Mutual trust is a shared belief that you can depend on each other to achieve a common goal or purpose. It is the expectancy that people can rely on your word. Building relationships requires building trust. Sex and relationship expert Ian Kerner PhD recently completed a survey with 2,000 women. The survey reported that 44 of wives admitted that they had trust issues and 77% were jealous if their husband had a close female friend. This causes 53% of wives to check their husband’s email and phone messages.
Unable to trust
We resist trusting others based on previous experiences of being hurt or disappointed. Trust is a critical element of a healthy relationship to families, teams, organizations, and communities. Motivational speaker Mike Robbins states, “We put up barriers to keep ourselves safe, but that usually leaves us guarded, leery and insecure, unable to easily create meaningful and fulfilling relationships with people.” No matter how guarded you are in your relationships you can still run the risk of getting hurt.
People that don’t learn to trust will struggle with low self-esteem, worry and fear. Not trusting people can trigger a defensive reaction in relationships which will keep emotional distance present. Some individuals are never able to move past a broken heart or willing to self-disclose their personal history which creates intimacy in a relationship. There are others who have experienced abuse and should utilize counseling for support as they take the steps of learning how to trust again.
Taking the steps
There will be situations where family, friends or co-workers will hurt you or let you down. This will happen because humans are not perfect and expectations may be set too high in the relationship. Begin building trust by observing behaviors of different individuals and look for people who treat others with kindness and respect. Ease into the relationship slowly and meet for lunch or coffee. Then take note if the person talks about others. If the conversation dominates toward gossip the individual will most likely not keep confidences that are shared.
A study from Ohio State University Marilynn Brewer PhD professor of Psychology states “Americans are willing to trust others at first until they are proved wrong. Men look for symbolic connections that you get from belonging to the same group, rather than personal connections that women prefer.” With the relationships in your life attempt to consciously grant trust to create a connection of cooperation and collaboration. Expect the best from people in a genuine healthy way. Find a balance between the openness needed and your personal well-being as you determine how intimate to become in the relationship. Trust frays when there are lies that erode and challenge intimacy. Psychiatrist Frank Pittman wisely reminds us that it is not “whom you lie with. It’s whom you lie to.”
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Monday, June 20, 2011
Overcome your fears
Fear is an emotional response to a perceived threat. Fear can make us feel helpless as we face unpredictable life experiences that we have no control of. Sensitive people dwell on the threat of what may happen and will avoid situations that they can’t control or are unfamiliar with. Fear creates physiological responses like heart palpitations, clammy skin, shortness of breath, dry mouth and muscle twitches. The severity of these symptoms can affect the quality of life for the individual experiencing them.
The science of fear
Fear is also a learned experience that is conditioned to the response of pain. This emotion initiates the sympathetic nervous system or the “fight or flight” response. The GABA system helps maintain the flow of stimulation reducing the flow of neural transmission. About 25 percent of us will experience the affects of anxiety and fear at sometime in our life. Memories of fearful experiences will change the encoding of our neuronal connections called synapses. When we anticipate the situation happening again the memory will trigger the previous encoded response stored in the brain.
Free yourself from fear
Fear can be a motivation to change. Rhonda Britten author of Fearless Living states, “Each time you do something and acknowledge yourself for it, what you’re really doing is building your self-confidence.” Self-certain people are aware of their strengths and weaknesses. They have prepared several options knowing that a safety plan creates a feeling of security. Your plan should involve your support system such as family and friends when taking on new challenges. They can provide the love and safety needed to build confidence when facing uncertainty. Isolation will only increase the fearful thoughts and negative emotions you are attempting to resolve.
Analyze your fear with facts. Determine how your fear or thoughts can harm you. Then replace them with the reality of the situation and acknowledging what was fantasy. Review your success and accomplishments when you have faced your fears. Journal your thoughts to help you change your thinking while you change your behaviors. Work to control your thoughts and focus on the positive as you build your confidence to become the person you envision being. Always seek professional help from your physician, counselor and pastor when needed.
The science of fear
Fear is also a learned experience that is conditioned to the response of pain. This emotion initiates the sympathetic nervous system or the “fight or flight” response. The GABA system helps maintain the flow of stimulation reducing the flow of neural transmission. About 25 percent of us will experience the affects of anxiety and fear at sometime in our life. Memories of fearful experiences will change the encoding of our neuronal connections called synapses. When we anticipate the situation happening again the memory will trigger the previous encoded response stored in the brain.
Free yourself from fear
Fear can be a motivation to change. Rhonda Britten author of Fearless Living states, “Each time you do something and acknowledge yourself for it, what you’re really doing is building your self-confidence.” Self-certain people are aware of their strengths and weaknesses. They have prepared several options knowing that a safety plan creates a feeling of security. Your plan should involve your support system such as family and friends when taking on new challenges. They can provide the love and safety needed to build confidence when facing uncertainty. Isolation will only increase the fearful thoughts and negative emotions you are attempting to resolve.
Analyze your fear with facts. Determine how your fear or thoughts can harm you. Then replace them with the reality of the situation and acknowledging what was fantasy. Review your success and accomplishments when you have faced your fears. Journal your thoughts to help you change your thinking while you change your behaviors. Work to control your thoughts and focus on the positive as you build your confidence to become the person you envision being. Always seek professional help from your physician, counselor and pastor when needed.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Fatherhood
The role of the father has become a difficult one in today’s family system. A 2010 census reports an estimated 24.7 million children in the United States live absent from their biological father. The statistics become more alarming when 40% of these children haven’t seen their father in a year and another 26% of absent fathers live in another state. With the celebration of Father’s Day this week it may be a good time to identify the barriers that keep you from participating in your children’s life.
Single Fathers
Today one in every three homes is headed by a woman and one in every six by a man. Once the divorce is finalized research reports that it may take up to three years to for a family to adjust to their new life style. This can encompass visitation, finances, employment, daycare, and relocating. Becoming a single-parent is challenging and at times overwhelming. Determine what support you need and then begin to establish a network. Review your budget and how to reduce extra curricular expenses. Determine if you qualify for state or federal assistance for food, health care, daycare, counseling, job training or housing. Check on Federal grants for single-parents to retrain or complete their education.
At home delegate chores to each child that are age appropriate and that can be completed in fifteen to thirty minutes. This can be as easy as emptying the trash, loading the dishwasher, running the sweeper, taking care of the pets or doing a load of laundry. With everyone working together you will be able to reduce your stress and teach the children the responsibilities of taking care of their home.
Involved Fathers
Father’s have a unique and crucial role in child development. This nurturing bond will determine school success, healthy self-esteem, mental health and a stronger avoidance to drugs. Data reported by the Family Strengthening Policy Center in December 2005, states that children with involved fathers experience less poverty, perform better in school while completing their education. They will also display fewer behavioral problems and above average cognitive and psychosocial development.
A father should be a positive role model that can provide financial security for their children. He facilitates their moral development and assists in learning important life skills. Loving a child is more than just saying, “I love you.” It’s demonstrated in daily activities throughout their children’s lifetime. Whatever time you have to spend with your children try and become involved in their lives. Learn the names of their best friends and the activities that they participate in. Take part in community activities and plan family outings to facilitate emotional bonding. Volunteer at their school and attend their parent/teacher conferences. Establish a routine that your children will look forward to and know that you will be spending time with them. Father’s continue to play a critical role in the development of their children whether they are living in the household or as a single-parent. Investing your time in the relationship with your children will pay dividends for many years.
Single Fathers
Today one in every three homes is headed by a woman and one in every six by a man. Once the divorce is finalized research reports that it may take up to three years to for a family to adjust to their new life style. This can encompass visitation, finances, employment, daycare, and relocating. Becoming a single-parent is challenging and at times overwhelming. Determine what support you need and then begin to establish a network. Review your budget and how to reduce extra curricular expenses. Determine if you qualify for state or federal assistance for food, health care, daycare, counseling, job training or housing. Check on Federal grants for single-parents to retrain or complete their education.
At home delegate chores to each child that are age appropriate and that can be completed in fifteen to thirty minutes. This can be as easy as emptying the trash, loading the dishwasher, running the sweeper, taking care of the pets or doing a load of laundry. With everyone working together you will be able to reduce your stress and teach the children the responsibilities of taking care of their home.
Involved Fathers
Father’s have a unique and crucial role in child development. This nurturing bond will determine school success, healthy self-esteem, mental health and a stronger avoidance to drugs. Data reported by the Family Strengthening Policy Center in December 2005, states that children with involved fathers experience less poverty, perform better in school while completing their education. They will also display fewer behavioral problems and above average cognitive and psychosocial development.
A father should be a positive role model that can provide financial security for their children. He facilitates their moral development and assists in learning important life skills. Loving a child is more than just saying, “I love you.” It’s demonstrated in daily activities throughout their children’s lifetime. Whatever time you have to spend with your children try and become involved in their lives. Learn the names of their best friends and the activities that they participate in. Take part in community activities and plan family outings to facilitate emotional bonding. Volunteer at their school and attend their parent/teacher conferences. Establish a routine that your children will look forward to and know that you will be spending time with them. Father’s continue to play a critical role in the development of their children whether they are living in the household or as a single-parent. Investing your time in the relationship with your children will pay dividends for many years.
Tuesday, June 07, 2011
Make fun a priority in your marriage
When a couple marries they envision a life together with their best friend. Unfortunately there are many issues that can complicate the relationship such as sex, money, trust, and fidelity. An article published in the Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy report that 45- 55% of women and 50-60% of men will become involved in extramarital sex at some time during their marriage. The individual would intentionally engage in the affair with no intention of leaving their committed relationship.
Cultural differences with marriage and monogamy
There are many published reports that paint a grim picture for a healthy marriage in our society today. The Associated Press reports that 90% of Americans believe that adultery is wrong but 50% will engage in an affair anyway. Our culture is based on the Puritanical view that the violation to wedding vows is an unforgiveable offense. The European culture assumes there will be infidelities in a marriage and allow the option of a mistress or mister. The United States has the highest divorce rate in the world while other European countries have almost half the number of divorces due to their relaxed attitude toward monogamy.
Prioritize your marriage
Studies have found that the happiest married couples have learned how to prioritize having fun together. Having a busy work schedule, attending classes or keeping up with activities that your children are involved in can make this a difficult task. Make a list of activities that you would like to do together. Step out of your comfort zone and try new experiences like dance lessons, plays, concerts, or a cooking class where you can share your thoughts and ideas. Just spending time together isn’t enough to strengthen the relationship. Behavioral scientists report “New experiences activate the brain’s reward system, flooding it with dopamine and norepinephrine which are the same brain circuits that are ignited in early romantic love.” Couples that participated in “exciting” date nights reported a greater increase in marital satisfaction.
Protect your date nights from becoming a time to resolve conflicts. Agree to discuss your concerns at an alternative time like in the morning over breakfast or after completing evening chores. Dr. John Gottman’s research has found that “For every one disagreement, misunderstanding or hurt feeling, they need five positive, affectionate caring or fun interactions to counterbalance it.” Conflict is inevitable in long-term relationships but it can erode the relationship if concerns are used to control the partner or not resolved in a constructive manner. Find the balance needed to actively listen to the concern presented without attacking each other in the process to finding a compromise. Seek counseling when you feel stuck or unable to find a solution to the problem. Sometimes discussing the concern with a neutral party can help to get your relationship back on track and enjoying each other again.
Cultural differences with marriage and monogamy
There are many published reports that paint a grim picture for a healthy marriage in our society today. The Associated Press reports that 90% of Americans believe that adultery is wrong but 50% will engage in an affair anyway. Our culture is based on the Puritanical view that the violation to wedding vows is an unforgiveable offense. The European culture assumes there will be infidelities in a marriage and allow the option of a mistress or mister. The United States has the highest divorce rate in the world while other European countries have almost half the number of divorces due to their relaxed attitude toward monogamy.
Prioritize your marriage
Studies have found that the happiest married couples have learned how to prioritize having fun together. Having a busy work schedule, attending classes or keeping up with activities that your children are involved in can make this a difficult task. Make a list of activities that you would like to do together. Step out of your comfort zone and try new experiences like dance lessons, plays, concerts, or a cooking class where you can share your thoughts and ideas. Just spending time together isn’t enough to strengthen the relationship. Behavioral scientists report “New experiences activate the brain’s reward system, flooding it with dopamine and norepinephrine which are the same brain circuits that are ignited in early romantic love.” Couples that participated in “exciting” date nights reported a greater increase in marital satisfaction.
Protect your date nights from becoming a time to resolve conflicts. Agree to discuss your concerns at an alternative time like in the morning over breakfast or after completing evening chores. Dr. John Gottman’s research has found that “For every one disagreement, misunderstanding or hurt feeling, they need five positive, affectionate caring or fun interactions to counterbalance it.” Conflict is inevitable in long-term relationships but it can erode the relationship if concerns are used to control the partner or not resolved in a constructive manner. Find the balance needed to actively listen to the concern presented without attacking each other in the process to finding a compromise. Seek counseling when you feel stuck or unable to find a solution to the problem. Sometimes discussing the concern with a neutral party can help to get your relationship back on track and enjoying each other again.
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