Life After Loss

The death of a loved one is life altering.  The transition from wife to widow, husband to widower can be a very difficult time. As in any loss, the death of a spouse brings feelings of depression, erratic moods, disrupted sleep and obsessive thoughts about the deceased.  This can be happening while being overwhelmed with questions and urgent decisions that need to be made.

Five stages of grief

Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross (1969) introduced the “Five Stages of Grief”. People can experience these stages during any major life change such as loss of job, health, relationship, pet or financial stability. The individual and family will progress through the stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance in their own way. There is no specific way to grieve. Each person will experience grief based on their religion, cultural, social and personal beliefs. Their personal relationship with the deceased person will also impact the bereavement.

The survivor must give themselves permission to grieve. Postponing your time to mourn will only delay and compound your grief reaction. Your reaction to the death from unexpected or anticipated circumstances can make you experience a wide range of emotions from shock, numbness, pain to anger. Grieving is full of ups and downs like a roller coaster. Special events like a wedding, birth, or holiday can trigger a strong emotional response, but difficult times will becomes less intense and shorter as time goes by.

Build a support system

It’s important not to grieve alone. Use the support of family and friends. Draw comfort from the faith you practice. Join a support group or speak with an experienced counselor.  Suppressing your grief can lead to depression, anxiety, substance abuse and other health concerns. Grief can affect your health so maintain your self-care with the appropriate rest, proper nutrition, regular exercise and physical check-up with your doctor.

You will have good and bad days with moments of joy or happiness. Life has a way of throwing moments our way that can wake us to the possibilities of a better tomorrow. If you need support during your time of bereavement contact a counselor, pastor or one of the supports listed for the help you may need.

Organizations for the bereaved:

Bereaved Parents of the USA

Compassionate Friends

Mothers Against Drunk Driving

The National Hospice Organization

The Widowed Persons Service

Healthy Arguments

Whenever we hear of another relationship that breaks up we speculate on the reason why. Unfortunately there are many reasons that can contribute to the failure with infidelity, finances, midlife crisis or just growing apart from each other. There is no simple answer to this painful experience and everyone will have their own unique story to tell.

Warning signs

Couples can get stuck in abusive communication patterns that hurt and distance them from each other. Research shows that women will bring up issues of conflict 80% of the time that their partner will want to ignore. If it is important to one, it’s important to the marriage. Avoidance of the concern will only cause resentment and the pressure will build until the argument loses perspective or why it even began.

Psychologist John Gottman did a study with 1,000 couples and found that criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling was found in 94% of failed relationships. Most males would indentify this communication pattern as “nagging”. Everyone will use these defensive tools at sometime but repeated patterns will cause your partner to feel anger, fear, hurt, sadness and alienation.

Healthy argument

Discussing small differences is important to do before they become a major issue in the relationship. A recent survey found that 44% of married couples believe that arguing once a week help to keep communication open. William Dougherty a professor of Family Social Science at the University of Minnesota states, “What the studies have shown is that it’s not so much whether couples get angry but how they handle it. There’s a difference between good fighting and bad fighting. Constructive conflict can put a spark in a relationship. Love needs a spark every now and then.”

Arguments can be an opportunity to discover what issues are important to the individual. It’s a way to reach the person and let them know you value them and want to be supportive. Healthy arguments can also be a way to model conflict resolution for your children. If you are yelling and cussing at each other you are displaying contempt and disrespect. Issues that are discussed and resolved appropriately can display how to compromise and move forward with the agreement.

Rebuild the Relationship

It is important when discussing different viewpoints to utilize “I statements”. This will keep you from engaging in blame when expressing your perspective. With every negative concern that is addressed make an effort to state five positive compliments about your relationship together. Then schedule your alone time together each week and give each other an intimate kiss and hug every day to remain emotionally connected. Finally separate the problem from the person. It’s the problem you’re upset about. If you feel stuck in a negative pattern seek counseling to learn health ways to communicate your concerns.  

Why Men and Women are Unfaithful

A study done by Helen Fisher PhD a biological anthropologist and author found that 56% of men and 34% of women who have had affairs were happy in their marriages.  Fisher found that men were more likely motivated by sex and less likely to fall in love. In comparison women who had affairs were considering leaving their marriage.

Reasons for being unfaithful

Experts say that most often men and women have different reasons for being unfaithful. Men will stray in their relationships for sexual intimacy or attention. Women will risk fidelity to fill an emotional void or because they are lonely in their marriage. Research completed by the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) reports that 15% of wives have had sex outside their marriage but 35% have had an emotional affair with kissing. They also found 25% of men have had an affair with 45% had kissing with emotional attachment.

If you believe your partner is having an affair it is important to address concerns of infidelity early……even if you have no clear proof. Whether or not it happened the couple has work to do on their communication and trust. When a couple lacks these important traits in their relationship it can be more damaging to a marriage than sexual infidelity itself.

Correct the problem

There are many factors to consider when determining the success of a relationship such as age, education level, income, religious beliefs and relationship satisfaction. The majority of married couples that file for divorce site the reason as incompatible or unable to communicate. Unmarried couples will more often part due to infidelity. 

There are signs that emerge if a partner is having an affair. They will change how they look or become more meticulous in their appearance. The individual may start to give more gifts due to the guilt they feel for being unfaithful. You may notice that your partner is criticizing you more and trying to start an argument. This can release the individual from blame that the relationship failed or they can state you were the one at fault.

The best way to heal a relationship is to seek help together in couple’s therapy to build trust. Individual therapy could build a wall of secrecy and privacy which could lead to further alienation in the strained relationship. There is no time line in how long it will take to repair a relationship. The betrayed person should set the timetable for recovery. While the person who was unfaithful will be eager to put the past behind them he/she needs to honor the other person’s need to take it slow and heal from the betrayal. Only then can you correct the issues that initiated the affair and move forward in the relationship.

Being Optimistic During Difficult Times

Life will give us many challenges throughout our lifetime. Ever situation that is faced will have two polar perspectives by the optimist and pessimist. The pessimist has the tendency to stress the negative and focus on the gloomiest possible outcome. While the optimist will remain hopeful, expecting a more positive result. Studies have consistently found that optimistic thinking protects against depression and other emotional problems like substance abuse. Maintaining a positive attitude will create a resiliency that can protect you regardless of the level of stress you are experiencing.

Optimist

The majority of Americans believe that happiness is attainable and work daily to reach that goal. With a positive attitude you will see opportunity in every situation no matter how many obstacles are presented. Research reports that the optimist has a different thinking pattern when faced with challenges. The optimist tends to focus on the facts to determine alternative ways to resolve the situation. They will appear hopeful even in situations that are non-negotiable or when there is no immediate resolution to the circumstances.

Everyone has the power to choose what they want to focus on. Many times the thinking process is clouded by fear and the possibilities of what may occur. Anytime fear is allowed to enter your emotions it will affect your judgment and natural abilities. Fear is attached to potential outcomes before they ever occur. You will not find fear in the present situations. It is only found in your thoughts of future outcome. So when you focus on the present and the current task you can remain positive about any dilemma you encounter. 

Temporary setbacks

Life will present daily challenges that will test your optimistic attitude. You won’t be successful all the time. However if you are willing to accept the challenge, you can learn from the information that your mistakes have taught you. You can be more astute in assessing your options to change the situation into a positive perspective or accept them for what they are if you are unable to control the issue. You can focus on the present and the task at hand. Look at all perspectives presented. Then reflect on what is important to you and how to build on that. Affirm your strengths and the accomplishments that you have made. That will empower you to overcome any hardship or obstacle you face to be successful and happy.

When you seem unable to find anything positive in your life and appear sad, irritable and hopeless you should seek professional help to determine what services may be helpful. If you don’t have insurance there are several community resources available that offer a sliding scale fee. Take the steps that you need to have the quality of life you desire.

“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” Winston Churchill

A New Year Brings New Opportunities

A New Year brings a time of reflection and also a vision of hope.  When you review your past successes and errors it can help you determine how to move forward and create the life you envision for yourself.  The possibilities are endless as long as you believe in yourself and are motivated to make the necessary changes needed.

Create the possibilities

Studies are reporting that it takes 30 days of consistency to change behavioral patterns.  This is a difficult, time consuming process for some individuals.  Novelist Arnold Bennett states “Any change, even change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts.”  So if you find change difficult to handle, you are not alone.  Change is the only constant that we have in life so it is better to learn how to use it to your advantage.

First30Days is an organization that has outlined several principles to overcome the obstacles of change.  First, change your point of view.  A positive outlook can motivate you to view the situation from different perspectives.  Recognize that you are stronger than you think and that something good will usually evolve from those challenges associated with change.  Accept the process of change, as resistance is usually wasted energy.  Remember, that negative thoughts will hinder your progress and you are the only one that can control what you think and feel.

New Year…new opportunities

Life is a gift that we may cherish or waste. If you are unhappy with your present situation take the steps to change it.  You only have control of yourself.  Do not wait for your spouse, boss, children or family to change.  It will never happen unless they decide to make the changes themselves.  What you need to realize is that your happiness lies within yourself, not upon others.  Create the life you want and the joy will follow. 

 

Down-size Your Holiday

The holiday season creates mixed emotions as we look forward to the family traditions of decorating the tree, gift exchanges, and Christmas dinner. During the preparations for these events we can make unrealistic demands on ourselves and then stress ourselves out when we can’t meet them. It can also create family conflict, strained finances, and increased indulgences of alcohol. The Journal of the American Medical Association reports that the effects of psychological stress can weaken immune function and trigger inflammation which raises the risk of autoimmune disease, coronary artery disease and depression.

Down-size your holiday

Research shows that those who can look at things from a different, lighter perspective are better able to handle higher amounts of stress. To decrease your stress have a family meeting and ask them to pick five things that they didn’t enjoy in previous holidays and give yourself permission not to do them. Then discuss with your partner how to share the additional responsibilities of decorating, gift shopping, and baking to your already frantic schedule. Sharing the responsibilities can create more balance in your relationship and it can keep you connected.

After determining what traditions are most important set a budget on how much you should spend. Put your family’s needs first and down-size from there. Gifts can be an expression of love but so can your time, affection and words of affirmation.

Enjoy your time together

Different polls report different statistics but somewhere between 60 to 80 percent will re-gift the presents they receive this year. Some people will re-gift to save money, others recycle or genuinely feel that someone else would enjoy the gift more. So don’t confuse love with the giving of gifts. Homemade gifts can be a family project. Try making your own Christmas cards this year, compile a cookbook of your family’s favorite recipes or make a coupon book for household chores. You could video tape family members doing a special talent and send it to grandparents. Challenge your creativity and set a $10.00 limit for a gift exchange or have a White Elephant gift swap. Removing the commercial pressure we feel during the holidays can leave you more time to appreciate the blessings of the holiday season.

Holiday Depression

The holiday season can be filled with parties and activities to celebrate with family and friends. For others it can be a time of sadness, loneliness and anxiety about an uncertain future and economy. During our lifetime we have all experienced melancholy feelings during the holidays with the loss of family members, divorce, arguments and the stress of over extending your budget. Holiday depression can evolve from the stress and disappointment of unrealistic expectations that were envisioned.

Holiday stress

One in ten American adults have depression that is genetically based and treated with medication. Sadness is a deep personal feeling. What makes one person sad won’t affect another person. Holiday sadness can be attributed to built-up expectations, disappointments from previous holidays, stress or fatigue from preparations, and financial worries. Headaches, excessive drinking, overeating and insomnia are some triggers to expound holiday stress. This can happen to seniors, men, women, and the sullen teenager.

Holiday preparations

In preparation for the holidays define your personal limits and stick to them. Decide what activities you would like to participate in, entertain in the home, visit relatives or travel during the holiday. Have a family meeting and discuss the options available to you. There is no one correct way to celebrate the season.

There are many options to relieve the stress and scale back the celebration. Decorate your home with the favorite traditional items or ones that hold the most memories for your family. Then create a budget and determine what you can spend for each person on your list and make no exceptions that would put you over your limit. Planning your holiday meal should be put in your expenses also.

If your family complains about the downsizing of the holiday explore the opportunities in helping others. There are several ideas that you and your family could choose from such as volunteering at the food bank, buying a gift for the Angel tree, or visiting seniors at nursing homes. Your family could attend church services and musical concerts that can replenish the holiday spirit when you feel overwhelmed. Making time to take care of yourself is also a gift because you will then have the energy to do for others. Determine what positive changes can be made this year so that you and your family are blessed with a happy and healthy holiday.