Relationship repair

When your relationship is struggling it’s important to be a participant to resolve the problem and not expect it to fix itself. Robert Sternberg (1990) created the Triangular Theory of Love that discusses the three important building blocks to a relationship. He states that every relationship must have passion, intimacy and commitment. Intimacy is the feeling of closeness that exists between two people. Passion will produce the romance, physical attraction and intercourse for the relationship. Commitment is defined as the conscious decision a couple makes to take the loving relationship further.

Honest dialogue

After being a couple for awhile the passion can disappear. This can create more of a companionate love which can lead to dissolution of the relationship because the commitment is no longer there. If you are feeling an emotional distance from your partner try not to assume or jump to a conclusion of what may be wrong. Pick a time when both of you are relaxed and won’t be distracted or interrupted to discuss the concern. When processing the issue try to be an attentive listener and respond without attacking your partner or engaging in the “blame game”. This can be done by opening the conversation with the positive aspects of the relationship. Then state the concern that you have. Dialogue and restate what you heard to make sure you received the information correctly. Close the conversation with the positive steps that were determined on how to progress forward from the situation.

Moving forward

Repairing a relationship takes time. Once the problem has been identified it is important to create a plan on how to resolve the concern and move forward. A partner should look for opportunities to help without being asked. This displays a commitment to the relationship and states that you are dependable and supportive. Encourage your partner when facing trials. Just listening to their challenges and being emotionally supportive can make a big difference. Learn to respect your partner and each other’s opinion. Finally, acknowledge and accept that there will be times in your relationship to “agree to disagree.”

With Halloween just a few days away some children may be displaying more fear than usual. Why are we are afraid of the dark or that little spider? Daniel Pin a researcher from the National Institute of Mental Health states, “There is a strong relationship between age and the types of fears that people report in different cultures. This tells us that there is something fundamental about the development as it relates to fear.”

Fear

Science defines fear as a complex factor which involves genetics and experiences. These fears relate to changes in the brain. A toddler will display a fear of strangers or a fear of being separated from their parents. As the child grows and develops they may have a fear of certain animals, thunderstorms or a new environment. An adolescent will have a fear of rejection from their peers or individual they would like to date. They may avoid new social experiences for a fear of seeming awkward or making a mistake in front of their peers. As we evolve into an adult we could fear the possibility that we won’t meet our personal goals or what we envision our life should be.

Facing our fears

Seeing family members in a costume or mask can be very frightening to a child. Parents can help alleviate this fear by helping their child face them. Fears will abate by exposure. Facing your fears in a way that doesn’t overwhelm your senses would be a beginning step. First reason with your child and discuss why people wear costumes. Explain that costumes are pretend and part of the make believe of Halloween. Then show them there is a real person behind the mask. Give the child a mask to play with while looking at their self in the mirror. This will help your child to begin understanding the concept that the real person is still there behind the costume. A parent should explain this fear to the other children and adults in the home so they understand the dilemma and not escalate the concern with additional pranks or teasing. Even a sudden “BOO” can be devastating for a child learning to cope with their fear.

Parents can also help their child by having them become involved in the festivities of your family traditions. You could have them draw the face of the jack-o-lantern or decorate the cookies with candy corn. The child could play dress up with different costumes and use face paint instead of a mask. If your child doesn’t want to “Trick-or-Treat” let them dress up but stay home and hand out the treats for others. Parents should stay close by their child in case there is a need to reassure her. This will help to transition their feelings of fear into fun.

Love of money effects marriage

It’s not uncommon for couples to encounter marital stress over their finances. Money related issues have the potential to drive many committed relationships to the edge of divorce. The most obvious concern is the conflict of not having enough money for the current financial responsibilities that must be met. In today’s culture most people equate their financial security to status and success. Many people will attach their self-worth to the number of possessions that they have.

Love of money

Researcher Jason Carroll a professor of family life at Brigham Young University reported in their new research that materialists have more dissatisfaction with their marriage than couples who don’t care about possessions. This held true among all socioeconomic levels. The least satisfying marriages were those where both spouses cared strongly about material goods. “We thought it would be the incongruent or unmatched pattern that would be most problematic, where one’s a saver and one’s a spender,” Carroll told Live Science. “Our study found that it’s the couple where both spouses have high levels of materialism that struggle the most.” Previous research has also confirmed that people who are materialistic are also more anxious, depressed and insecure than others who are not materialistic. Individuals who valued money more also had trouble at home since there was no balance between their work and personal life.

Balance the budget

One out of five couples have admitted to a strong love of money. Human being’s desire connection and material items can create distance in a relationship. Couples that have been married for 20 years or more have made time for each other and really care about their relationship. If you have concerns about your finances, talk to your partner about your future as a family. Then together set responsible financial steps to attain that vision together. Realize that this will be a long term commitment and not a goal that will be instantly gratified.

It will be important to listen to each other, compromise and put a plan into action. If you have any credit card debt or payday loans they should be a priority to pay off. The short and long term goals of savings, retirement, college funds, and vacation can all be obtained with collaborative planning. If you hit an impasse consult with a marriage counselor, coach or mediator. Your marriage is also an investment to your future.

Generation Y the Boomerang Kids

The “Boomerang Generation” is a word created by the media to describe the current generation of young adults (18-35) who live at home and are not financially independent. They are the sons and daughters of the Baby Boomer generation that have moved back home to live for multiple reasons. This pattern appears to be cyclical and determined by economic conditions. Monsters’ 2009 Annual Entry Level Job Outlook reports 40% of graduates are living with their parents and 42% from 2006.

Economic trend

The Census Bureau recently released data reporting that 70% of singles ages 20-29 lived with their parents in the 1940’s. From the 1940’s our country began to recover from the Depression to a more financial independent lifestyle that the Baby Boomers enjoyed. Our economy peaked and then regressed due to the economic downturn. Steven Ruggles history professor at the University of Minnesota states, “Real wages for young people reached their peak in 1973. They were more independent because they could afford it.”

Michael Rosenfeld a social demographer at Stanford University and author of The Age of Independence reports that 39% of single women and 46% of single men 20-29 lived with a parent in 2005. Both specialist agree that there is a historical increase in “boomerang kids” but it’s small scale in comparison to statistics from the depression.

Renegotiate the relationship

Adult children are reporting several reasons for moving back into their childhood home. The number one concern is financial debt due to the economic reasons that were related to layoffs, loss of job, no insurance, expired unemployment benefits, early widowhood, divorce, major health concerns and substance abuse. Each situation seems to be unique and complex.

Before parents allow their adult child to return home they should renegotiate their relationship, roles and establish new boundaries. First determine what constructive support is needed so that you don’t enable them to continue behaviors that are self-destructive or situations that created the problem. Next establish a financial plan together that may lower their standard of living but can create long-term financial freedom for them. Also, research the opportunities that are available to return to college and retrain. Finally, contact all state programs that might be able to provide financial support during this interim.

Parents need to dialogue openly about expectations of living at home. Adult children should be willing to contribute to household chores and have a timeline on how long they will need the help. Establish a cost for rent or a household bill they are able to pay. Helping the adult child should not interrupt or burden a parent’s financial planning for their own retirement. If the adult child is unwilling to follow the guidelines you have established you may need to seek professional help on what options are available to you. There should be a balance in helping yourself and helping others that you love.

Parental stress with children of ADHD

Parenting can be stressful at times for everyone. Parents of children with ADHD may experience greater stress because of the additional challenges they face. Children with ADHD are known to disregard parental requests, commands and rules. They fight with their siblings, disturb neighbors and have frequent negative encounters with school authority. These challenges can often make parents feel less competent. It can also increase marital discord. Research has indicated that parents of children with ADHD are almost twice as likely to divorce by the time their child is eight years old.

Parents of children with ADHD

Parents of children with ADHD face higher divorce rates, stress level and feel less competent as a parent. With state budget cuts that have decreased services for children needing additional school resources this has increased the stress levels for the child, parents and school staff. During the school year these stressors increase as parents are faced with the challenge of getting homework completed, turned in on time and maintaining their other responsibilities in the home on a daily basis.

A recent study published in the Journal of Family Psychology states parents of children with ADHD are especially sensitive to the behaviors of their child which takes a personal emotional toll on their own well-being. Candice Odgers a study researcher and psychologist at the University of California said, “If you think about what it’s like to parent a child with ADHD, it requires a constant vigilance, and a high level of energy. This is important because we know that stress and the burden of caregiving in general are associated with a whole host of problems, mental health and physical problems.”

Family environment

Up to 5% of children and adults in the United States have ADHD, a behavioral disorder marked by impulsiveness, hyperactivity and inattention. Children with untreated ADHD are a risk for injury, substance abuse, poor school performance and emotional or social problems. Parents that have to be in a hyper vigilant state to keep their children safe feel the stress affecting the family environment.

Our children need us. They depend on us to take care of them, teach them, support them and love them. No child with or without a diagnosis can succeed to their full potential if their parents are so drained they are unable to be there for them. By not taking care of yourself, your child could be at a higher risk for more problems. Create a lifestyle for yourself and your family that prioritizes self-care with exercise, appropriate nutrition, and 8 hours of sleep. Always seek professional advice if your stress affects the quality of life you desire.

Tween Co-ed Sleepover

Relationship etiquette continues to change between boys and girls today which can leave parents wondering how to handle this important developmental learning stage. Earlier generations started with birthday parties at Chuck E Cheese that grew to slumber parties with all night games and movies. The biggest concern then was how many friends could be invited to the party. The world of the 21st century child is more complicated. Today’s tweens are requesting pizza parties with co-ed sleepovers. How should parents determine when it is the right time or age to draw the line between the genders?

Pros and Cons

There are two view points to every problem presented. The positive aspect could be that a co-ed sleepover would teach tweens appropriate conduct around the opposite sex. They would learn skills of social interaction other than just sexuality that is involved with dating. They could learn how to handle themselves with issues of privacy when changing clothes or using the bathroom. Tweens could establish boundaries in managing their own bodies and the respect of their peer’s personal space. Children that experience positive interaction between the genders will build confidence with girl and boy relationships that can enhance performance in sports, student government, clubs and class projects.

The negative perspective would be to throw children into a social situation that would deny them their childhood. To appear too casual about a co-ed sleepover could convey the message that sleeping with the opposite sex is done without commitment or sexual protection. This could lead to early sexual promiscuity and other self-destructive behaviors.

Parental decision

Modern children are exposed to sexuality at a young age due to the multitude of media exposure, songs, and books that they read. Society has rushed children into adult behaviors way before their young intellect can comprehend the dangerous issues that could present themselves. Parents are the only stop gate to protect children from perilous situations. Tony Jurich, a former president of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapist says, “Parents first have to decide if this type of party is something that fits with their idea of morality. If they decide it’s something they don’t agree with, they shouldn’t allow it. If they decide it is acceptable, they should take all aspects into consideration and set firm ground rules,” he said.

Deciding whether or not to have a co-ed sleepover comes down to the parents trusting their own ideas of morality and deciding what is best for the healthy social development of their child. Whether you are hosting the sleepover or your tween was invited to one, everyone should be in agreement. This will help to avoid the potential concerns and misunderstandings that might evolve from a controversial idea.

Cohabitation contract

Cohabitation is a living arrangement in which an unmarried couple lives together in a long-term relationship that resembles a marriage. Couples will choose to cohabit for different reasons. Usually it is to test their compatibility before committing to marriage. Some couples don’t believe marriage is necessary while gay and lesbians are prohibited to marry in some states.

The 2008 census data reports that 6.8 million opposite-sex couples are currently living together. That is an increase of 5 million couples since 2006. Traditionally the law has favored marriage since it is the basic societal unit that stabilizes the family. The concern is that when couples decide to cohabit they have none of the rights and privileges that married couples have.

Written contract

Experts recommend having a written agreement before cohabitating. Couples that choose to live together don’t receive the same protection as married couples. There is usually very little guidance given as to their rights with property ownership, responsibility with debt, custody of children, healthcare and survivorship.

Each individual should create a list outlining expectations of household responsibilities. This would involve daily responsibilities of cooking meals, doing laundry, shopping, and cleaning the home. If these responsibilities aren’t determined prior to establishing the household, conflict can evolve. These issues often create resentment in the relationship when partners feel the responsibilities aren’t shared equally.

Finances seem to involve the most consideration to the cohabitation contract. It should be specific on household expenses, debt repayment, pensions, division of property and estates if separation or death occurs. This will provide protection to both partners in the relationship.

Protection of the law

People enter relationships out of love for each other and will usually avoid discussing these pertinent concerns. Discussing your legal rights can momentarily hinder the romance in the relationship but unless your rights are documented the court will not enforce them. Openly discussing your rights in a relationship can help strengthen it if you are considerate of each other’s best interests. Contact an attorney in family law to answer any questions you may have about your legal rights involving cohabitation.