A New Year Brings New Opportunities

A New Year brings a time of reflection and also a vision of hope.  When you review your past successes and errors it can help you determine how to move forward and create the life you envision for yourself.  The possibilities are endless as long as you believe in yourself and are motivated to make the necessary changes needed.

Create the possibilities

Studies are reporting that it takes 30 days of consistency to change behavioral patterns.  This is a difficult, time consuming process for some individuals.  Novelist Arnold Bennett states “Any change, even change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts.”  So if you find change difficult to handle, you are not alone.  Change is the only constant that we have in life so it is better to learn how to use it to your advantage.

First30Days is an organization that has outlined several principles to overcome the obstacles of change.  First, change your point of view.  A positive outlook can motivate you to view the situation from different perspectives.  Recognize that you are stronger than you think and that something good will usually evolve from those challenges associated with change.  Accept the process of change, as resistance is usually wasted energy.  Remember, that negative thoughts will hinder your progress and you are the only one that can control what you think and feel.

New Year…new opportunities

Life is a gift that we may cherish or waste. If you are unhappy with your present situation take the steps to change it.  You only have control of yourself.  Do not wait for your spouse, boss, children or family to change.  It will never happen unless they decide to make the changes themselves.  What you need to realize is that your happiness lies within yourself, not upon others.  Create the life you want and the joy will follow. 

 

Down-size Your Holiday

The holiday season creates mixed emotions as we look forward to the family traditions of decorating the tree, gift exchanges, and Christmas dinner. During the preparations for these events we can make unrealistic demands on ourselves and then stress ourselves out when we can’t meet them. It can also create family conflict, strained finances, and increased indulgences of alcohol. The Journal of the American Medical Association reports that the effects of psychological stress can weaken immune function and trigger inflammation which raises the risk of autoimmune disease, coronary artery disease and depression.

Down-size your holiday

Research shows that those who can look at things from a different, lighter perspective are better able to handle higher amounts of stress. To decrease your stress have a family meeting and ask them to pick five things that they didn’t enjoy in previous holidays and give yourself permission not to do them. Then discuss with your partner how to share the additional responsibilities of decorating, gift shopping, and baking to your already frantic schedule. Sharing the responsibilities can create more balance in your relationship and it can keep you connected.

After determining what traditions are most important set a budget on how much you should spend. Put your family’s needs first and down-size from there. Gifts can be an expression of love but so can your time, affection and words of affirmation.

Enjoy your time together

Different polls report different statistics but somewhere between 60 to 80 percent will re-gift the presents they receive this year. Some people will re-gift to save money, others recycle or genuinely feel that someone else would enjoy the gift more. So don’t confuse love with the giving of gifts. Homemade gifts can be a family project. Try making your own Christmas cards this year, compile a cookbook of your family’s favorite recipes or make a coupon book for household chores. You could video tape family members doing a special talent and send it to grandparents. Challenge your creativity and set a $10.00 limit for a gift exchange or have a White Elephant gift swap. Removing the commercial pressure we feel during the holidays can leave you more time to appreciate the blessings of the holiday season.

Holiday Depression

The holiday season can be filled with parties and activities to celebrate with family and friends. For others it can be a time of sadness, loneliness and anxiety about an uncertain future and economy. During our lifetime we have all experienced melancholy feelings during the holidays with the loss of family members, divorce, arguments and the stress of over extending your budget. Holiday depression can evolve from the stress and disappointment of unrealistic expectations that were envisioned.

Holiday stress

One in ten American adults have depression that is genetically based and treated with medication. Sadness is a deep personal feeling. What makes one person sad won’t affect another person. Holiday sadness can be attributed to built-up expectations, disappointments from previous holidays, stress or fatigue from preparations, and financial worries. Headaches, excessive drinking, overeating and insomnia are some triggers to expound holiday stress. This can happen to seniors, men, women, and the sullen teenager.

Holiday preparations

In preparation for the holidays define your personal limits and stick to them. Decide what activities you would like to participate in, entertain in the home, visit relatives or travel during the holiday. Have a family meeting and discuss the options available to you. There is no one correct way to celebrate the season.

There are many options to relieve the stress and scale back the celebration. Decorate your home with the favorite traditional items or ones that hold the most memories for your family. Then create a budget and determine what you can spend for each person on your list and make no exceptions that would put you over your limit. Planning your holiday meal should be put in your expenses also.

If your family complains about the downsizing of the holiday explore the opportunities in helping others. There are several ideas that you and your family could choose from such as volunteering at the food bank, buying a gift for the Angel tree, or visiting seniors at nursing homes. Your family could attend church services and musical concerts that can replenish the holiday spirit when you feel overwhelmed. Making time to take care of yourself is also a gift because you will then have the energy to do for others. Determine what positive changes can be made this year so that you and your family are blessed with a happy and healthy holiday.   

 

 

Blending Families

Research has found that it takes at least four years for a stepfamily to blend and longer if the children are older.  There is no magic time table for success but children will adjust better to a blended family if there are positive attitudes about the adjustments everyone is experiencing.  Families won’t bond immediately and you will have to determine ways to merge different routines, rules and personalities.   

Steps to blending 

It is normal for children to be unsure about their relationship with a new step-parent.  When building relationships try to start with just eating as a family, watch a program together, walk the family pet or attend an activity together.  Try to take it slow and learn the interest and personalities of the children.  Blending families can also be an introduction of new cultures, religions, and hobbies.  Communicating those differences can also help the family bond as they learn more about each other.  

We can’t assume that over time, children will naturally adjust to their new roles and relationships that arise when families are blended.  A new parent figure can increase stress in young people because their relationships tend to be more conflict ridden.  Problems also arise when teens feel they have to compete for parental attention. Social Science research reports that boys living with half or step-siblings have the most difficulty adjusting to the blended family.  Teenagers in families with different biological parents have been reported to have lower grades and more behavior problems than other adolescents.  These problems may not improve over time.  

Work together

The biological parents must work together and co-parent the children as they strive to blend the new family systems. If the discord in your blended family escalates then seek insight from a counselor or your church pastor on ways to resolve the conflict. Set a time to have family meetings to discuss concerns and options available to resolve them. This will help the children realize that a blended family can also give them more people in their lives that care about them.

 

 

 

 

Face Your Fears

With Halloween just a few days away some children may be displaying more fear than usual. Why are we are afraid of the dark or that little spider? Daniel Pin a researcher from the National Institute of Mental Health states, “There is a strong relationship between age and the types of fears that people report in different cultures. This tells us that there is something fundamental about the development as it relates to fear.”

Fear

Science defines fear as a complex factor which involves genetics and experiences. These fears relate to changes in the brain. A toddler will display a fear of strangers or a fear of being separated from their parents. As the child grows and develops they may have a fear of certain animals, thunderstorms or a new environment. An adolescent will have a fear of rejection from their peers or individual they would like to date. They may avoid new social experiences for a fear of seeming awkward or making a mistake in front of their peers. As we evolve into an adult we could fear the possibility that we won’t meet our personal goals or what we envision our life should be.

Facing our fears

Seeing family members in a costume or mask can be very frightening to a child. Parents can help alleviate this fear by helping their child face them. Fears will abate by exposure. Facing your fears in a way that doesn’t overwhelm your senses would be a beginning step. First reason with your child and discuss why people wear costumes. Explain that costumes are pretend and part of the make believe of Halloween. Then show them there is a real person behind the mask. Give the child a mask to play with while looking at their self in the mirror. This will help your child to begin understanding the concept that the real person is still there behind the costume. A parent should explain this fear to the other children and adults in the home so they understand the dilemma and not escalate the concern with additional pranks or teasing. Even a sudden “BOO” can be devastating for a child learning to cope with their fear.

Parents can also help their child by having them become involved in the festivities of your family traditions. You could have them draw the face of the jack-o-lantern or decorate the cookies with candy corn. The child could play dress up with different costumes and use face paint instead of a mask. If your child doesn’t want to “Trick-or-Treat” let them dress up but stay home and hand out the treats for others. Parents should stay close by their child in case there is a need to reassure him or her. This will help to transition their feelings of fear into fun.

 

An Emotional Affair

Emotional intimacy is the most powerful bond in human relationships…..much stronger than sexual. A new type of infidelity has increased over the last decade and is one of the biggest threats to marriage….emotional affairs. You can have an affair without having sex. Sometimes the greatest betrayal happens without touching. Infidelity is considered to be any emotional or sexual intimacy that violates trust with your mate.

Sliding across boundaries

Affairs can happen in good marriages. They are less about love and more about sliding across professional boundaries into the personal area of your life. Today’s workplace has become the new danger zone of opportunities for emotional affairs which has only been surpassed by the internet. As these circumstances for intimate relationships increase, the boundaries between platonic and romantic feelings blur and become easier to cross.

When you discuss what your marriage lacks to a colleague of the opposite sex you are sending a loud message that you’re available for someone else to love and care for your needs. This behavior is also a breach of the trust that you share in your relationship. Discussing intimate concerns outside the marriage will create a false sense of intimacy that states your happiness is valued by this person.

Comparing another person against your partner will also create a dangerous negative thinking pattern. This can make you begin to daydream about this individual who seems to understand you. You will find yourself looking forward to seeing them, sharing personal news and imagining their excitement when you are together. This euphoric feeling will release dopamine in the reward centers of your brain which will also reinforce the illusion that this person relates to you like nobody else.

Not “just friends”

Individuals involved in an emotional affair will let their negative thinking patterns blame the mate for their unhappiness. A sense of entitlement evolves and resentment will build and push you from your spouse. As a result you will begin to pull away and make excuses to avoid joining activities with your partner.

Secrecy can then become another warning sign as it creates an unhealthy bond that gives a false sense of emotional safety. If your partner tries to interfere with the “friendship”, anger is directed at the invasion and your mood becomes more irritable or unhappy.

There will come a time in the alliance when one or both parties will fantasize about having a loving sexual relationship with each other. This discussion will add intensity to the desire. Not heeding the warning signs and finding time to spend alone together will push the bond from platonic to sexual. Healing your marriage after an affair is a very difficult process. It is best to be aware of the warning signs and understand that a friendship with the opposite gender can evolve to more.

 

Personality and Attraction

Psychologists define personality as a “collection of emotional, thought and behavioral patterns unique to a person that is consistent over time.” People tend to like others who seem similar to their own characteristics of attitude, belief, personality and attractiveness. Individuals who share similar attitudes will have less conflict in their relationships and more opportunity to validate their own opinions. Compatibility is valued in a relationship especially when we feel threatened or insecure. Knowing your personality type can help you to improve communication and interpersonal relationships. Understanding your personality strengths and weaknesses can also guide you to a career that will suit you better professionally or to a more compatible partner.

Personality types

There are several assessment tools utilized to identify different personality types. An Enneagram is a diagnostic tool to determine an individual’s emotional outlook on life.  It can also enlighten you on how other people see the world differently. The Enneagram theory believes people do not change from one personality type to another. Your personality doesn’t change after early childhood but change will occur as you understand your inner strengths and weaknesses that you’ve always had. The test identifies 9 personality types: reformer, helper, achiever, individual, investigator, loyalist, enthusiast, challenger and peacemaker.

Myers-Briggs is another personality inventory based on Carl Jung’s theory (1920’s) of psychological types. The test was developed by Isabel Briggs Meyers (1940’s) and states there are 16 different personality combinations. An individual is either extraverted or introverted, sensing or intuition, thinking or feeling, judging or perceiving. There are no superior personality types.

A less scientific approach is the Ice Cream Theory by author Steff Deschenes who compares people preferences to ice cream flavors. She states that personality preferences can change with age, experiences and mood. She believes that we explore the exotic flavors when feeling adventurous to more comforting flavors when seeking solace. Some flavors like personalities are acquired tastes and others will always be our childhood favorite.

Compatibility

The studies are unsure of the role of personality when choosing a partner but all agree that it is a natural selection that ensures successful reproduction. A person is usually attracted to someone in their own socio-economic group, same level of intelligence and physical appearance. Sometimes you will fall in love with someone who will never return that emotion due to their own mindset and chemistry. Overtime relationships will move from physical attraction to the deeper emotional intimacy of commitment and trust.

The more you know about your partner and work to understand their behaviors the stronger your relationship will become. It’s recommended that a couple date a minimum of one year before they consider marriage. Pre-marital counseling can be an impartial way to assess a couple’s compatibility by discussing individual values, philosophy of child rearing, enjoyment of leisure activities and expectations of sharing a life. It is also important to discuss how the couple resolve’s conflict and manages their differences. Relationship skills can always be improved and that can help any two personalities discover how to get along better.  

 

Stepparenting

The new stepparent has a difficult and sensitive role in the blended family. Although the myth of the wicked stepparent is found in our nursery stories…..it does portray the negative light given to this family member. Sometimes this individual is blamed for the separation of the biological parents or simply not welcome regardless of the contributions he or she makes to the family. As a result the relationship between the stepparent and the child is often stormy and can become one of the greatest obstacles to the new marriage. Many times the continued conflict causes enormous tension between the couple and the eventual break-up of the relationship.

Accepting differences

As in any family the relationship between the husband and wife should still be your first priority. The marriage must be strong to endure the continuous pressure of the blended family. The couple must never forget that they are on the same team so that the children or outside influences don’t create conflict between them.

Expecting the children to immediately bond in the new family system isn’t realistic. It will take time for them to accept the new family roles and expectations. The stepparent will need to build a relationship of trust as will the children from the different family systems. This blending of the family process will take patience and will depend on the amount of time that the children spend at the stepparent’s home. The stepparent must understand the he or she is an additional parent figure…..not a replacement in the child’s life.

Blending the family

Children perceive change differently and may also worry about loyalty issues concerning the biological parents. To help with the transition of co-parenting both biological parents must work together to discipline and guide the children. The biological parent should take the lead role when discipline is needed and the stepparent will then support their rules and boundaries. If the stepparent initiates the discipline the conflict concerns will usually escalate. Parents need to be united in this area and discuss any disagreements privately. Giving the child power in this situation will put a wedge between the couple and communication will shut down.

The stepparent shouldn’t expect an instant love bond to evolve…..relationships take time. This process can even take years but with patience and a positive attitude you can experience success. The blended family should make an intentional effort to create a new family together. You can plan a family night of movies or games, trips and other activities that will build new memories.

 During this time of bonding as a family it will be important to spend time alone together as a couple on a regular basis. A couple should spend a minimum of four hours a week to remain emotionally connected.  This will keep your relationship and intimacy a priority as you work to unite the families.

  

Teen Drivers

AAA auto has released some alarming statistics on teen drivers in the United States. The report states in 2003 teenagers accounted for 10 percent of the population but were involved in 13 percent of the motor vehicle fatalities. One fourth of those teens that were fifteen to twenty years old were in speed related crashes. If the teen had a group of friends in the car with them it increased the risk of being involved in a fatal crash 1.5 times.

Role models

The teenager that is learning the skills of driving is exposed to many role models during this learning process. Research continues to report that parents are the greatest influence to violations of speeding, tailgating and running red lights. These behaviors are usually monitored subconsciously but are mimicked when the young driver is learning. Teaching the teen the rules to safe driving will mold them into safer drivers.

It is recommended that a parent spend 100 hours driving with their teenager in all types of weather conditions. Parents should emphasize the importance that all individuals riding in the car must wear their seat belt.  Federal crash data shows that more than two-thirds of teen occupants killed in crashes didn’t wear their seat belt. The use of cell phones is another important dialogue to have with your teen as this distraction and friends who ride with them is a factor in 25 to 50 percent of all automobile accidents.

Milestone

Learning to drive is an important milestone in the life of a teenager and their parents. They have displayed the maturity to drive themselves to school activities, jobs and doctor appointments. It can become difficult for parents to set boundaries with their teenager on driving privileges and the consequences when they are abused. Parents should consider writing a teen-parent driving agreement to establish boundaries for when the teen is driving unsupervised. This could include rules for driving at night, inclement weather, and how many passengers are allowed in the car at one time. Consequences for violating the agreement would be a loss of driving time from weeks to months depending on the severity of the infraction.

Establishing guidelines with your teen driver will keep them protected. Knowing that your teen understands what to do if they are in an accident or pulled over for a violation can make parents less anxious. Reviewing the rules for teens to call their parents if their plans change or they are running late can also help build trust in the relationship. These guidelines can be a starting point for parents and teens to discuss that driving is a privilege that is earned.  

Healthy Relationship Boundaries

Healthy boundaries in an intimate relationship can help you feel calm, centered and focused. They can promote a comfortable interdependence in the relationship that encourages productive communication, trust and a healthy self-image. You can detect an unhealthy relationship if you feel you are in a constant state of feeling resentful and unappreciated when you are with that person. Unhealthy boundaries are usually taught from your family of origin and advance during childhood through unmet developmental needs. This will leave an individual without a strong sense of self. Your sense of self helps communicate your needs and desires while allowing you to appreciate the strengths in others.

Communicating boundaries

Establishing clear boundaries will help you to define yourself in relation to others. It’s like an imaginary fence that surrounds you. Boundaries set limits in relationships, set expectations, and define roles and rules that help you to adapt to different situations.

There are several different boundaries that should be considered when establishing a relationship. Your physical boundaries will communicate who, how and when you may be touched. Emotional boundaries will define how others treat you, whether your feelings are being respected and how you treat others. The intellectual boundaries will display your access to knowledge, learning and how others will interact with you. All three areas should be established when developing new relationships.

Assertive communication

Healthy boundaries display respect for each other and lead to equality in the relationship. Communicating your thoughts assertively displays a healthy sense of self-respect and will give you peace of mind. When addressing the concern or boundary violation, schedule a time with the individual when there will be limited distractions. You should begin the conversation by stating the concern and why you felt the incident was disrespectful to you. State your viewpoint with an "I statement" so you avoid placing blame or accusations. Then wait for the response. The reply you receive will help you to determine if the relationship is healthy or worth trying to salvage.  

Healthy relationships have strong flexible boundaries that allow sense of self to flourish and are respected by their family and peers. It will help you to understand each other’s values while allowing you to remain an individual within the relationship. If you feel guilty or “victimized” in your relationships work on refining assertive skills. There is no way that you can please everyone. If you know you have difficulty establishing healthy boundaries seek a professional for help.

 

 

Healing From Infedility

 

There are few events in life that can create as much turmoil in a marriage as infidelity. It shatters trust, creates insecurity and resentment between couples. Infidelity isn’t clearly defined as it can vary between couples and partners in a relationship. What is tolerable for one partner is unacceptable to another. Recent statistics report that 60% of husbands and 40% of wives will have an affair at some point in their relationship. Less than 10 % of those individuals who have an affair will divorce and marry their lover.

The affair

When the affair is discovered it will trigger a range of powerful emotions for both partners…..shock, rage, shame, depression, guilt, and remorse. These emotions can be cycled off and on throughout the day. One minute you will want to end the marriage and the next you will vow to save it.

As painful and destructive as infidelity is family therapists will say that the wound can be healed. It is a treatable crisis for the betrayed and betrayer. No matter how bleak the situation if the couple is motivated to heal they can repair the relationship and emerge stronger. 

There is no “quick fix” to repair the damage done by unfaithfulness. The process can take years to handle the disappointments and delusions that can create setbacks. Michele Weiner-David author of The Divorce Remedy believes the couple must be brutally honest with one another. The unfaithful must talk about the affair as often as the partner requires. They need to know why the affair occurred so that it doesn’t happen again. The truth of the event is the first step to rebuilding the relationship.

Moving forward

If an individual strays outside the committed relationship you must discuss the changes needed to prevent reoccurrence. The unfaithful partner must express genuine remorse and act trustworthy to declare that he/she can be faithful. The betrayed must verbalize what it will take to heal. The betrayer must provide the reassurance that they are committed to healing the relationship.

It will be important to give each other space when emotions are running high. Take your time to process the details of the affair and not make any irrational decisions. Take responsibility for your choices and end the affair immediately. If both individuals are committed to rebuild the marriage seek help from a licensed counselor who is trained in marital therapy. Counseling can help the couple be objective and clarify their feelings while getting a neutral perspective of the concerns.

Not every marriage affected by infidelity can or should be saved. Sometimes too much damage has been done. If the couple chooses to rebuild the relationship you will need professional help on this healing journey. Infidelity is never forgotten but can be forgiven as the memory fades and the trust and intimacy grows.  

 

Building Trust in Your Relationship

Mutual trust is a shared belief that you can depend on each other to achieve a common goal or purpose.  It is the expectancy that people can rely on your word.  Building relationships requires building trust. Sex and relationship expert Ian Kerner PhD recently completed a survey with 2,000 women. The survey reported that 44% of wives admitted that they had trust issues and 77% were jealous if their husband had a close female friend. This causes 53% of wives to check their husband’s email and phone messages.

 Unable to trust

We resist trusting others based on previous experiences of being hurt or disappointed. Trust is a critical element of a healthy relationship to families, teams, organizations, and communities.  Motivational speaker Mike Robbins states, “We put up barriers to keep ourselves safe, but that usually leaves us guarded, leery and insecure, unable to easily create meaningful and fulfilling relationships with people.” No matter how guarded you are in your relationships you can still run the risk of getting hurt. 

People that don’t learn to trust will struggle with low self-esteem, worry and fear. Not trusting people can trigger a defensive reaction in relationships which will keep emotional distance present. Some individuals are never able to move past a broken heart or willing to self-disclose their personal history which creates intimacy in a relationship.  There are others who have experienced abuse and should utilize counseling for support as they take the steps of learning how to trust again.

Taking the steps

There will be situations where family, friends or co-workers will hurt you or let you down. This will happen because humans are not perfect and expectations may be set too high in the relationship. Begin building trust by observing behaviors of different individuals and look for people who treat others with kindness and respect. Ease into the relationship slowly and meet for lunch or coffee. Then take note if the person talks about others. If the conversation dominates toward gossip the individual will most likely not keep confidences that are shared.

A study from Ohio State University Marilynn Brewer PhD professor of Psychology states “Americans are willing to trust others at first until they are proved wrong. Men look for symbolic connections that you get from belonging to the same group, rather than personal connections that women prefer.” With the relationships in your life attempt to consciously grant trust to create a connection of cooperation and collaboration. Expect the best from people in a genuine healthy way. Find a balance between the openness needed and your personal well-being as you determine how intimate to become in the relationship.  Trust frays when there are lies that erode and challenge intimacy. Psychiatrist Frank Pittman wisely reminds us that it is not “whom you lie with. It’s whom you lie to.”

 

 

The Challenge of Adolescent Behavior

Parents that are raising a teenager will confirm that this age can be the most challenging developmental stage for children. When adolescents transition into puberty they will test boundaries with their parents while they experiment with their expanding independence. Teenagers experiencing familial duress, struggling at school with academics or social skills are a higher risk in developing mental health concerns during this developmental stage. The most notable symptoms displayed are anger, aggression, and irritability. Teens may also seem emotionally detached or display a fear or inability to connect with others. There is usually a decline in their academic performance and a disinterest in school activities.

Mental Health

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) report that suicide is the 3^rd leading cause of death for adolescents 15 years old to young adults 24 years old. A teen may experience depression if they are struggling with unresolved grief due to the death of a loved one, loss of a relationship, their hopes or dreams, abandonment or experienced a traumatic event. There are also biological factors to consider as genetics, chemical imbalances, or a head injury can create depression. Research reports that 3% to 8 % of children have some form of mental health concerns.

Parents that are concerned with the severity of symptoms they are observing in their child should seek help from a mental health professional. Contact your insurance company or primary care physician for a mental health referral. They will discuss the options available to provide the support necessary for your child and family. Options that are available are individual, group and family therapy, medication management or a combination of them can be utilized.

Create a Support System

To help protect the physical safety and the mental well being of your child, parents must create a united dyad for their teen. Establish rules that are clearly defined and sensible so that they are enforced consistently. Monitor their computer usage, text messages and other popular websites like Facebook or Twitter. Create time to listen and talk to your teen so that you can be aware of the daily stressors that are encountered each day.

Research states that the pressure to use tobacco, alcohol, and illegal drugs come from wanting to be accepted, belong or noticed. If your child has difficulty making friends invite their peers over to study or play video games. Offer to give their friends a ride home so that you can get to know them. Try not to judge their choice of friends until you’ve had the opportunity to spend time with them. Join social clubs or programs that are available to your teen. Adolescents that participate in school, community and faith based activities are less likely to become involved in using cigarettes, alcohol, or illegal drugs.

Children who have both parents involved with their care will perform better at school, have higher self-esteem and fewer delinquent behaviors. They will also be successful when pursuing higher levels of education to create economic stability for themselves as an adult. Children learn their social skills and how to deal with the stress in their lives by listening and watching their role models. As adults we should all work to set a good example for children to follow.

 

Brain Health

As the longevity of our life span continues to increase, maintaining our cognitive health has become more important for the quality of life we want to enjoy.  Research has found that our brain continues to build cells at any age. Learning new skills such as a language, knitting, dancing or even how to change the oil of your car can help protect the brain from developing Alzheimer’s or dementia. Physical activity is also important to maintain a healthy brain as 25% of the blood from each heart beat is utilized by the brain.

The brain

Dr. Paul Nussbaum clinical neuropsychologist who specializes in aging across the lifespan and brain health states, “Our identity, our hopes, our emotions, everything we love comes from this amazing organ that weighs between two and four pounds, the greatest miracle ever designed.” Dr. Nussbaum has developed several games that challenge the cognition and determine what areas of the brain may need more stimulation to maintain cognitive health.

Research from Current Biology reports that the working memory training that they have established with mice seems to have increased their intelligence. They trained mice on a task that exercised working memory and attention. The mice displayed improvement on general cognitive function when compared to mice with no training. This experiment has proven that the brain is highly adaptable and can be improved with training. They are hoping that further research will give them more insight on how to help the Alzheimer’s patient.

Brain Care

The brain needs to be stimulated with socialization, learning, appropriate nutrition, physical and sexual activity. The brain should be fed a steady diet of foods with Omega-3 fatty acids and high in anti-oxidants such as blueberries and spinach. This nutrition will keep the brain processing at a rapid speed. High levels of stress can be harmful to the brain. Practicing meditation, Yoga, and visualization are all excellent ways to learn how to manage stress levels. Reducing stress and stress hormones in your system is critical to the care of your brain.

Oliver Sacks MD professor of neurology and psychiatry at Columbia University Medical Center believes music can be very healing for the brain. In his book Musicophilia he explores the mystery of the human mind and interaction with music.  “Music can animate people with Parkinson’s disease who couldn’t otherwise move, give words to stroke patients who can’t otherwise speak and calm and organize people who memories are ravaged by Alzheimer’s,” states Dr. Sacks. Music has been found to work when medication is ineffective because it engages so many parts of the brain. Keeping your brain healthy can be part of your daily lifestyle as you work to balance the needs of mind, body and spirit.

 

 

 

 

Honor the Women in Your Life

Every spring we celebrate Mother’s Day to honor the special women in our lives. It is an annual event to acknowledge the woman or memory of women who nurtured us into adulthood. The traditional gifts are usually given of flowers, cards, candy and homemade crafts in celebration of the day. Mother’s Day shouldn’t be exclusive to those women who raised or gave birth to a child. It should extend to honor all women past and present who have contributed to our lives.

Reflection

This Mother’s Day try to spend some time thinking of the women who have touched your life as a teacher or mentor. She may have been in your family or someone who just exposed you to the passion you now experience in your career. This woman gave a part of herself so that you will carry and share that knowledge into future generations. Taking the time to let that special person know how significant she made you feel is something that any woman would treasure. 

Celebrate women

Women today have many roles to fulfill in the family as wife, mother, sister, aunt, granddaughter or grandmother. They have worked hard to break through previous stereotypes and cultural restrictions to pursue any career they chose. This journey has been a struggle for many women who are mothers, due to feelings of guilt or inadequacy as they learned to balance their varied responsibilities in these roles.

No matter how many trials or struggles you’ve experienced in your life journey, you can still celebrate or honor women who have nurtured you. Celebrate their life by planting a tree or inviting them over for dinner with your family. Share your accomplishments and let her know how she contributed to your success. Donate money to her favorite charity or just take the time to call and let her know that she made a difference in your life. Sharing that important fact with her will make Mother’s Day feel very special indeed.

 

Teaching Children How to Cope With Failure

In a society where winning is everything…..failure is looked upon as losing. Failing at something can also be very discouraging. Many people who encounter failure will give up easily. The more failures that a person encounters the less willing they are, to try again. When a person fails their self-esteem is attacked and their feelings of defeat can overwhelm the confidence to persevere. At some point during our life journey, failure is unavoidable despite our best efforts. 

Opportunities

 The educational process of your child isn’t just about grades. It’s a time of learning about yourself…..your strengths and weaknesses. You learn about your character, morals, and values that are important to you and how you face the challenges of life. Failure is unavoidable yet very few parents take the time to help their children understand the process of learning from defeat. It’s an opportunity to build on what was learned from the downfall so that the next time they are faced with the situation they have a chance at being more successful.

We all want our children to win but teaching them how to cope with setbacks are just as important. The more opportunities children pursue to learn new skills, the more encounters of defeat they will have in the beginning. There is a learning curve to every new experience. The more a skill is practiced, the better we become at it. Parents should lead their children by example on how to move forward after encountering an obstacle. There are many ways to achieve the goal and a multitude of ways to get there.

Patience

Failures are unavoidable……despite our best efforts it is part of the learning process. Patience is the key to success. You must have patience with yourself and patience with those who are working to achieve their goal. It doesn’t matter how many tries it took to accomplish the goal. The important thing to remember is how you finish and what you experienced from the journey to get there.

First give your children time to process the disappointment. Then praise them for their good effort and the strengths they conveyed while trying. Listen attentively while they express their pain without criticizing. They will need your emotional support and comfort during this time. When they are ready encourage them to try again and analyze what went wrong so they can improve next time. With your love and support you can help your children turn defeat into confidence.

The Lessons of Divorce

The death of a relationship, no matter how long it lasted, is always intense and difficult. When you process the obstacles that were faced, it is important that both parties accept their part in the discord that has led to the separation. During this time it would help to create a support system that will provide you emotional support. Then allow yourself the time to heal and grieve the loss. This will help you to accept the situation and visualize a new beginning.

Divorce

Society refers to divorce as a “failed marriage”. Many marriages have ended emotionally prior to the filing of divorce paperwork. These marriages weren’t failures if you are able to retain what was learned or enjoyed from the relationship when it was healthy. In the course of life things happen to people that cause them to change. Sometimes those events cause relationships to end. That doesn’t mean the relationship failed when it was no longer viable. The marriage was successful for the years the couple was happy and together.

Move forward

Many couples facing divorce will concentrate on who to blame for the cause of the divorce. It really doesn’t matter whose fault it is. You are still facing the reality that the relationship is over and the question of how to move forward. Obsessing about the loss and filling your life with anger will only hinder your progress in healing. Focus on yourself. Your new life is a work in progress.

Acknowledge that you need to heal from this experience before seeking a new partner. Then find the courage to be proactive and resolve the details to finalize the divorce. This will allow you to accept that the relationship is over so that you can look forward to the premise of a new beginning. Try seeking fulfillment in other ways by finding employment that engages your skills and improves your marketability. This will eventually improve your income and financial stability. Make time in your life for the fun things that you like to do. Relish the freedom that you now have over your own schedule. Focus on the positive and stay healthy by eating right and exercising. Make this a part of your daily lifestyle. The best option you have is to live well while enjoying life.

 

Marriage with an ADHD Spouse

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) affects approximately 5% of the adult population. They will cope with various degrees of distractibility, disorganization, impulsivity and a lack of emotional control that can cause problems in all areas of their lives. The ADHD adult can think of several things at a time, have racing thoughts, become easily bored intermingled with a fear of failing. With these challenges to cope with the ADHD spouse can feel frustrated, unheard and unloved in the marriage.

ADHD brain

Dr. Russell Barkley clinical professor of Psychiatry at Medical University of South Carolina and author of Charge of Adult ADHD states, “The ADHD spouse is not following through on promises and often isn’t able to understand the needs of others. It’s a torrent of one-way conversations for the non-ADHD spouse. It feels like they’re raising a kid.”

Dr. Ned Hallowell who is the author of eighteen books and founder of Hallowell Centers in New York said, “Their brain is like a toddler on a picnic. It goes where curiosity and enchantment lead it with no regard to authority or danger.” Brain chemistry of the ADHD is highly inheritable. It will either under produce or not process dopamine in the attention and reward center of the brain. People with ADHD have a reduction of dopamine so things can get pretty boring for them very quickly. “Dopamine not only increases reward value but also the powers of inhibition,” Dr. Hallowell explained. The lack of inhibitions in the ADHD adult can add to the frustration and embarrassment of partners and their family members.

Treatment

About 80% of adults benefit from stimulant medication that will help to alleviate symptoms. Psychotherapy and Behavior Modification can help couples educate themselves on the on ADHD to improve their relationship. Support groups can also be helpful in coping with the stress of an ADHD relationship.

 

To keep the relationship strong try to depersonalize the behaviors that creates the emotional distance. Define two major areas of concern that you disagree on and focus on ways to solve those problems. Learn ways to remind your partner about appointments or chores to do without nagging them. You could suggest that they organize their day by typing appointments into their cell phone, write sticky notes or refer to a daily check list.  Try to support and encourage them without trying to change them. You love the person. It is the behaviors that you need changed.

 

Returning to the Dating Scene

Entering the dating scene after being absent for several years can be an intimidating experience. There is now speed dating, online dating and dating consultants that all promise to help the “singleton” find the perfect partner. Dating has become a social science experiment into human behavior and mate selection.  A study from Northwestern University found that men are quicker to like women regarding perceived attractiveness, chemistry and willingness to meet a second time. Surveys taken found that both sexes expected men to exhibit a more assertive approach to initiate a romantic relationship.  Women were counted on to signal the “where” and “when” through eye contact, smiles and hair flips.

Beginning again

Online dating has become a dominate way to meet a potential partner. Google research states that 14% of people who meet online will get married but only 40% of those marriages will last. Also a startling 40% of people listed on dating sites are already married and have families. Even though 33% of all conversations online lead to a date you don’t know if the person has created an honest profile about themselves.

When single parents begin dating they will have other factors to consider when exposing their children to this new experience. The first thing a parent should do is honestly discuss with their child that they are ready to start dating again. Answer any questions they may have with an age-appropriate response.  Delay any introductions to your children until you believe the relationship is ready to move to a more committed level. This can happen after a minimum of eight dates when you have spent time together in a variety of environments. You want to be very sure the person really cares for you and that you seem to share the same life goals. Children will protest if they believe the dating partner is a threat to their time with you.  Listen to their concerns and give them time to adjust to the changes in the relationship.

Be emotionally healthy

Before you start dating again make sure you have healed from the previous relationship.  Research states you should allow approximately 6 months for every 5 years you were together.  Both genders need to think “safety first” and not reveal personal information online until you have had an opportunity to determine if the profile is accurate.  Warning signs to monitor would be if the potential date is unwilling to exchange phone numbers, calls irregularly and reveals zero details about their family or friends.  Schedule to meet your date in a public place, with a friend present if possible and be wary if they ask for any money. This is inappropriate for any reason. Dating again can be an exciting time to rediscover romance if you are cautious while getting to know each other.

 

'Facebook Depression'

Research is now reporting that one in five children go on-line ten or more times a day to interact on the multiple social media‘s available through the current technology today. The impersonal nature of this communication has enabled bullying to escalate, detrimentally effect student academic performance and initiate eating disorders for many tweens. “Facebook Depression” is said to arise from failure to integrate into this social networking world that has become the core of children’s lives.

Social Media

Younger children that are involved in social media have created a new spectrum of developmental questions that science has not yet explored. The American Association of Pediatrics (AAP) is encouraging parents to “face the core issues of bullying, popularity status, social anxiety, risk taking and sexual development” that children are exposed to on these websites. Doctors are also asking that parents understand the current technologies utilized, so they can relate to their children’s on-line world. “A large part of this generation’s social and emotional development is occurring while on the internet and  cell phones,” said Dr. Gwenn O’Keeffe pediatrician and co-author of the AAP report on social media guidelines.

Research indicates that excessive internet use is associated with depression. Clarification is still needed to determine whether depressed people are drawn to the internet or if the internet causes depression. Children with poor self-esteem are likely to feel sad if they don’t measure up to their friends tallies, status updates and photos of happy-looking people. “Facebook Depression” symptoms are similar to clinical depression with children displaying irregular sleep patterns, changes in eating habits, mood swings and social isolation from family or friends.

Positive aspects

Monitored appropriately, social media’s can be utilized to build communication and the technical skills needed in today’s society. Technology is a great way for parents to facilitate communication, nurture entertainment interests and engage in educational curiosity with their children. Teach children to protect their privacy and reputation while using the internet. Let them know you’re their ally if subjected to cyber bullying. Finding the appropriate balance in your life will be the key for success.

 Most adults realize that the most valuable friendships have been developed face-to-face rather than over a computer keyboard. Families should unplug at times when technology isn’t needed like at meal time, family events or riding in the car together. That way you can truly engage in conversation while sharing the highlights of your day. This connection can teach children the value of real friendship and family support by making time for each other daily.

 

 

 

Simple Acts of Kindness Can Revitalize Your Relationship

Creating a healthy relationship with someone else starts with knowing yourself.  Your attitude is the key to understanding yourself and the world you live in.  It’s up to you to make the mental shift from a negative to positive perspective which allows you to see the possibilities in your life.  ‘Life isn’t about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.’

Positive Communication

Sara Blakeslee of Marriage and Family Therapy Institute said “You should be in touch with your emotional side and be able to communicate those feelings in a constructive manner.”  Most people are looking for a trustworthy companion who they can spend time with and have fun with.  Sometimes the small, daily challenges in a relationship can have you focusing on the problems instead of the positive aspects of your relationship.  Blakeslee’s new book, 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great, gives simple steps on how to enhance your marriage or relationship.  “Expect less, get more; give incentives and rewards; have daily briefings; implement change; and keep costs low, benefits high.”     Another suggestion the book states is to build communication with the use of “affective affirmation” or speaking nice and affirming words to your spouse.  This positive interchange will initiate the necessary alteration that can transform a relationship instantly.

Be thoughtful

Simple acts of kindness can rekindle feelings of love, respect and admiration in a relationship.  “It’s not about the elaborate trips or expensive dinners,” motivational speaker Jay Forte explains. “Rather life becomes an event when you pay attention to the details that show you care.”  Celebrate your relationship this week by recreating your first date, pull out old photos to recall fun memories or dance to music from your dating years.  Surprise your partner with filling their car up with gas, unloading the dishwasher or purchasing a book by their favorite author.  These thoughtful gestures let your partner know you are thinking about them and display the behaviors that say, “I love you.”