Down-size Your Holiday

The holiday season creates mixed emotions as we look forward to the family traditions of decorating the tree, gift exchanges, and Christmas dinner. During the preparations for these events we can make unrealistic demands on ourselves and then stress ourselves out when we can’t meet them. It can also create family conflict, strained finances, and increased indulgences of alcohol. The Journal of the American Medical Association reports that the effects of psychological stress can weaken immune function and trigger inflammation which raises the risk of autoimmune disease, coronary artery disease and depression.

Down-size your holiday

Research shows that those who can look at things from a different, lighter perspective are better able to handle higher amounts of stress. To decrease your stress have a family meeting and ask them to pick five things that they didn’t enjoy in previous holidays and give yourself permission not to do them. Then discuss with your partner how to share the additional responsibilities of decorating, gift shopping, and baking to your already frantic schedule. Sharing the responsibilities can create more balance in your relationship and it can keep you connected.

After determining what traditions are most important set a budget on how much you should spend. Put your family’s needs first and down-size from there. Gifts can be an expression of love but so can your time, affection and words of affirmation.

Enjoy your time together

Different polls report different statistics but somewhere between 60 to 80 percent will re-gift the presents they receive this year. Some people will re-gift to save money, others recycle or genuinely feel that someone else would enjoy the gift more. So don’t confuse love with the giving of gifts. Homemade gifts can be a family project. Try making your own Christmas cards this year, compile a cookbook of your family’s favorite recipes or make a coupon book for household chores. You could video tape family members doing a special talent and send it to grandparents. Challenge your creativity and set a $10.00 limit for a gift exchange or have a White Elephant gift swap. Removing the commercial pressure we feel during the holidays can leave you more time to appreciate the blessings of the holiday season.

Holiday Depression

The holiday season can be filled with parties and activities to celebrate with family and friends. For others it can be a time of sadness, loneliness and anxiety about an uncertain future and economy. During our lifetime we have all experienced melancholy feelings during the holidays with the loss of family members, divorce, arguments and the stress of over extending your budget. Holiday depression can evolve from the stress and disappointment of unrealistic expectations that were envisioned.

Holiday stress

One in ten American adults have depression that is genetically based and treated with medication. Sadness is a deep personal feeling. What makes one person sad won’t affect another person. Holiday sadness can be attributed to built-up expectations, disappointments from previous holidays, stress or fatigue from preparations, and financial worries. Headaches, excessive drinking, overeating and insomnia are some triggers to expound holiday stress. This can happen to seniors, men, women, and the sullen teenager.

Holiday preparations

In preparation for the holidays define your personal limits and stick to them. Decide what activities you would like to participate in, entertain in the home, visit relatives or travel during the holiday. Have a family meeting and discuss the options available to you. There is no one correct way to celebrate the season.

There are many options to relieve the stress and scale back the celebration. Decorate your home with the favorite traditional items or ones that hold the most memories for your family. Then create a budget and determine what you can spend for each person on your list and make no exceptions that would put you over your limit. Planning your holiday meal should be put in your expenses also.

If your family complains about the downsizing of the holiday explore the opportunities in helping others. There are several ideas that you and your family could choose from such as volunteering at the food bank, buying a gift for the Angel tree, or visiting seniors at nursing homes. Your family could attend church services and musical concerts that can replenish the holiday spirit when you feel overwhelmed. Making time to take care of yourself is also a gift because you will then have the energy to do for others. Determine what positive changes can be made this year so that you and your family are blessed with a happy and healthy holiday.   

 

 

Blending Families

Research has found that it takes at least four years for a stepfamily to blend and longer if the children are older.  There is no magic time table for success but children will adjust better to a blended family if there are positive attitudes about the adjustments everyone is experiencing.  Families won’t bond immediately and you will have to determine ways to merge different routines, rules and personalities.   

Steps to blending 

It is normal for children to be unsure about their relationship with a new step-parent.  When building relationships try to start with just eating as a family, watch a program together, walk the family pet or attend an activity together.  Try to take it slow and learn the interest and personalities of the children.  Blending families can also be an introduction of new cultures, religions, and hobbies.  Communicating those differences can also help the family bond as they learn more about each other.  

We can’t assume that over time, children will naturally adjust to their new roles and relationships that arise when families are blended.  A new parent figure can increase stress in young people because their relationships tend to be more conflict ridden.  Problems also arise when teens feel they have to compete for parental attention. Social Science research reports that boys living with half or step-siblings have the most difficulty adjusting to the blended family.  Teenagers in families with different biological parents have been reported to have lower grades and more behavior problems than other adolescents.  These problems may not improve over time.  

Work together

The biological parents must work together and co-parent the children as they strive to blend the new family systems. If the discord in your blended family escalates then seek insight from a counselor or your church pastor on ways to resolve the conflict. Set a time to have family meetings to discuss concerns and options available to resolve them. This will help the children realize that a blended family can also give them more people in their lives that care about them.

 

 

 

 

Face Your Fears

With Halloween just a few days away some children may be displaying more fear than usual. Why are we are afraid of the dark or that little spider? Daniel Pin a researcher from the National Institute of Mental Health states, “There is a strong relationship between age and the types of fears that people report in different cultures. This tells us that there is something fundamental about the development as it relates to fear.”

Fear

Science defines fear as a complex factor which involves genetics and experiences. These fears relate to changes in the brain. A toddler will display a fear of strangers or a fear of being separated from their parents. As the child grows and develops they may have a fear of certain animals, thunderstorms or a new environment. An adolescent will have a fear of rejection from their peers or individual they would like to date. They may avoid new social experiences for a fear of seeming awkward or making a mistake in front of their peers. As we evolve into an adult we could fear the possibility that we won’t meet our personal goals or what we envision our life should be.

Facing our fears

Seeing family members in a costume or mask can be very frightening to a child. Parents can help alleviate this fear by helping their child face them. Fears will abate by exposure. Facing your fears in a way that doesn’t overwhelm your senses would be a beginning step. First reason with your child and discuss why people wear costumes. Explain that costumes are pretend and part of the make believe of Halloween. Then show them there is a real person behind the mask. Give the child a mask to play with while looking at their self in the mirror. This will help your child to begin understanding the concept that the real person is still there behind the costume. A parent should explain this fear to the other children and adults in the home so they understand the dilemma and not escalate the concern with additional pranks or teasing. Even a sudden “BOO” can be devastating for a child learning to cope with their fear.

Parents can also help their child by having them become involved in the festivities of your family traditions. You could have them draw the face of the jack-o-lantern or decorate the cookies with candy corn. The child could play dress up with different costumes and use face paint instead of a mask. If your child doesn’t want to “Trick-or-Treat” let them dress up but stay home and hand out the treats for others. Parents should stay close by their child in case there is a need to reassure him or her. This will help to transition their feelings of fear into fun.

 

An Emotional Affair

Emotional intimacy is the most powerful bond in human relationships…..much stronger than sexual. A new type of infidelity has increased over the last decade and is one of the biggest threats to marriage….emotional affairs. You can have an affair without having sex. Sometimes the greatest betrayal happens without touching. Infidelity is considered to be any emotional or sexual intimacy that violates trust with your mate.

Sliding across boundaries

Affairs can happen in good marriages. They are less about love and more about sliding across professional boundaries into the personal area of your life. Today’s workplace has become the new danger zone of opportunities for emotional affairs which has only been surpassed by the internet. As these circumstances for intimate relationships increase, the boundaries between platonic and romantic feelings blur and become easier to cross.

When you discuss what your marriage lacks to a colleague of the opposite sex you are sending a loud message that you’re available for someone else to love and care for your needs. This behavior is also a breach of the trust that you share in your relationship. Discussing intimate concerns outside the marriage will create a false sense of intimacy that states your happiness is valued by this person.

Comparing another person against your partner will also create a dangerous negative thinking pattern. This can make you begin to daydream about this individual who seems to understand you. You will find yourself looking forward to seeing them, sharing personal news and imagining their excitement when you are together. This euphoric feeling will release dopamine in the reward centers of your brain which will also reinforce the illusion that this person relates to you like nobody else.

Not “just friends”

Individuals involved in an emotional affair will let their negative thinking patterns blame the mate for their unhappiness. A sense of entitlement evolves and resentment will build and push you from your spouse. As a result you will begin to pull away and make excuses to avoid joining activities with your partner.

Secrecy can then become another warning sign as it creates an unhealthy bond that gives a false sense of emotional safety. If your partner tries to interfere with the “friendship”, anger is directed at the invasion and your mood becomes more irritable or unhappy.

There will come a time in the alliance when one or both parties will fantasize about having a loving sexual relationship with each other. This discussion will add intensity to the desire. Not heeding the warning signs and finding time to spend alone together will push the bond from platonic to sexual. Healing your marriage after an affair is a very difficult process. It is best to be aware of the warning signs and understand that a friendship with the opposite gender can evolve to more.

 

Personality and Attraction

Psychologists define personality as a “collection of emotional, thought and behavioral patterns unique to a person that is consistent over time.” People tend to like others who seem similar to their own characteristics of attitude, belief, personality and attractiveness. Individuals who share similar attitudes will have less conflict in their relationships and more opportunity to validate their own opinions. Compatibility is valued in a relationship especially when we feel threatened or insecure. Knowing your personality type can help you to improve communication and interpersonal relationships. Understanding your personality strengths and weaknesses can also guide you to a career that will suit you better professionally or to a more compatible partner.

Personality types

There are several assessment tools utilized to identify different personality types. An Enneagram is a diagnostic tool to determine an individual’s emotional outlook on life.  It can also enlighten you on how other people see the world differently. The Enneagram theory believes people do not change from one personality type to another. Your personality doesn’t change after early childhood but change will occur as you understand your inner strengths and weaknesses that you’ve always had. The test identifies 9 personality types: reformer, helper, achiever, individual, investigator, loyalist, enthusiast, challenger and peacemaker.

Myers-Briggs is another personality inventory based on Carl Jung’s theory (1920’s) of psychological types. The test was developed by Isabel Briggs Meyers (1940’s) and states there are 16 different personality combinations. An individual is either extraverted or introverted, sensing or intuition, thinking or feeling, judging or perceiving. There are no superior personality types.

A less scientific approach is the Ice Cream Theory by author Steff Deschenes who compares people preferences to ice cream flavors. She states that personality preferences can change with age, experiences and mood. She believes that we explore the exotic flavors when feeling adventurous to more comforting flavors when seeking solace. Some flavors like personalities are acquired tastes and others will always be our childhood favorite.

Compatibility

The studies are unsure of the role of personality when choosing a partner but all agree that it is a natural selection that ensures successful reproduction. A person is usually attracted to someone in their own socio-economic group, same level of intelligence and physical appearance. Sometimes you will fall in love with someone who will never return that emotion due to their own mindset and chemistry. Overtime relationships will move from physical attraction to the deeper emotional intimacy of commitment and trust.

The more you know about your partner and work to understand their behaviors the stronger your relationship will become. It’s recommended that a couple date a minimum of one year before they consider marriage. Pre-marital counseling can be an impartial way to assess a couple’s compatibility by discussing individual values, philosophy of child rearing, enjoyment of leisure activities and expectations of sharing a life. It is also important to discuss how the couple resolve’s conflict and manages their differences. Relationship skills can always be improved and that can help any two personalities discover how to get along better.  

 

Stepparenting

The new stepparent has a difficult and sensitive role in the blended family. Although the myth of the wicked stepparent is found in our nursery stories…..it does portray the negative light given to this family member. Sometimes this individual is blamed for the separation of the biological parents or simply not welcome regardless of the contributions he or she makes to the family. As a result the relationship between the stepparent and the child is often stormy and can become one of the greatest obstacles to the new marriage. Many times the continued conflict causes enormous tension between the couple and the eventual break-up of the relationship.

Accepting differences

As in any family the relationship between the husband and wife should still be your first priority. The marriage must be strong to endure the continuous pressure of the blended family. The couple must never forget that they are on the same team so that the children or outside influences don’t create conflict between them.

Expecting the children to immediately bond in the new family system isn’t realistic. It will take time for them to accept the new family roles and expectations. The stepparent will need to build a relationship of trust as will the children from the different family systems. This blending of the family process will take patience and will depend on the amount of time that the children spend at the stepparent’s home. The stepparent must understand the he or she is an additional parent figure…..not a replacement in the child’s life.

Blending the family

Children perceive change differently and may also worry about loyalty issues concerning the biological parents. To help with the transition of co-parenting both biological parents must work together to discipline and guide the children. The biological parent should take the lead role when discipline is needed and the stepparent will then support their rules and boundaries. If the stepparent initiates the discipline the conflict concerns will usually escalate. Parents need to be united in this area and discuss any disagreements privately. Giving the child power in this situation will put a wedge between the couple and communication will shut down.

The stepparent shouldn’t expect an instant love bond to evolve…..relationships take time. This process can even take years but with patience and a positive attitude you can experience success. The blended family should make an intentional effort to create a new family together. You can plan a family night of movies or games, trips and other activities that will build new memories.

 During this time of bonding as a family it will be important to spend time alone together as a couple on a regular basis. A couple should spend a minimum of four hours a week to remain emotionally connected.  This will keep your relationship and intimacy a priority as you work to unite the families.