Marriage with an ADHD Spouse

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) affects approximately 5% of the adult population. They will cope with various degrees of distractibility, disorganization, impulsivity and a lack of emotional control that can cause problems in all areas of their lives. The ADHD adult can think of several things at a time, have racing thoughts, become easily bored intermingled with a fear of failing. With these challenges to cope with the ADHD spouse can feel frustrated, unheard and unloved in the marriage.

ADHD brain

Dr. Russell Barkley clinical professor of Psychiatry at Medical University of South Carolina and author of Charge of Adult ADHD states, “The ADHD spouse is not following through on promises and often isn’t able to understand the needs of others. It’s a torrent of one-way conversations for the non-ADHD spouse. It feels like they’re raising a kid.”

Dr. Ned Hallowell who is the author of eighteen books and founder of Hallowell Centers in New York said, “Their brain is like a toddler on a picnic. It goes where curiosity and enchantment lead it with no regard to authority or danger.” Brain chemistry of the ADHD is highly inheritable. It will either under produce or not process dopamine in the attention and reward center of the brain. People with ADHD have a reduction of dopamine so things can get pretty boring for them very quickly. “Dopamine not only increases reward value but also the powers of inhibition,” Dr. Hallowell explained. The lack of inhibitions in the ADHD adult can add to the frustration and embarrassment of partners and their family members.

Treatment

About 80% of adults benefit from stimulant medication that will help to alleviate symptoms. Psychotherapy and Behavior Modification can help couples educate themselves on the on ADHD to improve their relationship. Support groups can also be helpful in coping with the stress of an ADHD relationship.

 

To keep the relationship strong try to depersonalize the behaviors that creates the emotional distance. Define two major areas of concern that you disagree on and focus on ways to solve those problems. Learn ways to remind your partner about appointments or chores to do without nagging them. You could suggest that they organize their day by typing appointments into their cell phone, write sticky notes or refer to a daily check list.  Try to support and encourage them without trying to change them. You love the person. It is the behaviors that you need changed.