Obesity and Marriage

Obesity can trigger depression, distorted body image and low self-esteem…….which are all mental-health problems that can be detrimental to a relationship. A distorted body image can make a person go to great lengths to hide her body from their partner or feel uncomfortable being sexual. The low self-esteem will cause a person to suffer with constant worry and look for reassurance. Weight is a sensitive issue that can easily strain or spell the end of any relationship when mishandled but many people can’t keep their weight at a healthy level.

Excessive weight

There are various challenges that come with weight gain……shopping for clothes for the overweight partner that is flattering, the unwanted stares that come with being in public with an obese partner, and the body odor that develops when hygiene becomes difficult. Being overweight creates other health concerns like high blood pressure, heart problems, cholesterol and blood clots.

Women that are overweight find it difficult to conceive. Fat produces oestrogen in the body and this extra fat disturbs the normal balance of the body which eventually affects fertility. Obese men report a higher rate of erectile dysfunction. For both genders being obese may result in muscular or skeletal problems that make having intimacy challenging. Obese people are a higher risk for diabetes, depression and urinary stress incontinence….all of which can lead to sex-related problems. The ramifications are endless to the individual that struggles with obesity.

Complacent in the relationship

Various studies have shown that many individuals get complacent after marriage because they no longer feel the need to look their best to attract a partner. In a few short years of getting married those individuals are twice as likely to become obese as those people who are just dating. This finding wasn’t limited to married people but also those couples who live together. “With women we saw incremental risk after one year,” reported Penny Gordon-Larsen nutrition epidemiologists at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill who conducted the study. “The longer she lived with a romantic partner, the more likely she was to keep putting on weight. The risk of obesity with males….married or unmarried increased only between the first and second years living together.”

Scientists have known for awhile that having a close relationship with an obese person whether friend or spouse makes you more likely to become obese. Studies continue to support that if one spouse engages in weight loss the other spouse will also lose about five pounds. Increasing the amount of physical activity in a daily routine can help burn off fat.

The older we become the more difficult it is to lose weight. Finding a hobby or physical activity that you can enjoy together while you are getting your exercise can be a win/win. Couples don’t have to live chubbily ever after……..

Parent Tips for Teen Dating

Dating during the teen years helps to promote healthy development among adolescents. Learning the skills of dating is also a time of social experimentation for them. Parents and teens may feel awkward or uncomfortable as they discuss the rules and expectations in this new situation but this should not keep parents from discussing sexual boundaries, curfews, and respect of their date. This time of development for the teen can be an opportunity to teach your adolescent how to date, have respect for each other and protect themselves from emotional and physical hurt.

Teen dating

A new study from the University of Texas was published in the June 2011 issue of Journal of Youth and Adolescence reports that teens who have a girlfriend or boyfriend are less likely to engage in delinquent or dangerous behaviors compared to teens without a partner. This was due to less time spent at parties where dangerous behaviors might occur. Teens in relationships also displayed more confidence, were self assured and less likely to subcome to peer pressure. The study also found family environmental factors, rather than intelligence were a more important influence on teenage sexual activity.

Parent guidelines

Dating during adolescence poses problems and challenges for personal growth. Understanding this impact can help parents dialogue openly about their concerns which will benefit families in this time of growth. Parents should be a good role model in their own relationships displaying how to compromise, advocate for yourself assertively but with respect to your partner. Parents should also try and meet the parents of the significant other to discuss dating guidelines and communicate often to make sure activities are supervised.

When the teen begins to date a parent should encourage double dating or going out with a group. The age difference should not be more than a couple of year’s difference between the two teens. This should help with the concern of being pressured into premature sexual activity. The U.S. Attorney General reports that 38% of date rape victims are girls between the age of 14 and 17. Discuss abstinence and how to say no or how to postpone sex. Educate and discuss the safe sex practices such as condoms and birth control. Practice having the teen state that “No” means no and that oral sex is sex. Parents should always look for warning signs of a change in behavior or appearance of their teen. This could mean that your teen is in compromising situation that would warrant a parent’s guidance. Keeping your teen safe even when they are resistant needs to remain a priority of parenting.

Father's Demand Equal Parental Rights With Their Children

Divorce is a fact of life in today’s culture. Every year 1.25 million marriages end in divorce and two-thirds of those are initiated by women. This will leave over 1 million children under 18 years old to cope with the new experience of joint custody. Divorce is no longer the end of a relationship….it’s a restructuring of a continuing relationship.

Restructure of the family

Divorcees learn quickly that leaving your partner doesn’t mean that you stop dealing with the former spouse as the child’s mother or father. The assumption has been that once the property has been divided, the children allocated to a household that each parent would then be autonomous. This thinking evolved out of the divorce court of family law in the 1960’s and 1970’s.

Divorce has changed over the last 40 years. Adults have realized that marriage is dissoluble but parenthood is not. Fatherhood has become the major battle in family court. Fathers that have experienced separation from their children began to rethink their priorities. They are now demanding greater involvement in their children’s lives. Fathers no longer have to wonder what is happening with their children as his involvement is not hindered by the court or the mother.

Joint custody

The illusion of personal autonomy after divorce is just that. People can make fresh starts with a new partner but you can’t disconnect from the former relationship with children involved. Parenting is an enduring connection that outlasts the severance of the adult relationship. Both parents must constantly examine their actions to assure the needs and interests of the child are addressed first.

As the guidelines to your joint custody are established it will be important to remember that you child didn’t ask to be divorced from either parent. Each parent must make a reasonable effort to see that visitation takes place with a minimum of tension. If both parents work to remain flexible and discuss parenting concerns that arise then the discord can be minimal.

Joint custody works to alleviate the inequalities of the traditional custodial routine. This arrangement of shared custody demands a great deal from the former married partners. They have to move past the pain of a failed marriage and make cooperative parenting work.

Stepparenting

The new stepparent has a difficult and sensitive role in the blended family. Although the myth of the wicked stepparent is found in our nursery stories…..it does portray the negative light given to this family member. Sometimes this individual is blamed for the separation of the biological parents or simply not welcome regardless of the contributions he or she makes to the family. As a result the relationship between the stepparent and the child is often stormy and can become one of the greatest obstacles to the new marriage. Many times the continued conflict causes enormous tension between the couple and the eventual break-up of the relationship.

Accepting differences

As in any family the relationship between the husband and wife should still be your first priority. The marriage must be strong to endure the continuous pressure of the blended family. The couple must never forget that they are on the same team so that the children or outside influences don’t create conflict between them.

Expecting the children to immediately bond in the new family system isn’t realistic. It will take time for them to accept the new family roles and expectations. The stepparent will need to build a relationship of trust as will the children from the different family systems. This blending of the family process will take patience and will depend on the amount of time that the children spend at the stepparent’s home. The stepparent must understand the he or she is an additional parent figure…..not a replacement in the child’s life.

Blending the family

Children perceive change differently and may also worry about loyalty issues concerning the biological parents. To help with the transition of co-parenting both biological parents must work together to discipline and guide the children. The biological parent should take the lead role when discipline is needed and the stepparent will then support their rules and boundaries. If the stepparent initiates the discipline the conflict concerns will usually escalate. Parents need to be united in this area and discuss any disagreements privately. Giving the child power in this situation will put a wedge between the couple and communication will shut down.

The stepparent shouldn’t expect an instant love bond to evolve…..relationships take time. This process can even take years but with patience and a positive attitude you can experience success. The blended family should make an intentional effort to create a new family together. You can plan a family night of movies or games, trips and other activities that will build new memories.

During this time of bonding as a family it will be important to spend time alone together as a couple on a regular basis. A couple should spend a minimum of four hours a week to remain emotionally connected. This will keep your relationship and intimacy a priority as you work to unite the families.

Behaviors That Destroy Relationships

There are numerous reasons why marriages fail. The usual suspects are infidelity, finances, midlife crisis, or just growing apart that lead to the majority of divorces. There is no simple answer to the millions of break-ups that occur every year as each person will have their own unique story to tell………

Negative communication skills

Every marriage will experience unhappiness and conflict which is perfectly normal. It’s not the conflict that is the problem it’s how the disagreement is handled. Nagging is toxic communication to the marriage. Both men and women will humiliate each other until it destroys any memory of what you enjoyed together. When an individual repeatedly attacks and criticizes their partner’s personality rather than the behavior that bothers you an imbalance in the relationship develops and self-esteem is affected. This can include a verbal attack of name calling, cursing, hostile behavior and body language. Attacking your partner in this manner is disrespectful and abusive. You will usually see your partner become defensive and begin to withdraw from communicating with you. This will develop a feeling of resentment and emotional distance in your marriage. Psychologist John Gottman studied over 1,000 married couples and he reports that when these behaviors are present in a marriage there is a 94% chance that the relationship will fail.

Rebuild your relationship

Couples that are caught in a negative communication cycle will feel frustration, anger, fear, hurt, sadness, and alienation. The first step to healing is accepting responsibility for your part of the disagreement. This self examination will lead to profound growth of establishing healthy ways to communicate.

Effective communication isn’t about who is right or wrong. There are always going to be people who disagree with you, people who do things differently or situations that just don’t work out. So choose your battles wisely and decide whether you would like to be kind or right when confronted with a difference of opinion. Then try to become a better listener and don’t respond until your partner has completed their thought. Slowing down your response keeps you attentive to understanding their position instead of defending yours.

Our moods can be deceptive. When you are in a good mood life looks great. You have a more balanced perspective and communication flows easily. In a bad mood life seems unbearable and difficult. A low mood is not the time to argue or analyze your relationship. Life is never as bad as it seems when you are in a low mood. Be grateful for the good times together and graceful when times are more difficult. Try not to take your arguments too seriously as life will continue to move forward even if things don’t go according to your plan. “This too shall pass.”

Kindergarten Readiness

The concept of kindergarten derived in the 1830’s from a German teacher who believed the children needed a way to transition from home into the school environment. Kindergarten was established as a way to interact and socialize. Children today are socialized at daycare or in pre-school so kindergarten has been restructured to meet the demands of academic readiness in the cognitive and social areas of development.

Readiness to learn

School readiness means that the child has the ability to learn and cope in the school environment without experiencing undue stress. Children should be able to separate from their family and trust the adults in the school environment. They need to understand the concept of sharing and how to take turns when playing with other children. Children should also display some level of social skills in how to resolve problems and work cooperatively with their peers. They must be able to adapt to the structure of the school day and follow the instructions from their teacher.

A real assessment of readiness isn’t based on the chronological age alone. Many schools will do an assessment several weeks before school begins that involve cognitive, linguistic, motor skills and social skills. Children that enter kindergarten with limited baseline skills of reading and math are unlikely to catch up with their peers. Many will need support services that require remedial learning with the help of an aide or tutor. Children that don’t test well will have a re-evaluation three to six months later to assess if a developmental specialist or neurologist should be consulted.

Other considerations

There are many different academic settings to consider when choosing a school for your children. There are public, private, religion based, and Montessori schools. Other determining factors are class size, use of aides in the classroom, and if kindergarten is a full or half-day program. Structural considerations would be the locations of the bathroom, playground and lunchroom where interaction with older students should be limited.

There are many different developmental levels and skills found in the classroom. Teachers are working to meet the diversity, developmental needs and abilities of all children. Children learn best by doing. It allows them to learn through exploration and observation. It can also help them to follow their interests while building cognitive and creative talents. As you determine the kindergarten readiness for your children also seek an environment where they can be engaged and interested in learning for their optimal growth and development.

Financial Infidelity

Financial infidelity occurs when one spouse over spends family money, makes secret purchases or has a hidden bank account without the other partner’s knowledge. Financial and family law specialist state they see more cases of divorce caused by financial infidelity than sexual infidelity. Spouses are trained to look for the traditional “lipstick on the collar” but never consider checking on the status of their credit reports.

Signs

Keeping secrets is a violation of trust within the marriage. A recent study from the GMAC Finance Company found that one-third of the spouses from 2800 households surveyed admitted to hiding at least one purchase from their partner. The most common where clothes, hobby related items and gambling. Experts have found a correlation between addiction and financial infidelity.

Some warning signs to monitor for financial infidelity would be when your partner is resistant to discuss family finances. You may notice large purchases appear in the home without prior discussion or find bills for items you weren’t aware that had been bought. You might also discover a new credit card or line of credit with your name on it.

Create a healthy financial connection

A healthy financial connection is determined by relationship dynamics, values and expectations that have been established between the couple. It is important to discuss family norms on budget, donations and personal spending allowance. As a couple set guidelines and limits for spending money without the other partner knowing. Little lies tend to lead to bigger ones. This deception can escalate into serious debt. A spouse will conceal a debt thinking they can solve the problem before their partner becomes aware. This choice will add strain to an already troubled relationship.

The first step would be for the individual to admit to the problem. Then as a couple work together to repair the damage. A financial planner and couple’s therapist may need to be consulted to unravel the cause for this harmful deception that is in the relationship. Together establish the ground rules for how the family money is to be spent. Then clarify the expectations about lifestyle and make a budget together while paying bills. Communicate to each other about unexpected expenses that arise and how that affects your financial goals. As you create a financial plan determine what should be placed in savings each month. Then obtain a credit report yearly and set your fiscal goals each year together to maintain a healthy financial connection.