People who are divorced and lost the most important
relationship of their life will spend time thinking about what went wrong. Most
individuals think marriage is the finish line and really it’s just the next
starting line. An established couple can easily get into a rut and just drift
apart from each other. Managing your expectations of marriage and the ebb and
flow of passion in a long-term relationship should not place a higher importance to
the history and compatibility of the couple.
Routine of life
Couples feel that if the heat isn’t blazing in their bedroom
that their marriage is dull, diluted and unfulfilling. Many individuals will
leave their marriage too quickly because they are intoxicated by the “sugar
high” of a new relationship. The momentary high from being with someone new
often blinds people to the reality of what life is after divorce, especially
when children are involved.
In the book Make up, Don’t break up by Dr. Bonnie
Eiker Weil states “only 7% of people who separate end up getting back together,
the pain of rejection shatters so much trust. If the cheating spouse is deluded
by the thrill and excitement of an affair he or she may truly believe they are
no longer in love. This starts the spiral of divorce, instead of realizing that
their spouse may not be rational at this moment of time.”
Commitment -vs- Lust
Lust is an important component of a relationship as that
heart beating passion makes you feel alive but it can also make you impulsive.
Dr. Mark Banschick psychiatrist and author of The Intelligent Divorce
observes, “Lust is a binder and intimacy maker early on when you have little
else holding you together. But the muscle and bone structure of a long-term
relationship are formed by compatibility and history. You can’t replicate the
wife being there for the father’s illness, the birth of a child and the funny
moments on a Sunday morning, disappointments you’ve worked through and family
birthday parties. People will miss the history if it’s just about lust.”
There are situations when the marriage isn’t able to survive
the destruction of multiple affairs, addiction or abuse. Couples who work on
themselves and their relationship can often hurdle their current conflict and
emerge to a stable relationship to raise children and comfort each other.
That’s why it is best not to make a rash decision until you’ve explored your
options. Many couples will give up too quickly, especially during the holiday
season when emotions can be volatile at times. It is best to seek professional
help to discuss your options and determine if there is any possibility to
rebuild your relationship during the season of hope.
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