Why Men and Women are Unfaithful

A study done by Helen Fisher PhD a biological anthropologist and author found that 56% of men and 34% of women who have had affairs were happy in their marriages.  Fisher found that men were more likely motivated by sex and less likely to fall in love. In comparison women who had affairs were considering leaving their marriage.

Reasons for being unfaithful

Experts say that most often men and women have different reasons for being unfaithful. Men will stray in their relationships for sexual intimacy or attention. Women will risk fidelity to fill an emotional void or because they are lonely in their marriage. Research completed by the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) reports that 15% of wives have had sex outside their marriage but 35% have had an emotional affair with kissing. They also found 25% of men have had an affair with 45% had kissing with emotional attachment.

If you believe your partner is having an affair it is important to address concerns of infidelity early……even if you have no clear proof. Whether or not it happened the couple has work to do on their communication and trust. When a couple lacks these important traits in their relationship it can be more damaging to a marriage than sexual infidelity itself.

Correct the problem

There are many factors to consider when determining the success of a relationship such as age, education level, income, religious beliefs and relationship satisfaction. The majority of married couples that file for divorce site the reason as incompatible or unable to communicate. Unmarried couples will more often part due to infidelity. 

There are signs that emerge if a partner is having an affair. They will change how they look or become more meticulous in their appearance. The individual may start to give more gifts due to the guilt they feel for being unfaithful. You may notice that your partner is criticizing you more and trying to start an argument. This can release the individual from blame that the relationship failed or they can state you were the one at fault.

The best way to heal a relationship is to seek help together in couple’s therapy to build trust. Individual therapy could build a wall of secrecy and privacy which could lead to further alienation in the strained relationship. There is no time line in how long it will take to repair a relationship. The betrayed person should set the timetable for recovery. While the person who was unfaithful will be eager to put the past behind them he/she needs to honor the other person’s need to take it slow and heal from the betrayal. Only then can you correct the issues that initiated the affair and move forward in the relationship.

Being Optimistic During Difficult Times

Life will give us many challenges throughout our lifetime. Ever situation that is faced will have two polar perspectives by the optimist and pessimist. The pessimist has the tendency to stress the negative and focus on the gloomiest possible outcome. While the optimist will remain hopeful, expecting a more positive result. Studies have consistently found that optimistic thinking protects against depression and other emotional problems like substance abuse. Maintaining a positive attitude will create a resiliency that can protect you regardless of the level of stress you are experiencing.

Optimist

The majority of Americans believe that happiness is attainable and work daily to reach that goal. With a positive attitude you will see opportunity in every situation no matter how many obstacles are presented. Research reports that the optimist has a different thinking pattern when faced with challenges. The optimist tends to focus on the facts to determine alternative ways to resolve the situation. They will appear hopeful even in situations that are non-negotiable or when there is no immediate resolution to the circumstances.

Everyone has the power to choose what they want to focus on. Many times the thinking process is clouded by fear and the possibilities of what may occur. Anytime fear is allowed to enter your emotions it will affect your judgment and natural abilities. Fear is attached to potential outcomes before they ever occur. You will not find fear in the present situations. It is only found in your thoughts of future outcome. So when you focus on the present and the current task you can remain positive about any dilemma you encounter. 

Temporary setbacks

Life will present daily challenges that will test your optimistic attitude. You won’t be successful all the time. However if you are willing to accept the challenge, you can learn from the information that your mistakes have taught you. You can be more astute in assessing your options to change the situation into a positive perspective or accept them for what they are if you are unable to control the issue. You can focus on the present and the task at hand. Look at all perspectives presented. Then reflect on what is important to you and how to build on that. Affirm your strengths and the accomplishments that you have made. That will empower you to overcome any hardship or obstacle you face to be successful and happy.

When you seem unable to find anything positive in your life and appear sad, irritable and hopeless you should seek professional help to determine what services may be helpful. If you don’t have insurance there are several community resources available that offer a sliding scale fee. Take the steps that you need to have the quality of life you desire.

“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” Winston Churchill

A New Year Brings New Opportunities

A New Year brings a time of reflection and also a vision of hope.  When you review your past successes and errors it can help you determine how to move forward and create the life you envision for yourself.  The possibilities are endless as long as you believe in yourself and are motivated to make the necessary changes needed.

Create the possibilities

Studies are reporting that it takes 30 days of consistency to change behavioral patterns.  This is a difficult, time consuming process for some individuals.  Novelist Arnold Bennett states “Any change, even change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts.”  So if you find change difficult to handle, you are not alone.  Change is the only constant that we have in life so it is better to learn how to use it to your advantage.

First30Days is an organization that has outlined several principles to overcome the obstacles of change.  First, change your point of view.  A positive outlook can motivate you to view the situation from different perspectives.  Recognize that you are stronger than you think and that something good will usually evolve from those challenges associated with change.  Accept the process of change, as resistance is usually wasted energy.  Remember, that negative thoughts will hinder your progress and you are the only one that can control what you think and feel.

New Year…new opportunities

Life is a gift that we may cherish or waste. If you are unhappy with your present situation take the steps to change it.  You only have control of yourself.  Do not wait for your spouse, boss, children or family to change.  It will never happen unless they decide to make the changes themselves.  What you need to realize is that your happiness lies within yourself, not upon others.  Create the life you want and the joy will follow. 

 

Down-size Your Holiday

The holiday season creates mixed emotions as we look forward to the family traditions of decorating the tree, gift exchanges, and Christmas dinner. During the preparations for these events we can make unrealistic demands on ourselves and then stress ourselves out when we can’t meet them. It can also create family conflict, strained finances, and increased indulgences of alcohol. The Journal of the American Medical Association reports that the effects of psychological stress can weaken immune function and trigger inflammation which raises the risk of autoimmune disease, coronary artery disease and depression.

Down-size your holiday

Research shows that those who can look at things from a different, lighter perspective are better able to handle higher amounts of stress. To decrease your stress have a family meeting and ask them to pick five things that they didn’t enjoy in previous holidays and give yourself permission not to do them. Then discuss with your partner how to share the additional responsibilities of decorating, gift shopping, and baking to your already frantic schedule. Sharing the responsibilities can create more balance in your relationship and it can keep you connected.

After determining what traditions are most important set a budget on how much you should spend. Put your family’s needs first and down-size from there. Gifts can be an expression of love but so can your time, affection and words of affirmation.

Enjoy your time together

Different polls report different statistics but somewhere between 60 to 80 percent will re-gift the presents they receive this year. Some people will re-gift to save money, others recycle or genuinely feel that someone else would enjoy the gift more. So don’t confuse love with the giving of gifts. Homemade gifts can be a family project. Try making your own Christmas cards this year, compile a cookbook of your family’s favorite recipes or make a coupon book for household chores. You could video tape family members doing a special talent and send it to grandparents. Challenge your creativity and set a $10.00 limit for a gift exchange or have a White Elephant gift swap. Removing the commercial pressure we feel during the holidays can leave you more time to appreciate the blessings of the holiday season.

Holiday Depression

The holiday season can be filled with parties and activities to celebrate with family and friends. For others it can be a time of sadness, loneliness and anxiety about an uncertain future and economy. During our lifetime we have all experienced melancholy feelings during the holidays with the loss of family members, divorce, arguments and the stress of over extending your budget. Holiday depression can evolve from the stress and disappointment of unrealistic expectations that were envisioned.

Holiday stress

One in ten American adults have depression that is genetically based and treated with medication. Sadness is a deep personal feeling. What makes one person sad won’t affect another person. Holiday sadness can be attributed to built-up expectations, disappointments from previous holidays, stress or fatigue from preparations, and financial worries. Headaches, excessive drinking, overeating and insomnia are some triggers to expound holiday stress. This can happen to seniors, men, women, and the sullen teenager.

Holiday preparations

In preparation for the holidays define your personal limits and stick to them. Decide what activities you would like to participate in, entertain in the home, visit relatives or travel during the holiday. Have a family meeting and discuss the options available to you. There is no one correct way to celebrate the season.

There are many options to relieve the stress and scale back the celebration. Decorate your home with the favorite traditional items or ones that hold the most memories for your family. Then create a budget and determine what you can spend for each person on your list and make no exceptions that would put you over your limit. Planning your holiday meal should be put in your expenses also.

If your family complains about the downsizing of the holiday explore the opportunities in helping others. There are several ideas that you and your family could choose from such as volunteering at the food bank, buying a gift for the Angel tree, or visiting seniors at nursing homes. Your family could attend church services and musical concerts that can replenish the holiday spirit when you feel overwhelmed. Making time to take care of yourself is also a gift because you will then have the energy to do for others. Determine what positive changes can be made this year so that you and your family are blessed with a happy and healthy holiday.   

 

 

Blending Families

Research has found that it takes at least four years for a stepfamily to blend and longer if the children are older.  There is no magic time table for success but children will adjust better to a blended family if there are positive attitudes about the adjustments everyone is experiencing.  Families won’t bond immediately and you will have to determine ways to merge different routines, rules and personalities.   

Steps to blending 

It is normal for children to be unsure about their relationship with a new step-parent.  When building relationships try to start with just eating as a family, watch a program together, walk the family pet or attend an activity together.  Try to take it slow and learn the interest and personalities of the children.  Blending families can also be an introduction of new cultures, religions, and hobbies.  Communicating those differences can also help the family bond as they learn more about each other.  

We can’t assume that over time, children will naturally adjust to their new roles and relationships that arise when families are blended.  A new parent figure can increase stress in young people because their relationships tend to be more conflict ridden.  Problems also arise when teens feel they have to compete for parental attention. Social Science research reports that boys living with half or step-siblings have the most difficulty adjusting to the blended family.  Teenagers in families with different biological parents have been reported to have lower grades and more behavior problems than other adolescents.  These problems may not improve over time.  

Work together

The biological parents must work together and co-parent the children as they strive to blend the new family systems. If the discord in your blended family escalates then seek insight from a counselor or your church pastor on ways to resolve the conflict. Set a time to have family meetings to discuss concerns and options available to resolve them. This will help the children realize that a blended family can also give them more people in their lives that care about them.

 

 

 

 

Face Your Fears

With Halloween just a few days away some children may be displaying more fear than usual. Why are we are afraid of the dark or that little spider? Daniel Pin a researcher from the National Institute of Mental Health states, “There is a strong relationship between age and the types of fears that people report in different cultures. This tells us that there is something fundamental about the development as it relates to fear.”

Fear

Science defines fear as a complex factor which involves genetics and experiences. These fears relate to changes in the brain. A toddler will display a fear of strangers or a fear of being separated from their parents. As the child grows and develops they may have a fear of certain animals, thunderstorms or a new environment. An adolescent will have a fear of rejection from their peers or individual they would like to date. They may avoid new social experiences for a fear of seeming awkward or making a mistake in front of their peers. As we evolve into an adult we could fear the possibility that we won’t meet our personal goals or what we envision our life should be.

Facing our fears

Seeing family members in a costume or mask can be very frightening to a child. Parents can help alleviate this fear by helping their child face them. Fears will abate by exposure. Facing your fears in a way that doesn’t overwhelm your senses would be a beginning step. First reason with your child and discuss why people wear costumes. Explain that costumes are pretend and part of the make believe of Halloween. Then show them there is a real person behind the mask. Give the child a mask to play with while looking at their self in the mirror. This will help your child to begin understanding the concept that the real person is still there behind the costume. A parent should explain this fear to the other children and adults in the home so they understand the dilemma and not escalate the concern with additional pranks or teasing. Even a sudden “BOO” can be devastating for a child learning to cope with their fear.

Parents can also help their child by having them become involved in the festivities of your family traditions. You could have them draw the face of the jack-o-lantern or decorate the cookies with candy corn. The child could play dress up with different costumes and use face paint instead of a mask. If your child doesn’t want to “Trick-or-Treat” let them dress up but stay home and hand out the treats for others. Parents should stay close by their child in case there is a need to reassure him or her. This will help to transition their feelings of fear into fun.