Warning signs of an abusive relationship

Emotional abuse, verbal abuse and domestic violence are on the rise in relationships, especially among young people. During the early stages of a relationship, your partner is not likely to display abusive behaviors, but it is sometimes possible to predict if a person could become abusive by being observant of different personality traits. Not all individuals will display the same signs but the more signs that you observe the greater chance violence will occur. As the abuser becomes more confident in the relationship you will see an increase to dominate or control and manipulate the victim. Both male and female genders are known to be in the role of perpetrator and victim.

Warning signs

One warning sign would be jealousy in a relationship. Jealousy is not a sign of love but a sign of insecurity and possessiveness with the perpetrator. The partner may try to control behaviors by not allowing the significant other see their friends, wear certain clothes, talk negatively about the opposite gender or make belittling comments.

The perpetrator will also try to make their partner rush into a commitment, while making statements of "being in love at first sight". This is usually because it is difficult for them to maintain a normal dating relationship for any length of time. If the partner is cautious to commit, the abuser has been known to start blaming the victim for problems that start to evolve in the relationship. The abuser will begin to criticize their partner on appearance or daily tasks that are done and pressure their partner to be perfect. When the partner can't meet the expectations, the abuser can escalate to violent behavior.

Assess the situation

If your partner is displaying these behaviors it is important to stop rationalizing the behaviors as normal. Discuss them with your partner and watch their reaction. If the partner chooses not to take any responsibility for the concerns then you should be wary of continuing the relationship. Set firm boundaries with the individual and monitor their responses. If the partner continues to violate your personal space or attempt to intimidate you it is time to start looking for a new potential partner.

Get a good night's sleep

As we all experience the current recession there are many of us struggling to sleep through the night. When suffering from anxiety and depression or under extreme duress our mind will start to processing our concerns while we are trying to fall asleep or wake us up after sleeping for a couple of hours. It is very difficult to problem solve concerns if we are fatigued and irritable.

Prevention magazine reports simple steps that everyone can follow so that they can "sleep like a baby."

• Make breakfast your heaviest meal.
• Cut out the caffeine after 2 PM.
• Go outside when it is sunny to reset your awake-sleep cycle.
• Drink your eight, 8 oz. glasses of water each day.
• Exercise every day, preferably in the morning.
• Take a 15 minute nap when needed.
• Go to bed when you are sleepy.
• Move the television out of the bedroom.
• Create a sleep schedule and stick to it.

If you have difficulty falling asleep and have for several months you could be sleep deprived. Wichita has several specialists in this area that you may want to consult with. There is Tallgrass Sleep Center, Via Christi Sleep Disorders Center, Sleep Medicine Center of Kansas and Comprehensive Sleep Disorders and Neurodiagnostic Center of Kansas. Practice good self-care daily and seek professional help when needed to have the quality of life that you deserve.

Fall in love with your spouse again

Divorce rates are remaining steady at 50% survival rate for first marriages. If you are struggling to not be a part of the latest statistic then you might want to read Dr. Laura Berman's new book Real Sex for Real Women. She has worked as a sex educator, researcher, and therapist for the last 18 years. Dr. Berman has a few ideas on how to put that spark back into your dying romance.

• Be the model of change. If you believe your partner is not loving, understanding or appreciative of your concerns then model those behaviors for your partner. You will get what you give in a relationship.
• Own your 100 percent. Own your part of the problem that occurs in the relationship and then take the necessary steps to correct them.
• Initiate sexual contact. If you want a more passionate sex life then initiate the contact with your partner and work to make that happen.
• Talk about your needs in a positive manner. Stop the blame game and speak to your partner in "I" messages. Explain your needs and work together to resolve them.

Then take the steps to stay connected to your partner. Make plans for a date night. Share new experiences together and try not to focus only on your day to day stressors. Relationships are a constant work in progress. It doesn't get easier, you just have to be more creative.

Fathers are a positive influence to their children's education

Currently only 25% of the children in our country are living with both of their biological parents. That means that the majority of children today are living in single parent households or with a blended family. This has created a multiple of tensions to the family system and a strain to relationships. The education system reports it has been difficult to involve divorced parents in their child's education.

Education Secretary Arne Duncan is asking for fathers to become more involved in their children's education. Duncan stated that the school system has done a poor job of including fathers in the education process. Fathers play an important role in a child's education. His actions can help motivate a child's success or discourage them from educational achievement. "When fathers step up, students don't drop out. When fathers step up, young folks have greater dreams for themselves," Duncan said. U.S. Department of Education founded a program eleven years ago Watch D.O.G.S. (Dads of Great Students). They discovered that men in schools translated to higher student achievement and fewer disciplinary problems.

National Center for Education Statistics report children in two parent homes where the father is highly involved get better grades, enjoy school more, and are less likely to repeat a grade. Fathers are more likely to promote a child's intellectual and social development through physical play. A mother's impact is more likely to transpire while talking and teaching as a caregiver.

Whether the father lives at home or has visitation with his children he can still make an impact as a parent. Fathers can get involved in their children's school and attend parent-teacher conferences. They can turn off the television and read together or have a family game night instead. Fathers can also call their children daily or coach a sport to stay emotionally connected and involved in daily events. Parents and educators working together for the well-being of the children in their care will create confident leaders of the future.

Take control of your stress

Balancing your family's needs will always bring more stress into your life than you want. Many people today face long hours at work, financial pressures and problems with spouses and children. This stress will release chemicals into your body that affect every cell within you.

There are five simple techniques that you can learn to keep a clear mind, body and spirit.
Here is how to take control:

• Just breathe. Stop and take two or three deep breathes whenever you are feeling anxious and overwhelmed. Fill your diaphragm completely and release the cleansing breath slowly. This small act will release parasympathetic chemicals in your body that will leave a calming effect for you.
• Think positive. Whenever we stop to think about all the blessings in our life and how grateful that we are for our gifts we send a chemical message throughout our body that life is good. Close your eyes and visualize what is endearing to you and breathe. The experience can change your life.
• Slow down. It seems we are always multi-tasking and making lists to complete everything that we feel is important to do. Try going for a walk or getting some type of exercise for 30 minutes to release your stress in a positive way. That list will still be there and you will feel more refreshed and ready to tackle it when you return.
• Love yourself. We all make mistakes, but sometimes we are very hard on ourselves when we make them. Support yourself by taking responsibility for your choice and then make a plan on how to move forward.
• Let it go. There will be times in your life when you need to recognize that you cannot change the situation. You will need to release it to your belief system, or high power and then move forward. Dwelling on the issue will not change the results. Learn from the experience and do your best not to repeat the mistake.

Sometimes just breaking from your daily routine by planning lunch with your spouse or a friend can help revitalize you. Wichita has several spas where you could get a massage to pamper yourself or schedule an appointment to get your hair and nails done. Taking care of your emotional well-being can seem like a full time job sometimes, but the benefits can be a better quality of life for you and your family.

Life after loss

The death of a loved one is life altering. The transition from wife to widow, husband to widower can be a very difficult one. As in any loss, the death of a spouse brings feelings of depression, erratic moods, disrupted sleep and obsessive thoughts about the deceased. This can be happening while being overwhelmed with questions and urgent decisions that need to be made.

Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross (1969) introduced the "Five stages of Grief". People can experience these stages during any major life changes such as loss of job, health, relationship, pet or financial stability. The individual and family will progress through the stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance in their own way. There is no specific way to grieve. Each person will experience grief based on their culture, social and personal beliefs. Their personal relationship with the deceased person will also impact the bereavement.

The survivor must give themselves permission to grieve. Postponing your time to mourn will only delay and compound your grief reaction. Your reaction to the death from unexpected or anticipated circumstances can make you experience a wide range of emotions from shock, numbness, pain and anger. Grieving is full of ups and downs like a roller coaster. Special events like a wedding, birth, or holiday can trigger a strong emotional response, but difficult times will become less intense and shorter as time goes by.

It's important not to grieve alone. Use the support of family and friends. Draw comfort from the faith you practice. Join a support group or speak with an experienced counselor. Suppressing your grief can lead to depression, anxiety, substance abuse and other health concerns. Grief can affect your health so maintain your self-care with the appropriate rest, proper nutrition, regular exercise and physical check-up with your doctor.

You will have good and bad days with moments of joy or happiness. Life has a way of throwing moments our way that can wake us to the possibilities of a better tomorrow. If you need support during your time of bereavement contact a counselor, pastor or a grief support group for the help you may need.

Early signs of Autism

Autism has been defined as a neurological disorder that affects the ability to communicate and interact socially with others. Science and research have determined that genetics, environment, and other variables with the individual's immune system may be the cause of Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). The Centers for Disease and Control report that 1% of the children in the United States or approximately one child in 91 will be diagnosed with an autism disorder. There are four times as many boys diagnosed with autism than girls. ASD can range from the mild, moderate to severe symptoms that can be detected in an infant as young as nine months old with a pediatric specialist.

Early Detection

Parents will notice specific developmental delays with their infant that will concern them. The most common worry reported is that their child doesn't turn toward a sound or respond when their name is called. Children with ASD will struggle with eye contact, smiling, or having an interest in facial expressions. They don't babble sounds at 12 months when interacting with their caregivers. Language delays are noted at 18 months as children should have a two word response by 24 months.

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that pediatricians evaluate children for autism beginning at nine months. Specialist's report that the earlier a diagnosis of ASD is detected will increase the likelihood a child will have normal growth and development. Developmental screenings will help physicians monitor delays and refer the child for a specialty assessment and treatment.

Interventions

"The environment in the early years has an active role in shaping the brain," says Geraldine Dawson PhD a leading autism researcher and director of Autism Center at the University of Washington. "What we see in autism may be partly the result of not engaging with the social environment. So if you engage the baby through an intervention you might prevent or at least reduce the development of autism symptoms."

There are several locations in Wichita, Kansas area that utilize early childhood specialists for screening children that are displaying symptoms of developmental delay. These resources can also help parents with daily living skills, parenting and behavior management for their ASD child. Parents should seek answers to the questions that they have about their child's development at Rainbows United, Heartspring, Kansas School of Medicine, Prairie View and Comcare to determine the care that their children would benefit from.