Behaviors That Destroy Relationships

There are numerous reasons why marriages fail. The usual suspects are infidelity, finances, midlife crisis, or just growing apart that lead to the majority of divorces. There is no simple answer to the millions of break-ups that occur every year as each person will have their own unique story to tell………

Negative communication skills

Every marriage will experience unhappiness and conflict which is perfectly normal. It’s not the conflict that is the problem it’s how the disagreement is handled. Nagging is toxic communication to the marriage. Both men and women will humiliate each other until it destroys any memory of what you enjoyed together. When an individual repeatedly attacks and criticizes their partner’s personality rather than the behavior that bothers you an imbalance in the relationship develops and self-esteem is affected. This can include a verbal attack of name calling, cursing, hostile behavior and body language. Attacking your partner in this manner is disrespectful and abusive. You will usually see your partner become defensive and begin to withdraw from communicating with you. This will develop a feeling of resentment and emotional distance in your marriage. Psychologist John Gottman studied over 1,000 married couples and he reports that when these behaviors are present in a marriage there is a 94% chance that the relationship will fail.

Rebuild your relationship

Couples that are caught in a negative communication cycle will feel frustration, anger, fear, hurt, sadness, and alienation. The first step to healing is accepting responsibility for your part of the disagreement. This self examination will lead to profound growth of establishing healthy ways to communicate.

Effective communication isn’t about who is right or wrong. There are always going to be people who disagree with you, people who do things differently or situations that just don’t work out. So choose your battles wisely and decide whether you would like to be kind or right when confronted with a difference of opinion. Then try to become a better listener and don’t respond until your partner has completed their thought. Slowing down your response keeps you attentive to understanding their position instead of defending yours.

Our moods can be deceptive. When you are in a good mood life looks great. You have a more balanced perspective and communication flows easily. In a bad mood life seems unbearable and difficult. A low mood is not the time to argue or analyze your relationship. Life is never as bad as it seems when you are in a low mood. Be grateful for the good times together and graceful when times are more difficult. Try not to take your arguments too seriously as life will continue to move forward even if things don’t go according to your plan. “This too shall pass.”

Kindergarten Readiness

The concept of kindergarten derived in the 1830’s from a German teacher who believed the children needed a way to transition from home into the school environment. Kindergarten was established as a way to interact and socialize. Children today are socialized at daycare or in pre-school so kindergarten has been restructured to meet the demands of academic readiness in the cognitive and social areas of development.

Readiness to learn

School readiness means that the child has the ability to learn and cope in the school environment without experiencing undue stress. Children should be able to separate from their family and trust the adults in the school environment. They need to understand the concept of sharing and how to take turns when playing with other children. Children should also display some level of social skills in how to resolve problems and work cooperatively with their peers. They must be able to adapt to the structure of the school day and follow the instructions from their teacher.

A real assessment of readiness isn’t based on the chronological age alone. Many schools will do an assessment several weeks before school begins that involve cognitive, linguistic, motor skills and social skills. Children that enter kindergarten with limited baseline skills of reading and math are unlikely to catch up with their peers. Many will need support services that require remedial learning with the help of an aide or tutor. Children that don’t test well will have a re-evaluation three to six months later to assess if a developmental specialist or neurologist should be consulted.

Other considerations

There are many different academic settings to consider when choosing a school for your children. There are public, private, religion based, and Montessori schools. Other determining factors are class size, use of aides in the classroom, and if kindergarten is a full or half-day program. Structural considerations would be the locations of the bathroom, playground and lunchroom where interaction with older students should be limited.

There are many different developmental levels and skills found in the classroom. Teachers are working to meet the diversity, developmental needs and abilities of all children. Children learn best by doing. It allows them to learn through exploration and observation. It can also help them to follow their interests while building cognitive and creative talents. As you determine the kindergarten readiness for your children also seek an environment where they can be engaged and interested in learning for their optimal growth and development.

Financial Infidelity

Financial infidelity occurs when one spouse over spends family money, makes secret purchases or has a hidden bank account without the other partner’s knowledge. Financial and family law specialist state they see more cases of divorce caused by financial infidelity than sexual infidelity. Spouses are trained to look for the traditional “lipstick on the collar” but never consider checking on the status of their credit reports.

Signs

Keeping secrets is a violation of trust within the marriage. A recent study from the GMAC Finance Company found that one-third of the spouses from 2800 households surveyed admitted to hiding at least one purchase from their partner. The most common where clothes, hobby related items and gambling. Experts have found a correlation between addiction and financial infidelity.

Some warning signs to monitor for financial infidelity would be when your partner is resistant to discuss family finances. You may notice large purchases appear in the home without prior discussion or find bills for items you weren’t aware that had been bought. You might also discover a new credit card or line of credit with your name on it.

Create a healthy financial connection

A healthy financial connection is determined by relationship dynamics, values and expectations that have been established between the couple. It is important to discuss family norms on budget, donations and personal spending allowance. As a couple set guidelines and limits for spending money without the other partner knowing. Little lies tend to lead to bigger ones. This deception can escalate into serious debt. A spouse will conceal a debt thinking they can solve the problem before their partner becomes aware. This choice will add strain to an already troubled relationship.

The first step would be for the individual to admit to the problem. Then as a couple work together to repair the damage. A financial planner and couple’s therapist may need to be consulted to unravel the cause for this harmful deception that is in the relationship. Together establish the ground rules for how the family money is to be spent. Then clarify the expectations about lifestyle and make a budget together while paying bills. Communicate to each other about unexpected expenses that arise and how that affects your financial goals. As you create a financial plan determine what should be placed in savings each month. Then obtain a credit report yearly and set your fiscal goals each year together to maintain a healthy financial connection.

Fathers and Their Children

The role of the father has become a difficult one in today’s family system. A 2010 census reports an estimated 24.7 million children in the United States live absent from their biological father. The statistics become more alarming when 40% of these children haven’t seen their father in a year and another 26% of absent fathers live in another state. With the celebration of Father’s Day this week it may be a good time to identify the barriers that keep you from participating in your children’s life.

Single Fathers

Today one in every three homes is headed by a woman and one in every six by a man. Once the divorce is finalized research reports that it may take up to three years to for a family to adjust to their new life style. This can encompass visitation, finances, employment, daycare, and relocating. Becoming a single-parent is challenging and at times overwhelming. Determine what support you need and then begin to establish a network. Review your budget and how to reduce extra curricular expenses. Determine if you qualify for state or federal assistance for food, healthcare, daycare, counseling, job training or housing. Check on Federal grants for single-parents to retrain or complete their education.

At home delegate chores to each child that are age appropriate and that can be completed in fifteen to thirty minutes. This can be as easy as empty the trash, load the dishwasher, run the sweeper, take care of the pets or do a load of laundry. With everyone working together you will be able to reduce your stress and teach the children the responsibilities of taking care of their home.

Involved Fathers

Father’s have a unique and crucial role in child development. This nurturing bond will determine school success, healthy self-esteem, mental health and a stronger avoidance to drugs. Data reported by the Family Strengthening Policy Center in December 2005, states that children with involved fathers experience less poverty, perform better in school while completing their education. They will also display fewer behavioral problems and above average cognitive and psychosocial development.

A father should be a positive role model that can provide financial security for their children. He facilitates their moral development and assists in learning important life skills. Loving a child is more than just saying, “I love you.” It’s demonstrated in daily activities throughout their children’s lifetime. Whatever time you have to spend with your children try and become involved in their lives. Learn the names of their best friends and the activities that they are participate in. Take part in community activities and plan family outings to facilitate emotional bonding. Volunteer at their school and attend their parent/teacher conferences. Establish a routine that your children will look forward to and know that you will be spending time with them. Father’s continue to play a critical role in the development of their children whether they are living in the household or as a single-parent. Investing your time in the relationship with your children will pay dividends for many years.

Similarities of Anorexia and Bulimia

Anorexia and Bulimia Nervosa are both eating disorders that involve an intense fear of becoming overweight. This fear is usually triggered after being on a diet, fearful of becoming obese and a drive to be thin. Individuals at risk are preoccupied with food, weight, appearance and struggle with depression. These individuals display a more anxious personality that strives to be perfect.

Eating disorders

Individuals with eating disorders believe they weigh too much and look too heavy regardless of their actual weight or appearance. They will usually begin a diet because they are obsessed with the desire to have a perfect body. Both anorexia and bulimia can play a huge role in your mental and physical health. Both disorders can disrupt everyday lives, ruin relationships and create dysfunctional behavior. Extreme cases will affect the function of internal organs and become life threatening. When individuals engage in excessive exercise they can experience depression, fatigue and heart failure. Others will abuse diet pills or struggle with other substance abuse.

Treatment

The occurrence of eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia has increased dramatically over the past few years. Individuals that are most vulnerable suffer with low self-esteem, emotional stress, depression and feelings of guilt. They will then cope with their feelings by means of not eating or over eating. Both disorders will develop at an early stage of adulthood and individuals affected can struggle with this problem the rest of their life. It is most prevalent in cultures where food is plentiful and where thin is associated with attractiveness.

Anorexia and Bulimia Nervosa can be treated with cognitive psychotherapy which is designed to change behaviors that have developed into self-destructive patterns. It focuses on modifying distorted beliefs about weight. Recovery isn’t easy----but with support, intensive therapy and education there is hope. Do not be afraid to seek the help that you need to become victorious of these disorders and go on to have a full and healthy life.

Adult ADD Alternatives

Many adults are discovering that the symptoms they have struggled with as a child and continue to cope with has a name, Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). Historically the diagnosis of ADD has focused predominately on children, but only 40% of children will outgrow ADD symptoms. Adults often conclude that they have ADD when their children are diagnosed and recognize that they have similar symptoms. Individuals who suspect they have ADD should see a clinician who can perform a personal interview, take a medical history, diagnose and discuss options for treatment.

There is no known cause for ADD but heredity, genetics, and chemical imbalance are probable originating factors. Adults with ADD will have difficulty following directions, remembering information, concentrating, organizing tasks or completing tasks on time. These concerns can cause problems in their personal relationships, professional careers, academics and social interactions. Symptoms of ADD can range from mild to severe. Different medications have been shown to help adults diagnosed with ADD very quickly, but there are alternative choices to consider.

Nutrition

The consideration of some dietary changes and eating a more nutritious regime can work as an alternative treatment. There are common things that are usually overlooked in a diet but should be assessed such as food allergies, yeast overgrowth, antibiotic over use and improper diet. These concerns can be discussed with your primary care physician.

Research is finding nutritional deficiencies of fatty acids and amino acids can affect a person’s attention span. Fatty acids are essential for the healthy nervous system as they also influence brain development and the neuronal connections between the different areas of the brain. The American diet supplies the Omega 6 family of fatty acids found in corn, sunflower, canola and safflower oil, margarine, vegetable oil and shortening. Most diets lack the Omega 3 fatty acids found in salmon, mackerel and sardines. Taking a food supplement or vitamin can help with this deficiency.

Exercise and Behavioral Changes

Regular and vigorous exercise can be very helpful to the adult diagnosed with ADD. Exercise that is maintained daily can quiet the mind and release energy in a positive way. The immediate release of dopamine and norepinephrine will help to delay impulsive behaviors and allow the individual time to evaluate choices or consequences. Exercise will also elevate the mood and decrease muscle tension.

Skills training for the ADD adult can be very beneficial. The adult would learn how to organize their day by making a list of all tasks to be completed daily. This should be prioritized from the most important to the least important task. If the tasks are complex they should be broken down into steps that are listed and crossed off when completed. Carrying a notepad would also allow the ADD adult to write down thoughts that seem to come and go quickly or reminders of any schedule changes that occurs. Setting alarms on a phone or watch can also be a great reminder to help individuals arrive on time to appointments or meetings.

The Danger of Emotional Infidelity

Infidelity is a violation of the mutually agreed upon rules or boundaries of an intimate relationship. Emotional cheating is flirting “harmlessly” with the opposite sex. This can involve having a drink after work, sharing intimate thoughts with someone other than your partner or exchanging repeated electronic messages about personal concerns. Warning signs of straying from your significant other would be excessive time away from home, less sexual intimacy, increased criticism and avoidance of contact with each other.

Reasons given for infidelity

Males and females report the main reason they had an affair was to express the emotional disconnection they felt from their partner and their sense of feeling unappreciated. Each partner stated a need to be valued in their relationship. Other individuals are drawn to affairs because they can be exhilarating, exciting, passionate and romantic. Unfortunately, affairs are also damaging, destructive, cruel, painful and demeaning to others.

“Emotional cheating begins when the couple misunderstands the fundamental rules of marriage,” says author Gary Neuman in Emotional Infidelity: How to avoid it. “When a spouse places his or her primary emotional needs in the hands of someone outside the marriage, it breaks the bond of marriage just as adultery does. An emotional affair can be just as dangerous to marriage as a sexual affair and is often a more complicated situation to remedy.”

Staying connected

Remaining connected to your partner will take a daily commitment of making time for one another as a couple. This needs to be uninterrupted time to discuss your day and problem-solve concerns together. It can be spent cooking the evening meal, playing a board game or having a glass of wine while sitting on the balcony. Another affair proof intervention for your marriage is to plan a weekly date night where you go out as a couple just for fun without discussing business, money or the children. This gives you the opportunity to continue knowing each other as the individuals you were when falling in love.

It is important that you put your marriage first. Display appreciation to you partner by validating what they bring to the relationship. Try to avoid friendships with the opposite sex. Remain aware of the warning signs of inappropriate intimacy, secrecy, and increased fighting in your marriage. If you notice a rise in emotional distance and are unsure as to how to repair your relationship, you should ask for help. Your community has several resources for support services. Explore available options through your church, mental health centers or individuals in private practice that can provide the help you are seeking to repair your relationship. The longer you wait, the more obstacles there are to overcome. Make that call today.