Marriage with an ADHD Spouse

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) affects approximately 5% of the adult population. They will cope with various degrees of distractibility, disorganization, impulsivity and a lack of emotional control that can cause problems in all areas of their lives. The ADHD adult can think of several things at a time, have racing thoughts, become easily bored intermingled with a fear of failing. With these challenges to cope with the ADHD spouse can feel frustrated, unheard and unloved in the marriage.

ADHD brain

Dr. Russell Barkley clinical professor of Psychiatry at Medical University of South Carolina and author of Charge of Adult ADHD states, “The ADHD spouse is not following through on promises and often isn’t able to understand the needs of others. It’s a torrent of one-way conversations for the non-ADHD spouse. It feels like they’re raising a kid.”

Dr. Ned Hallowell who is the author of eighteen books and founder of Hallowell Centers in New York said, “Their brain is like a toddler on a picnic. It goes where curiosity and enchantment lead it with no regard to authority or danger.” Brain chemistry of the ADHD is highly inheritable. It will either under produce or not process dopamine in the attention and reward center of the brain. People with ADHD have a reduction of dopamine so things can get pretty boring for them very quickly. “Dopamine not only increases reward value but also the powers of inhibition,” Dr. Hallowell explained. The lack of inhibitions in the ADHD adult can add to the frustration and embarrassment of partners and their family members.

Treatment

About 80% of adults benefit from stimulant medication that will help to alleviate symptoms. Psychotherapy and Behavior Modification can help couples educate themselves on the on ADHD to improve their relationship. Support groups can also be helpful in coping with the stress of an ADHD relationship.

To keep the relationship strong try to depersonalize the behaviors that creates the emotional distance. Define two major areas of concern that you disagree on and focus on ways to solve those problems. Learn ways to remind your partner about appointments or chores to do without nagging them. You could suggest that they organize their day by typing appointments into their cell phone, write sticky notes or refer to a daily check list. Try to support and encourage them without trying to change them. You love the person. It is the behaviors that you need changed.

Holiday Depression

The holiday season can be filled with parties and activities to celebrate with family and friends. For others it can be a time of sadness, loneliness and anxiety about an uncertain future and economy. During our lifetime we have all experienced melancholy feelings during the holidays with the loss of family members, divorce, arguments and the stress of over extending your budget. Holiday depression can evolve from the stress and disappointment of unrealistic expectations that were envisioned.

Holiday stress

One in ten American adults have depression that is genetically based and treated with medication. Sadness is a deep personal feeling. What makes one person sad won’t affect another person. Holiday sadness can be attributed to built-up expectations, disappointments from previous holidays, stress or fatigue from preparations, and financial worries. Headaches, excessive drinking, overeating and insomnia are some triggers to expound holiday stress. This can happen to seniors, men, women, and the sullen teenager.

Holiday preparations

In preparation for the holidays define your personal limits and stick to them. Decide what activities you would like to participate in, entertain in the home, visit relatives or travel during the holiday. Have a family meeting and discuss the options available to you. There is no one correct way to celebrate the season.
There are many options to relieve the stress and scale back the celebration.

Decorate your home with the favorite traditional items or ones that hold the most memories for your family. Then create a budget and determine what you can spend for each person on your list and make no exceptions that would put you over your limit. Planning your holiday meal should be put in your expenses also.

If your family complains about the downsizing of the holiday explore the opportunities in helping others. The ideas can be volunteering at the food bank, buying a gift for the Angel tree, or visiting seniors at nursing homes. Your family could attend church services and musical concerts that can replenish the holiday spirit when you feel overwhelmed. Making time to take care of yourself is also a gift because you will then have the energy to do for others. Determine what positive changes can be made this year so that you and your family are blessed with a happy and healthy holiday.

Gratitude and daily thanks

Thanksgiving is usually a time when families will reflect on the blessings that they have in their life. Despite the gloomy attitude on the economy and general dissatisfaction with the way things are going 96 % of voters feel thankful according to a recent 2011 Fox News poll. Research is also reporting that we could all live a healthier lifestyle if we would practice being grateful everyday. Grateful people take better care of themselves and engage in more protective health behaviors like regular exercise, a healthy diet and regular physical examinations.

Daily thanks

Practicing gratitude leaves people feeling joyful, strong and with more energy. If we can make a conscious effort to find something positive in every situation you can decrease your stress and face the obstacles in life with optimism. Living in the moment and being grateful for what you are experiencing now will give you a better quality of life. From boosting your mood to improving relationships research shows that being thankful is good for your health.

Kent State University published a 2011 study in the Journal of Happiness authored by Steve Toepfer. The study revealed that if you take 15 minutes, three times over three weeks to write letters of gratitude to someone that your level of happiness and life satisfaction will improve with each letter written. Toepfer explained, “We are all walking around with an amazing resource, gratitude. It helps us express, enjoy, appreciate and be thankful and satisfied with a little effort. We all have it and we need to use it to improve our quality of life.”

Model gratitude

To encourage this positive thinking, write in your ‘grateful journal’ 5 to 10 things you are grateful for. Try and acknowledge new experiences each day that brought you joy or peace. Make a conscientious effort to be polite to everyone you encounter. Even a simple “thank you” can make someone’s day brighter. Lend a hand to others and teach children how to give back to their community. Ask other family members to share what they are grateful for each day.

Some individuals will limit themselves by experiencing life with a sense of entitlement and being preoccupied with materialism. Self-reflection of your life journey can stimulate awareness of how truly blessed you are and leave you with insight on how to appreciate those around you. So in a time when there are so many people out of work and struggling to pay their bills discover the blessings in your life. Counting your blessings doesn’t just cheer you up it can improve your health, energy level and perspective on life.

Relationship repair

When your relationship is struggling it’s important to be a participant to resolve the problem and not expect it to fix itself. Robert Sternberg (1990) created the Triangular Theory of Love that discusses the three important building blocks to a relationship. He states that every relationship must have passion, intimacy and commitment. Intimacy is the feeling of closeness that exists between two people. Passion will produce the romance, physical attraction and intercourse for the relationship. Commitment is defined as the conscious decision a couple makes to take the loving relationship further.

Honest dialogue

After being a couple for awhile the passion can disappear. This can create more of a companionate love which can lead to dissolution of the relationship because the commitment is no longer there. If you are feeling an emotional distance from your partner try not to assume or jump to a conclusion of what may be wrong. Pick a time when both of you are relaxed and won’t be distracted or interrupted to discuss the concern. When processing the issue try to be an attentive listener and respond without attacking your partner or engaging in the “blame game”. This can be done by opening the conversation with the positive aspects of the relationship. Then state the concern that you have. Dialogue and restate what you heard to make sure you received the information correctly. Close the conversation with the positive steps that were determined on how to progress forward from the situation.

Moving forward

Repairing a relationship takes time. Once the problem has been identified it is important to create a plan on how to resolve the concern and move forward. A partner should look for opportunities to help without being asked. This displays a commitment to the relationship and states that you are dependable and supportive. Encourage your partner when facing trials. Just listening to their challenges and being emotionally supportive can make a big difference. Learn to respect your partner and each other’s opinion. Finally, acknowledge and accept that there will be times in your relationship to “agree to disagree.”

With Halloween just a few days away some children may be displaying more fear than usual. Why are we are afraid of the dark or that little spider? Daniel Pin a researcher from the National Institute of Mental Health states, “There is a strong relationship between age and the types of fears that people report in different cultures. This tells us that there is something fundamental about the development as it relates to fear.”

Fear

Science defines fear as a complex factor which involves genetics and experiences. These fears relate to changes in the brain. A toddler will display a fear of strangers or a fear of being separated from their parents. As the child grows and develops they may have a fear of certain animals, thunderstorms or a new environment. An adolescent will have a fear of rejection from their peers or individual they would like to date. They may avoid new social experiences for a fear of seeming awkward or making a mistake in front of their peers. As we evolve into an adult we could fear the possibility that we won’t meet our personal goals or what we envision our life should be.

Facing our fears

Seeing family members in a costume or mask can be very frightening to a child. Parents can help alleviate this fear by helping their child face them. Fears will abate by exposure. Facing your fears in a way that doesn’t overwhelm your senses would be a beginning step. First reason with your child and discuss why people wear costumes. Explain that costumes are pretend and part of the make believe of Halloween. Then show them there is a real person behind the mask. Give the child a mask to play with while looking at their self in the mirror. This will help your child to begin understanding the concept that the real person is still there behind the costume. A parent should explain this fear to the other children and adults in the home so they understand the dilemma and not escalate the concern with additional pranks or teasing. Even a sudden “BOO” can be devastating for a child learning to cope with their fear.

Parents can also help their child by having them become involved in the festivities of your family traditions. You could have them draw the face of the jack-o-lantern or decorate the cookies with candy corn. The child could play dress up with different costumes and use face paint instead of a mask. If your child doesn’t want to “Trick-or-Treat” let them dress up but stay home and hand out the treats for others. Parents should stay close by their child in case there is a need to reassure her. This will help to transition their feelings of fear into fun.

Love of money effects marriage

It’s not uncommon for couples to encounter marital stress over their finances. Money related issues have the potential to drive many committed relationships to the edge of divorce. The most obvious concern is the conflict of not having enough money for the current financial responsibilities that must be met. In today’s culture most people equate their financial security to status and success. Many people will attach their self-worth to the number of possessions that they have.

Love of money

Researcher Jason Carroll a professor of family life at Brigham Young University reported in their new research that materialists have more dissatisfaction with their marriage than couples who don’t care about possessions. This held true among all socioeconomic levels. The least satisfying marriages were those where both spouses cared strongly about material goods. “We thought it would be the incongruent or unmatched pattern that would be most problematic, where one’s a saver and one’s a spender,” Carroll told Live Science. “Our study found that it’s the couple where both spouses have high levels of materialism that struggle the most.” Previous research has also confirmed that people who are materialistic are also more anxious, depressed and insecure than others who are not materialistic. Individuals who valued money more also had trouble at home since there was no balance between their work and personal life.

Balance the budget

One out of five couples have admitted to a strong love of money. Human being’s desire connection and material items can create distance in a relationship. Couples that have been married for 20 years or more have made time for each other and really care about their relationship. If you have concerns about your finances, talk to your partner about your future as a family. Then together set responsible financial steps to attain that vision together. Realize that this will be a long term commitment and not a goal that will be instantly gratified.

It will be important to listen to each other, compromise and put a plan into action. If you have any credit card debt or payday loans they should be a priority to pay off. The short and long term goals of savings, retirement, college funds, and vacation can all be obtained with collaborative planning. If you hit an impasse consult with a marriage counselor, coach or mediator. Your marriage is also an investment to your future.

Generation Y the Boomerang Kids

The “Boomerang Generation” is a word created by the media to describe the current generation of young adults (18-35) who live at home and are not financially independent. They are the sons and daughters of the Baby Boomer generation that have moved back home to live for multiple reasons. This pattern appears to be cyclical and determined by economic conditions. Monsters’ 2009 Annual Entry Level Job Outlook reports 40% of graduates are living with their parents and 42% from 2006.

Economic trend

The Census Bureau recently released data reporting that 70% of singles ages 20-29 lived with their parents in the 1940’s. From the 1940’s our country began to recover from the Depression to a more financial independent lifestyle that the Baby Boomers enjoyed. Our economy peaked and then regressed due to the economic downturn. Steven Ruggles history professor at the University of Minnesota states, “Real wages for young people reached their peak in 1973. They were more independent because they could afford it.”

Michael Rosenfeld a social demographer at Stanford University and author of The Age of Independence reports that 39% of single women and 46% of single men 20-29 lived with a parent in 2005. Both specialist agree that there is a historical increase in “boomerang kids” but it’s small scale in comparison to statistics from the depression.

Renegotiate the relationship

Adult children are reporting several reasons for moving back into their childhood home. The number one concern is financial debt due to the economic reasons that were related to layoffs, loss of job, no insurance, expired unemployment benefits, early widowhood, divorce, major health concerns and substance abuse. Each situation seems to be unique and complex.

Before parents allow their adult child to return home they should renegotiate their relationship, roles and establish new boundaries. First determine what constructive support is needed so that you don’t enable them to continue behaviors that are self-destructive or situations that created the problem. Next establish a financial plan together that may lower their standard of living but can create long-term financial freedom for them. Also, research the opportunities that are available to return to college and retrain. Finally, contact all state programs that might be able to provide financial support during this interim.

Parents need to dialogue openly about expectations of living at home. Adult children should be willing to contribute to household chores and have a timeline on how long they will need the help. Establish a cost for rent or a household bill they are able to pay. Helping the adult child should not interrupt or burden a parent’s financial planning for their own retirement. If the adult child is unwilling to follow the guidelines you have established you may need to seek professional help on what options are available to you. There should be a balance in helping yourself and helping others that you love.