When a couple marries they envision a life together with
their best friend. Unfortunately there
are many issues that can complicate the relationship such as sex, money, trust,
and fidelity. An article published in the Journal
of Couple and Relationship Therapy report that 45- 55% of women and 50-60%
of men will become involved in extramarital sex at some time during their
marriage. These individuals would intentionally engage in the affair with no
intention of leaving their committed relationship.
Cultural differences
with marriage and monogamy
There are many published reports that paint a grim picture
for a healthy marriage in our society today. The Associated Press reports that
90% of Americans believe that adultery is wrong but 50% will engage in an
affair anyway. Our culture is based on the Puritanical view that the violation
to wedding vows is an unforgiveable offense. The European culture assumes there
will be infidelities in a marriage and allow the option of a mistress or
mister. The United States has the highest
divorce rate in the world while other European countries have almost half the
number of divorces due to their relaxed attitude toward monogamy.
Prioritize your
marriage
Studies have found that the happiest married couples have
learned how to prioritize having fun together. Having a busy work schedule,
attending classes or keeping up with activities that your children are involved
in can make this a difficult task. Make a list of activities that you would like
to do together. Step out of your comfort zone and try new experiences like
dance lessons, plays, concerts, or a cooking class where you can share your
thoughts and ideas. Just spending time together isn’t enough to strengthen the
relationship. Behavioral scientists report “New experiences activate the
brain’s reward system, flooding it with dopamine and norepinephrine which are
the same brain circuits that are ignited in early romantic love.” Couples that
participated in “exciting” date nights reported a greater increase in marital
satisfaction.
Protect your date nights from becoming a time to resolve
conflicts. Agree to discuss your concerns at an alternative time like in the
morning over breakfast or after completing evening chores. Dr. John Gottman’s
research has found that “For every one disagreement, misunderstanding or hurt
feeling, they need five positive, affectionate caring or fun interactions to
counterbalance it.” Conflict is inevitable in long-term relationships but it
can erode the relationship if concerns are used to control the partner or not
resolved in a constructive manner. Find
the balance needed to actively listen to the concern presented without
attacking each other in the process to finding a compromise. Seek counseling when you feel stuck or unable
to find a solution to the problem. Sometimes discussing the concern with a
neutral party can help to get your relationship back on track and enjoying each
other again.
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