Relationship Shopping

Before dating apps were created people would meet through friends, family, at school, church or work. Now it is an online experience with a new vocabulary that feels like a marketplace full of choices. Currently, the most popular dating apps are Tinder, Bumble and Grindr which are less than ten years old. According to Pew Research Center 27% of daters between the ages of 18 and 24 have used a dating app.

Profiles

The Journal of Social and Personal Relationships interviewed online daters and discovered that half of them lied about their height, weight or bank balance. The individuals interviewed had the perception that a great relationship could be had by discovering the right profile instead of cultivated with personal connection.

Tinder reported more than 50 million users in 2014, which has created an endless supply of profiles. Many daters are “benched” before the relationship even begins. Others are given “breadcrumbs” but really have no intention of being in a committed relationship. The “catch and release” is a technique used by people who love the thrill of the chase. When you finally agree to date the person, they immediately lose interest and look for the next victim. To “ghost” is to cut a romantic partner out of one’s life, ignoring all attempts at contact and leaving the "ghosted" to figure out why they’ve been dumped.

Ghosted

Breakups are rarely easy, but ghosting doesn’t give the individual an opportunity for closure. Someone that you thought cared about you disappears without an explanation. Research suggests that impersonal strategies are favored by those who fear commitment and avoid intimacy. Some surveys report up to 80% of young daters have experienced ghosting.

There are three main attachment styles utilized in relationships and vary person to person but are categorized as secure, anxious or avoidant. The University of Kansas researchers found 20% of adults have an avoidant attachment style and tend to suppress their feelings. Avoiders gravitate to ghosting to maintain the emotional distance especially when under stress. Another 15% of the population have an anxious attachment style who tend to worry and are easily distressed by conflict. The avoiders are more likely to ghost the anxious partner who is seen as high-maintenance.

While most people expect the courtesy of a face-to-face explanation when breaking up, the reality is you may never know the reason why you’ve been dumped. Your texts have been ignored and your calls are unanswered. Dating online is a risk most people are willing to take because it is more difficult to meet people in the digital age.

An Emotional Affair

Emotional intimacy is the most powerful bond in human relationships…..much stronger than sexual. A new type of infidelity has increased over the last decade and is one of the biggest threats to marriage….emotional affairs. You can have an affair without having sex. Sometimes the greatest betrayal happens without touching. Infidelity is considered to be any emotional or sexual intimacy that violates trust with your mate.

Sliding across boundaries

Affairs can happen in good marriages. They are less about love and more about sliding across professional boundaries into the personal area of your life. Today’s workplace has become the new danger zone of opportunities for emotional affairs which has only been surpassed by the internet. As these circumstances for intimate relationships increase, the boundaries between platonic and romantic feelings blur and become easier to cross.

When you discuss what your marriage lacks to a colleague of the opposite sex you are sending a loud message that you’re available for someone else to love and care for your needs. This behavior is also a breach of the trust that you share in your relationship. Discussing intimate concerns outside the marriage will create a false sense of intimacy that states your happiness is valued by this person.

Comparing another person against your partner will also create a dangerous negative thinking pattern. This can make you begin to daydream about this individual who seems to understand you. You will find yourself looking forward to seeing them, sharing personal news and imagining their excitement when you are together. This euphoric feeling will release dopamine in the reward centers of your brain which will also reinforce the illusion that this person relates to you like nobody else.

Not “just friends”

Individuals involved in an emotional affair will let their negative thinking patterns blame the mate for their unhappiness. A sense of entitlement evolves and resentment will build and push you from your spouse. As a result you will begin to pull away and make excuses to avoid joining activities with your partner.

Secrecy can then become another warning sign as it creates an unhealthy bond that gives a false sense of emotional safety. If your partner tries to interfere with the “friendship”, anger is directed at the invasion and your mood becomes more irritable or unhappy.

There will come a time in the alliance when one or both parties will fantasize about having a loving sexual relationship with each other. This discussion will add intensity to the desire. Not heeding the warning signs and finding time to spend alone together will push the bond from platonic to sexual. Healing your marriage after an affair is a very difficult process. It is best to be aware of the warning signs and understand that a friendship with the opposite gender can evolve to more.

Kindergarten Readiness

The concept of kindergarten derived in the 1830’s from a German teacher who believed the children needed a way to transition from home into the school environment. Kindergarten was established as a way to interact and socialize. Children today are socialized at daycare or in pre-school so kindergarten has been restructured to meet the demands of academic readiness in the cognitive and social areas of development.

Readiness to learn

School readiness means that the child has the ability to learn and cope in the school environment without experiencing undue stress. Children should be able to separate from their family and trust the adults in the school environment. They need to understand the concept of sharing and how to take turns when playing with other children. Children should also display some level of social skills in how to resolve problems and work cooperatively with their peers. They must be able to adapt to the structure of the school day and follow the instructions from their teacher.

A real assessment of readiness isn’t based on the chronological age alone. Many schools will do an assessment several weeks before school begins that involve cognitive, linguistic, motor skills and social skills. Children that enter kindergarten with limited baseline skills of reading and math are unlikely to catch up with their peers. Many will need support services that require remedial learning with the help of an aide or tutor.  Children that don’t test well will have a re-evaluation three to six months later to assess if a developmental specialist or neurologist should be consulted.

Other considerations for optimal growth

There are many different academic settings to consider when choosing a school for your children. There are public, private, religion based, and Montessori schools. Other determining factors are class size, use of aides in the classroom, and if kindergarten is a full or half-day program. Structural considerations would be the locations of the bathroom, playground and lunchroom where interaction with older students should be limited.

There are many different developmental levels and skills found in the classroom. Teachers are working to meet the diversity, developmental needs and abilities of all children. Children learn best by doing. It allows them to learn through exploration and observation. It can also help them to follow their interests while building cognitive and creative talents. As you determine the kindergarten readiness for your children also seek an environment where they can be engaged and interested in learning for their optimal growth and development.

Children Attempting Suicide at a Younger Age

Suicide takes the lives of nearly 30,000 Americans each year. Many of those individuals never seek the professional care that is available to them. The 80% that do seek medical support for their depression are successful in their treatment. Federal health officials report in a 2006 study that the suicide rate among preteen and teenage girls rose to its highest level in a decade.  This statistic affects girls from ages 10-14 years of age.  The preferred method of suicide was hanging or suffocation (71%) which surpassed guns.

Suicide is the 11^th leading cause of death.  Every 15 minutes someone tries to take their own life and there are over 800,000 attempts a year. One in every 65,000 children age 10 to 14 years old will be successful with their attempt.

Suicide awareness

A study completed by the University of Washington and published in the Journal of Adolescent Health found that 883 youth ages 18 to 19 years old had attempted suicide. Researcher James Mazza said that 40% of the youth survey made their first attempt before entering high school. “The earliest age was nine, so that’s either third or fourth grade. There is a sharp increase at sixth grade, so that is age twelve. They continue to rise, with the peak being eighth to ninth grade.”

Mazza suggests parents and children need to have an open dialogue about their feelings and the pressures that they face daily. Parents and other caring adults should look for changes in youth such as talking about taking one’s life, feeling sad or hopeless about the future. Also look for changes in eating or sleeping habits and even losing the desire to take part in favorite activities.

Keep children safe

The National Center for Disease Control and Prevention is advising that health officials consider focusing on suicide prevention programs for girls 10-19 and boys between 15-19 years of age to reverse these startling statistics.  They also suggest that parents monitor or restrict children’s access to pills, weapons, or other lethal means of self-harm.

My experience has been that both genders are self-medicating with alcohol and drugs at a very young age to handle the pressure at home and school. Netflix has produced the series 13 Reasons Why that explores the suicide of a young woman and the events which led to her final decision. Parents should watch this show with their children to discuss the mental health perspective and the importance of asking for help when needed.

Another important intervention would be to stay emotionally connected to your child by being involved in their school activities, friends and academics.  You can also plan family time together or special outings together to keep your relationships strong.  Families that center their life on their faith and church have a strong foundation of love that also helps them endure the trials of life.  If you see that your child is struggling and drifting from your family system, you may want to seek professional help as an intervention.  Counseling could help your child cope with their anxiety and depression which can bring hope to the whole family. 

Make Fun a Priority in Your Marriage

When a couple marries they envision a life together with their best friend.  Unfortunately there are many issues that can complicate the relationship such as sex, money, trust, and fidelity. An article published in the Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy report that 45- 55% of women and 50-60% of men will become involved in extramarital sex at some time during their marriage. These individuals would intentionally engage in the affair with no intention of leaving their committed relationship.

Prioritize your marriage

Studies have found that the happiest married couples have learned how to prioritize having fun together. Having a busy work schedule, attending classes or keeping up with activities that your children are involved in can make this a difficult task. Make a list of activities that you would like to do together. Step out of your comfort zone and try new experiences like dance lessons, plays, concerts, or a cooking class where you can share your thoughts and ideas. Just spending time together isn’t enough to strengthen the relationship. Behavioral scientists report “New experiences activate the brain’s reward system, flooding it with dopamine and norepinephrine which are the same brain circuits that are ignited in early romantic love.” Couples that participated in “exciting” date nights reported a greater increase in marital satisfaction.

Protect your date nights from becoming a time to resolve conflicts. Agree to discuss your concerns at an alternative time like in the morning over breakfast or after completing evening chores. Dr. John Gottman’s research has found that “For every one disagreement, misunderstanding or hurt feeling, they need five positive, affectionate caring or fun interactions to counterbalance it.” Conflict is inevitable in long-term relationships but it can erode the relationship if concerns are used to control the partner or not resolved in a constructive manner.  Find the balance needed to actively listen to the concern presented without attacking each other in the process to finding a compromise.  Seek counseling when you feel stuck or unable to find a solution to the problem. Sometimes discussing the concern with a neutral party can help to get your relationship back on track and enjoying each other again

The Similarities of Anorexia and Bulimia

Anorexia and Bulimia Nervosa are both eating disorders that involve an intense fear of becoming overweight. This fear is usually triggered after being on a diet, fearful of becoming obese and a drive to be thin. Individuals at risk are preoccupied with food, weight, appearance and struggle with depression. These individuals display a more anxious personality that strives to be perfect.

Eating disorders

Individuals with eating disorders believe they weigh too much and look too heavy regardless of their actual weight or appearance. They will usually begin a diet because they are obsessed with the desire to have a perfect body. Both anorexia and bulimia can play a huge role in your mental and physical health. Both disorders can disrupt everyday lives, ruin relationships and create dysfunctional behavior. Extreme cases will affect the function of internal organs and become life threatening. When individuals engage in excessive exercise they can experience depression, fatigue and heart failure. Others will abuse diet pills or struggle with other substance abuse.

Treatment

The occurrence of eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia has increased dramatically over the past few years. Individuals that are most vulnerable suffer with low self-esteem, emotional stress, depression and feelings of guilt. They will then cope with their feelings by means of not eating or over eating. Both disorders will develop at an early stage of adulthood and individuals affected can struggle with this problem the rest of their life. It is most prevalent in cultures where food is plentiful and where thin is associated with attractiveness.

Anorexia and Bulimia Nervosa can be treated with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or CBT which is designed to change behaviors that have developed into self-destructive patterns. It focuses on modifying distorted beliefs about weight. Recovery isn’t easy but with support, intensive therapy and education there is hope. Do not be afraid to seek the help that you need to become victorious of these disorders and go on to have a full and healthy life.

Treatment Options for Adult Attention Deficit Disorder

Many adults are discovering that the symptoms they have struggled with as a child and continue to cope with has a name, Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) or ADHD Inattentive Type. Historically the diagnosis of ADD has focused predominately on children, but only 40% of children will outgrow ADD symptoms. Adults often conclude that they have ADD when their children are diagnosed and recognize that they have similar symptoms. Individuals who suspect they have ADD should see a clinician who can perform a personal interview, take a medical history, diagnose and discuss options for treatment.  

There is no known cause for ADD but heredity, genetics, and chemical imbalance are probable originating factors. Adults with ADD will have difficulty following directions, remembering information, concentrating, organizing tasks or completing tasks on time. These concerns can cause problems in their personal relationships, professional careers, academics and social interactions. Symptoms of ADD can range from mild to severe. Different medications have been shown to help adults diagnosed with ADD very quickly, but there are alternative choices to consider.

Nutrition

The consideration of some dietary changes and eating a more nutritious regime can work as an alternative treatment. There are common things that are usually overlooked in a diet but should be assessed such as food allergies, yeast overgrowth, antibiotic over use and improper diet. These concerns can be discussed with your primary care physician.

Research is finding nutritional deficiencies of fatty acids and amino acids can affect a person’s attention span. Fatty acids are essential for the healthy nervous system as they also influence brain development and the neuronal connections between the different areas of the brain. The American diet supplies the Omega 6 family of fatty acids found in corn, sunflower, canola and safflower oil, margarine, vegetable oil and shortening. Most diets lack the Omega 3 fatty acids found in salmon, mackerel and sardines. Taking a food supplement or vitamin can help with this deficiency.

Exercise and Behavioral Changes

Regular and vigorous exercise can be very helpful to the adult diagnosed with ADD. Exercise that is maintained daily can quiet the mind and release energy in a positive way. The immediate release of dopamine and norepinephrine will help to delay impulsive behaviors and allow the individual time to evaluate choices or consequences. Exercise will also elevate the mood and decrease muscle tension.

Skills training for the ADD adult can be very beneficial. The adult would learn how to organize their day by making a list of all tasks to be completed daily. This should be prioritized from the most important to the least important task. If the tasks are complex they should be broken down into steps that are listed and crossed off when completed. Carrying a notepad or putting reminders in your phone would also allow the ADD adult to list thoughts that seem to come and go quickly and notify you of any schedule changes that occurred. Setting alarms on a phone or watch can also be a great reminder to help individuals to arrive on time to appointments or meetings.

Counseling can be very helpful to address any underlying issues of self-esteem that could hinder an individual’s performance. There is also relaxation training to help with focus and the reduction of stress. A job coach or behavioral coach could mentor the individual with work performance and relationship concerns. Family therapy can benefit the ADD adult when everyone learns ways to be supportive as new skills are being learned.

There is no cure for ADD but there are several options to control the symptoms. Learning ways to adapt and focusing on individual strengths of will help the ADD adult accomplish any goal strived for.