry of the ADHD is highly inheritable. It will either under produce or not process dopamine in the attention and reward center of the brain. People with ADHD have a reduction of dopamine so things can get pretty boring for them very quickly. “Dopamine not only increases reward value but also the powers of inhibition,” Dr. Hallowell explained. The lack of inhibitions in the ADHD adult can add to the frustration and embarrassment of partners and their family members.

Treatment

About 80% of adults benefit from stimulant medication that will help to alleviate symptoms. Psychotherapy and Behavior Modification can help couples educate themselves on the on ADHD to improve their relationship. Support groups can also be helpful in coping with the stress of an ADHD relationship.

 

To keep the relationship strong try to depersonalize the behaviors that creates the emotional distance. Define two major areas of concern that you disagree on and focus on ways to solve those problems. Learn ways to remind your partner about appointments or chores to do without nagging them. You could suggest that they organize their day by typing appointments into their cell phone, write sticky notes or refer to a daily check list.  Try to support and encourage them without trying to change them. You love the person. It is the behaviors that you need changed.