There is a current tendency in our society to be closer to our friends than our relatives. Families today rarely live in the same city making family dinners obsolete and reunions a thing of the past. Historically family reunions have been a time to build family interaction and unity. Having several generations assembled together can give you the opportunity to learn more about your family heritage and strengthen family traditions. This can create a deep sense of belonging to each family member that is passed on to future generations.
Getting organized
Families that are spread out over the United States will often take turns hosting the reunion. This allows extended family members to learn more about the state where the host lives and activities their family enjoys. First delegate information gathering tasks to determine the best location and time of year for the majority of families to attend. Next determine the amount of space needed for the reunion and cost per family. Then reserve the location and notify the extended family of the theme and other activities available in the area while visiting.
Celebrations are central around conversation, food and drink. Sharing favorite recipes from grandparents and asking family members to bring that special dish can be great conversation starters. Look at photo albums from past reunions. Celebrate the life of those who are no longer with you and discuss how they made a difference in your life. Create a time capsule and have the children place items in it each year. They can write a message to themselves sharing their dreams and goals which can be fun to reflect on at a later time.
Traditional reunions have many games and activities for all ages. There is horseshoes, potato sack races, face painting, pie eating contests and scavenger hunts. Other games like Bingo, Family Trivia, Dominoes, and cards are always a favorite. If you have creative family members have them put on a talent show or get out the Karaoke machine and sing your favorite songs together.
New memories
There are many ways to document the reunion and reflect on the great experience with video recorders, digital slide shows or your family Facebook page. Continue to update the family tree with the weddings, births and deaths that occur in the family. This will help you to keep the genealogy current and not let those memories fade quite so rapidly. Friends will come and go in our lives but your family will be with you forever.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
Substance abuse affects the family and workplace
Substance abuse disorders affect families of every race, ethnicity, socio-economic status and location. Individuals and families that face personal stressors of illness, death, marital or financial difficulties will often increase their alcohol or drug usage as a way to cope with their pain. The Center for Substance Abuse Treatment (CSAT) located within the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services report that adults from 50 to 59 years of age have increased their illicit drug usage from 2.7% in 2002 to 5% in 2007.
Substance abuse in the home
One in four children under the age of 18 years old live in a home where alcohol misuse or addiction is hurting the family. This can create highly stressful family situations that can often lead to domestic violence in the home. The abuse and neglect that a child experiences in these situations can create an adverse impact on their physical and cognitive development. The emotional stress experienced within the family system can affect a person’s mood, appetite, and sleep cycle. Children whose parents suffer from substance abuse are four times more likely to develop a substance abuse disorder themselves.
Substance abuse in the workforce
Some stress is normal in our lives but extreme stress interferes with productivity and diminishes your physical and emotional well-being. Twenty-five percent of people surveyed by CSAT viewed their job as the top stressor in their lives. Workers reported on the survey that job insecurity and the trend of working longer hours contributed to their substance usage. During difficult economic times people have been known to utilize alcohol or drugs to relieve stress. Other individuals in recovery from substance abuse disorders are at risk for a relapse.
Approximately 20 million adults were classified with substance abuse disorders in 2008 by CSAT. Fifteen million of those adults were employed full or part-time. This impacts the workplace in a variety of ways. The worker that abuses different substances is at risk for deteriorating health, injury, job loss, and family problems. The employer will have increased health costs, lower productivity, and higher absenteeism from those employees with substance abuse disorders.
Finding help
Individuals that need help for their substance abuse often do not pursue it because of cost, stigma, denial of the need, or knowing where to go for their treatment. Do not wait to ask for help. Prolonged exposure to drugs will alter the brain which results in powerful cravings to continue the use of drugs. Those brain changes can make it very difficult to quit abusing substances on your own. Treatment can be initiated voluntarily by the addict or pressured by family, employer, and the legal system.
Addiction is treated and reversed through therapy, meditation exercises and other outpatient or inpatient facility treatment. Recovery is a life-long process where the individual will usually struggle against having relapses. The addict will need ongoing treatment to review coping skills and appropriate use of their support system. The first step to recovery is asking for the help that you need to repair yourself and your family. Don’t let your addiction control your life. Love yourself and family enough to take the steps to change your life. “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” Mahatma Gandhi
Substance abuse in the home
One in four children under the age of 18 years old live in a home where alcohol misuse or addiction is hurting the family. This can create highly stressful family situations that can often lead to domestic violence in the home. The abuse and neglect that a child experiences in these situations can create an adverse impact on their physical and cognitive development. The emotional stress experienced within the family system can affect a person’s mood, appetite, and sleep cycle. Children whose parents suffer from substance abuse are four times more likely to develop a substance abuse disorder themselves.
Substance abuse in the workforce
Some stress is normal in our lives but extreme stress interferes with productivity and diminishes your physical and emotional well-being. Twenty-five percent of people surveyed by CSAT viewed their job as the top stressor in their lives. Workers reported on the survey that job insecurity and the trend of working longer hours contributed to their substance usage. During difficult economic times people have been known to utilize alcohol or drugs to relieve stress. Other individuals in recovery from substance abuse disorders are at risk for a relapse.
Approximately 20 million adults were classified with substance abuse disorders in 2008 by CSAT. Fifteen million of those adults were employed full or part-time. This impacts the workplace in a variety of ways. The worker that abuses different substances is at risk for deteriorating health, injury, job loss, and family problems. The employer will have increased health costs, lower productivity, and higher absenteeism from those employees with substance abuse disorders.
Finding help
Individuals that need help for their substance abuse often do not pursue it because of cost, stigma, denial of the need, or knowing where to go for their treatment. Do not wait to ask for help. Prolonged exposure to drugs will alter the brain which results in powerful cravings to continue the use of drugs. Those brain changes can make it very difficult to quit abusing substances on your own. Treatment can be initiated voluntarily by the addict or pressured by family, employer, and the legal system.
Addiction is treated and reversed through therapy, meditation exercises and other outpatient or inpatient facility treatment. Recovery is a life-long process where the individual will usually struggle against having relapses. The addict will need ongoing treatment to review coping skills and appropriate use of their support system. The first step to recovery is asking for the help that you need to repair yourself and your family. Don’t let your addiction control your life. Love yourself and family enough to take the steps to change your life. “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” Mahatma Gandhi
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Building trust in your relationships
Mutual trust is a shared belief that you can depend on each other to achieve a common goal or purpose. It is the expectancy that people can rely on your word. Building relationships requires building trust. Sex and relationship expert Ian Kerner PhD recently completed a survey with 2,000 women. The survey reported that 44 of wives admitted that they had trust issues and 77% were jealous if their husband had a close female friend. This causes 53% of wives to check their husband’s email and phone messages.
Unable to trust
We resist trusting others based on previous experiences of being hurt or disappointed. Trust is a critical element of a healthy relationship to families, teams, organizations, and communities. Motivational speaker Mike Robbins states, “We put up barriers to keep ourselves safe, but that usually leaves us guarded, leery and insecure, unable to easily create meaningful and fulfilling relationships with people.” No matter how guarded you are in your relationships you can still run the risk of getting hurt.
People that don’t learn to trust will struggle with low self-esteem, worry and fear. Not trusting people can trigger a defensive reaction in relationships which will keep emotional distance present. Some individuals are never able to move past a broken heart or willing to self-disclose their personal history which creates intimacy in a relationship. There are others who have experienced abuse and should utilize counseling for support as they take the steps of learning how to trust again.
Taking the steps
There will be situations where family, friends or co-workers will hurt you or let you down. This will happen because humans are not perfect and expectations may be set too high in the relationship. Begin building trust by observing behaviors of different individuals and look for people who treat others with kindness and respect. Ease into the relationship slowly and meet for lunch or coffee. Then take note if the person talks about others. If the conversation dominates toward gossip the individual will most likely not keep confidences that are shared.
A study from Ohio State University Marilynn Brewer PhD professor of Psychology states “Americans are willing to trust others at first until they are proved wrong. Men look for symbolic connections that you get from belonging to the same group, rather than personal connections that women prefer.” With the relationships in your life attempt to consciously grant trust to create a connection of cooperation and collaboration. Expect the best from people in a genuine healthy way. Find a balance between the openness needed and your personal well-being as you determine how intimate to become in the relationship. Trust frays when there are lies that erode and challenge intimacy. Psychiatrist Frank Pittman wisely reminds us that it is not “whom you lie with. It’s whom you lie to.”
Unable to trust
We resist trusting others based on previous experiences of being hurt or disappointed. Trust is a critical element of a healthy relationship to families, teams, organizations, and communities. Motivational speaker Mike Robbins states, “We put up barriers to keep ourselves safe, but that usually leaves us guarded, leery and insecure, unable to easily create meaningful and fulfilling relationships with people.” No matter how guarded you are in your relationships you can still run the risk of getting hurt.
People that don’t learn to trust will struggle with low self-esteem, worry and fear. Not trusting people can trigger a defensive reaction in relationships which will keep emotional distance present. Some individuals are never able to move past a broken heart or willing to self-disclose their personal history which creates intimacy in a relationship. There are others who have experienced abuse and should utilize counseling for support as they take the steps of learning how to trust again.
Taking the steps
There will be situations where family, friends or co-workers will hurt you or let you down. This will happen because humans are not perfect and expectations may be set too high in the relationship. Begin building trust by observing behaviors of different individuals and look for people who treat others with kindness and respect. Ease into the relationship slowly and meet for lunch or coffee. Then take note if the person talks about others. If the conversation dominates toward gossip the individual will most likely not keep confidences that are shared.
A study from Ohio State University Marilynn Brewer PhD professor of Psychology states “Americans are willing to trust others at first until they are proved wrong. Men look for symbolic connections that you get from belonging to the same group, rather than personal connections that women prefer.” With the relationships in your life attempt to consciously grant trust to create a connection of cooperation and collaboration. Expect the best from people in a genuine healthy way. Find a balance between the openness needed and your personal well-being as you determine how intimate to become in the relationship. Trust frays when there are lies that erode and challenge intimacy. Psychiatrist Frank Pittman wisely reminds us that it is not “whom you lie with. It’s whom you lie to.”
Monday, June 20, 2011
Overcome your fears
Fear is an emotional response to a perceived threat. Fear can make us feel helpless as we face unpredictable life experiences that we have no control of. Sensitive people dwell on the threat of what may happen and will avoid situations that they can’t control or are unfamiliar with. Fear creates physiological responses like heart palpitations, clammy skin, shortness of breath, dry mouth and muscle twitches. The severity of these symptoms can affect the quality of life for the individual experiencing them.
The science of fear
Fear is also a learned experience that is conditioned to the response of pain. This emotion initiates the sympathetic nervous system or the “fight or flight” response. The GABA system helps maintain the flow of stimulation reducing the flow of neural transmission. About 25 percent of us will experience the affects of anxiety and fear at sometime in our life. Memories of fearful experiences will change the encoding of our neuronal connections called synapses. When we anticipate the situation happening again the memory will trigger the previous encoded response stored in the brain.
Free yourself from fear
Fear can be a motivation to change. Rhonda Britten author of Fearless Living states, “Each time you do something and acknowledge yourself for it, what you’re really doing is building your self-confidence.” Self-certain people are aware of their strengths and weaknesses. They have prepared several options knowing that a safety plan creates a feeling of security. Your plan should involve your support system such as family and friends when taking on new challenges. They can provide the love and safety needed to build confidence when facing uncertainty. Isolation will only increase the fearful thoughts and negative emotions you are attempting to resolve.
Analyze your fear with facts. Determine how your fear or thoughts can harm you. Then replace them with the reality of the situation and acknowledging what was fantasy. Review your success and accomplishments when you have faced your fears. Journal your thoughts to help you change your thinking while you change your behaviors. Work to control your thoughts and focus on the positive as you build your confidence to become the person you envision being. Always seek professional help from your physician, counselor and pastor when needed.
The science of fear
Fear is also a learned experience that is conditioned to the response of pain. This emotion initiates the sympathetic nervous system or the “fight or flight” response. The GABA system helps maintain the flow of stimulation reducing the flow of neural transmission. About 25 percent of us will experience the affects of anxiety and fear at sometime in our life. Memories of fearful experiences will change the encoding of our neuronal connections called synapses. When we anticipate the situation happening again the memory will trigger the previous encoded response stored in the brain.
Free yourself from fear
Fear can be a motivation to change. Rhonda Britten author of Fearless Living states, “Each time you do something and acknowledge yourself for it, what you’re really doing is building your self-confidence.” Self-certain people are aware of their strengths and weaknesses. They have prepared several options knowing that a safety plan creates a feeling of security. Your plan should involve your support system such as family and friends when taking on new challenges. They can provide the love and safety needed to build confidence when facing uncertainty. Isolation will only increase the fearful thoughts and negative emotions you are attempting to resolve.
Analyze your fear with facts. Determine how your fear or thoughts can harm you. Then replace them with the reality of the situation and acknowledging what was fantasy. Review your success and accomplishments when you have faced your fears. Journal your thoughts to help you change your thinking while you change your behaviors. Work to control your thoughts and focus on the positive as you build your confidence to become the person you envision being. Always seek professional help from your physician, counselor and pastor when needed.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Fatherhood
The role of the father has become a difficult one in today’s family system. A 2010 census reports an estimated 24.7 million children in the United States live absent from their biological father. The statistics become more alarming when 40% of these children haven’t seen their father in a year and another 26% of absent fathers live in another state. With the celebration of Father’s Day this week it may be a good time to identify the barriers that keep you from participating in your children’s life.
Single Fathers
Today one in every three homes is headed by a woman and one in every six by a man. Once the divorce is finalized research reports that it may take up to three years to for a family to adjust to their new life style. This can encompass visitation, finances, employment, daycare, and relocating. Becoming a single-parent is challenging and at times overwhelming. Determine what support you need and then begin to establish a network. Review your budget and how to reduce extra curricular expenses. Determine if you qualify for state or federal assistance for food, health care, daycare, counseling, job training or housing. Check on Federal grants for single-parents to retrain or complete their education.
At home delegate chores to each child that are age appropriate and that can be completed in fifteen to thirty minutes. This can be as easy as emptying the trash, loading the dishwasher, running the sweeper, taking care of the pets or doing a load of laundry. With everyone working together you will be able to reduce your stress and teach the children the responsibilities of taking care of their home.
Involved Fathers
Father’s have a unique and crucial role in child development. This nurturing bond will determine school success, healthy self-esteem, mental health and a stronger avoidance to drugs. Data reported by the Family Strengthening Policy Center in December 2005, states that children with involved fathers experience less poverty, perform better in school while completing their education. They will also display fewer behavioral problems and above average cognitive and psychosocial development.
A father should be a positive role model that can provide financial security for their children. He facilitates their moral development and assists in learning important life skills. Loving a child is more than just saying, “I love you.” It’s demonstrated in daily activities throughout their children’s lifetime. Whatever time you have to spend with your children try and become involved in their lives. Learn the names of their best friends and the activities that they participate in. Take part in community activities and plan family outings to facilitate emotional bonding. Volunteer at their school and attend their parent/teacher conferences. Establish a routine that your children will look forward to and know that you will be spending time with them. Father’s continue to play a critical role in the development of their children whether they are living in the household or as a single-parent. Investing your time in the relationship with your children will pay dividends for many years.
Single Fathers
Today one in every three homes is headed by a woman and one in every six by a man. Once the divorce is finalized research reports that it may take up to three years to for a family to adjust to their new life style. This can encompass visitation, finances, employment, daycare, and relocating. Becoming a single-parent is challenging and at times overwhelming. Determine what support you need and then begin to establish a network. Review your budget and how to reduce extra curricular expenses. Determine if you qualify for state or federal assistance for food, health care, daycare, counseling, job training or housing. Check on Federal grants for single-parents to retrain or complete their education.
At home delegate chores to each child that are age appropriate and that can be completed in fifteen to thirty minutes. This can be as easy as emptying the trash, loading the dishwasher, running the sweeper, taking care of the pets or doing a load of laundry. With everyone working together you will be able to reduce your stress and teach the children the responsibilities of taking care of their home.
Involved Fathers
Father’s have a unique and crucial role in child development. This nurturing bond will determine school success, healthy self-esteem, mental health and a stronger avoidance to drugs. Data reported by the Family Strengthening Policy Center in December 2005, states that children with involved fathers experience less poverty, perform better in school while completing their education. They will also display fewer behavioral problems and above average cognitive and psychosocial development.
A father should be a positive role model that can provide financial security for their children. He facilitates their moral development and assists in learning important life skills. Loving a child is more than just saying, “I love you.” It’s demonstrated in daily activities throughout their children’s lifetime. Whatever time you have to spend with your children try and become involved in their lives. Learn the names of their best friends and the activities that they participate in. Take part in community activities and plan family outings to facilitate emotional bonding. Volunteer at their school and attend their parent/teacher conferences. Establish a routine that your children will look forward to and know that you will be spending time with them. Father’s continue to play a critical role in the development of their children whether they are living in the household or as a single-parent. Investing your time in the relationship with your children will pay dividends for many years.
Tuesday, June 07, 2011
Make fun a priority in your marriage
When a couple marries they envision a life together with their best friend. Unfortunately there are many issues that can complicate the relationship such as sex, money, trust, and fidelity. An article published in the Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy report that 45- 55% of women and 50-60% of men will become involved in extramarital sex at some time during their marriage. The individual would intentionally engage in the affair with no intention of leaving their committed relationship.
Cultural differences with marriage and monogamy
There are many published reports that paint a grim picture for a healthy marriage in our society today. The Associated Press reports that 90% of Americans believe that adultery is wrong but 50% will engage in an affair anyway. Our culture is based on the Puritanical view that the violation to wedding vows is an unforgiveable offense. The European culture assumes there will be infidelities in a marriage and allow the option of a mistress or mister. The United States has the highest divorce rate in the world while other European countries have almost half the number of divorces due to their relaxed attitude toward monogamy.
Prioritize your marriage
Studies have found that the happiest married couples have learned how to prioritize having fun together. Having a busy work schedule, attending classes or keeping up with activities that your children are involved in can make this a difficult task. Make a list of activities that you would like to do together. Step out of your comfort zone and try new experiences like dance lessons, plays, concerts, or a cooking class where you can share your thoughts and ideas. Just spending time together isn’t enough to strengthen the relationship. Behavioral scientists report “New experiences activate the brain’s reward system, flooding it with dopamine and norepinephrine which are the same brain circuits that are ignited in early romantic love.” Couples that participated in “exciting” date nights reported a greater increase in marital satisfaction.
Protect your date nights from becoming a time to resolve conflicts. Agree to discuss your concerns at an alternative time like in the morning over breakfast or after completing evening chores. Dr. John Gottman’s research has found that “For every one disagreement, misunderstanding or hurt feeling, they need five positive, affectionate caring or fun interactions to counterbalance it.” Conflict is inevitable in long-term relationships but it can erode the relationship if concerns are used to control the partner or not resolved in a constructive manner. Find the balance needed to actively listen to the concern presented without attacking each other in the process to finding a compromise. Seek counseling when you feel stuck or unable to find a solution to the problem. Sometimes discussing the concern with a neutral party can help to get your relationship back on track and enjoying each other again.
Cultural differences with marriage and monogamy
There are many published reports that paint a grim picture for a healthy marriage in our society today. The Associated Press reports that 90% of Americans believe that adultery is wrong but 50% will engage in an affair anyway. Our culture is based on the Puritanical view that the violation to wedding vows is an unforgiveable offense. The European culture assumes there will be infidelities in a marriage and allow the option of a mistress or mister. The United States has the highest divorce rate in the world while other European countries have almost half the number of divorces due to their relaxed attitude toward monogamy.
Prioritize your marriage
Studies have found that the happiest married couples have learned how to prioritize having fun together. Having a busy work schedule, attending classes or keeping up with activities that your children are involved in can make this a difficult task. Make a list of activities that you would like to do together. Step out of your comfort zone and try new experiences like dance lessons, plays, concerts, or a cooking class where you can share your thoughts and ideas. Just spending time together isn’t enough to strengthen the relationship. Behavioral scientists report “New experiences activate the brain’s reward system, flooding it with dopamine and norepinephrine which are the same brain circuits that are ignited in early romantic love.” Couples that participated in “exciting” date nights reported a greater increase in marital satisfaction.
Protect your date nights from becoming a time to resolve conflicts. Agree to discuss your concerns at an alternative time like in the morning over breakfast or after completing evening chores. Dr. John Gottman’s research has found that “For every one disagreement, misunderstanding or hurt feeling, they need five positive, affectionate caring or fun interactions to counterbalance it.” Conflict is inevitable in long-term relationships but it can erode the relationship if concerns are used to control the partner or not resolved in a constructive manner. Find the balance needed to actively listen to the concern presented without attacking each other in the process to finding a compromise. Seek counseling when you feel stuck or unable to find a solution to the problem. Sometimes discussing the concern with a neutral party can help to get your relationship back on track and enjoying each other again.
Monday, May 09, 2011
Relocating your family
The decision to relocate your family can involve more than the financial opportunity of career advancement. With the strain of the current economy many families will move due to the loss of income, divorce or the death of a partner and have the need to decrease their living expenses. These changes in our daily life can create emotional turmoil for the entire family.
Emotional Preparation
Whether the move is affecting a child, spouse or aging parent there will be feelings and concerns that should be recognized. It will be important to have open communication and discuss how the move will benefit the family as a whole. Try to be an attentive listener when they share their apprehensions. Empathize and acknowledge their concerns about this important transition in their life. Allow time for them to grieve their loss and work toward acceptance. Then reinforce the positive aspects of the move and how it is the best choice for the entire family.
Moving with children that are 5 to 6 years old can be a difficult time since they are developing a sense of self separate from their parents. They are learning how to adjust to new authority figures and building friendships. A change in their environment during this developmental stage can create an enhanced dependence on parents or separation anxiety. Pre-teens and teenagers will not want to leave their peer group as their sense of self has grown with these relationships. Parents may see signs of distress with a change in appetite, social withdrawal, failing grades, anger, sleep disturbance and mood swings. If your children display escalating emotional duress during this time seek the help of a mental health professional, pastor or school counselor for support.
Family Involvement
Have a family meeting and involve everyone in making the plans for this new adjustment. Utilize the available technology to present information acquired about the community, schools and housing options. Discuss the local activities for everyone at school, church, sports and extra-curricular options. Plan how to continue communicating with family, friends and neighbors by creating a booklet of photos with their contact information. Each family member may want to create their own book of memories. Then plan a “See you soon” party so that you can say good-bye and celebrate your new beginning.
The New Beginning
Having the children pack their favorite items last in their own box will allow them to unpack those items first when you arrive at your new home. This will make their new room feel like home to them. Unpacking the essentials will also get your family back to their routine. The consistency of meals, bed time and play time will normalize the changes and help them to adjust to their new environment. Try to make the first night festive with a picnic in the front room on a blanket or rolling out sleeping bags for an indoor camp out. Then celebrate the memories your family will make together in your new home.
Emotional Preparation
Whether the move is affecting a child, spouse or aging parent there will be feelings and concerns that should be recognized. It will be important to have open communication and discuss how the move will benefit the family as a whole. Try to be an attentive listener when they share their apprehensions. Empathize and acknowledge their concerns about this important transition in their life. Allow time for them to grieve their loss and work toward acceptance. Then reinforce the positive aspects of the move and how it is the best choice for the entire family.
Moving with children that are 5 to 6 years old can be a difficult time since they are developing a sense of self separate from their parents. They are learning how to adjust to new authority figures and building friendships. A change in their environment during this developmental stage can create an enhanced dependence on parents or separation anxiety. Pre-teens and teenagers will not want to leave their peer group as their sense of self has grown with these relationships. Parents may see signs of distress with a change in appetite, social withdrawal, failing grades, anger, sleep disturbance and mood swings. If your children display escalating emotional duress during this time seek the help of a mental health professional, pastor or school counselor for support.
Family Involvement
Have a family meeting and involve everyone in making the plans for this new adjustment. Utilize the available technology to present information acquired about the community, schools and housing options. Discuss the local activities for everyone at school, church, sports and extra-curricular options. Plan how to continue communicating with family, friends and neighbors by creating a booklet of photos with their contact information. Each family member may want to create their own book of memories. Then plan a “See you soon” party so that you can say good-bye and celebrate your new beginning.
The New Beginning
Having the children pack their favorite items last in their own box will allow them to unpack those items first when you arrive at your new home. This will make their new room feel like home to them. Unpacking the essentials will also get your family back to their routine. The consistency of meals, bed time and play time will normalize the changes and help them to adjust to their new environment. Try to make the first night festive with a picnic in the front room on a blanket or rolling out sleeping bags for an indoor camp out. Then celebrate the memories your family will make together in your new home.
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