Face Your Fears

With Halloween just a few days away some children may be displaying more fear than usual. Why are we are afraid of the dark or that little spider? Daniel Pin a researcher from the National Institute of Mental Health states, “There is a strong relationship between age and the types of fears that people report in different cultures. This tells us that there is something fundamental about the development as it relates to fear.”

Fear

Science defines fear as a complex factor which involves genetics and experiences. These fears relate to changes in the brain. A toddler will display a fear of strangers or a fear of being separated from their parents. As the child grows and develops they may have a fear of certain animals, thunderstorms or a new environment. An adolescent will have a fear of rejection from their peers or individual they would like to date. They may avoid new social experiences for a fear of seeming awkward or making a mistake in front of their peers. As we evolve into an adult we could fear the possibility that we won’t meet our personal goals or what we envision our life should be.

Facing our fears

Seeing family members in a costume or mask can be very frightening to a child. Parents can help alleviate this fear by helping their child face them. Fears will abate by exposure. Facing your fears in a way that doesn’t overwhelm your senses would be a beginning step. First reason with your child and discuss why people wear costumes. Explain that costumes are pretend and part of the make believe of Halloween. Then show them there is a real person behind the mask. Give the child a mask to play with while looking at their self in the mirror. This will help your child to begin understanding the concept that the real person is still there behind the costume. A parent should explain this fear to the other children and adults in the home so they understand the dilemma and not escalate the concern with additional pranks or teasing. Even a sudden “BOO” can be devastating for a child learning to cope with their fear.

Parents can also help their child by having them become involved in the festivities of your family traditions. You could have them draw the face of the jack-o-lantern or decorate the cookies with candy corn. The child could play dress up with different costumes and use face paint instead of a mask. If your child doesn’t want to “Trick-or-Treat” let them dress up but stay home and hand out the treats for others. Parents should stay close by their child in case there is a need to reassure him or her. This will help to transition their feelings of fear into fun.

 

An Emotional Affair

Emotional intimacy is the most powerful bond in human relationships…..much stronger than sexual. A new type of infidelity has increased over the last decade and is one of the biggest threats to marriage….emotional affairs. You can have an affair without having sex. Sometimes the greatest betrayal happens without touching. Infidelity is considered to be any emotional or sexual intimacy that violates trust with your mate.

Sliding across boundaries

Affairs can happen in good marriages. They are less about love and more about sliding across professional boundaries into the personal area of your life. Today’s workplace has become the new danger zone of opportunities for emotional affairs which has only been surpassed by the internet. As these circumstances for intimate relationships increase, the boundaries between platonic and romantic feelings blur and become easier to cross.

When you discuss what your marriage lacks to a colleague of the opposite sex you are sending a loud message that you’re available for someone else to love and care for your needs. This behavior is also a breach of the trust that you share in your relationship. Discussing intimate concerns outside the marriage will create a false sense of intimacy that states your happiness is valued by this person.

Comparing another person against your partner will also create a dangerous negative thinking pattern. This can make you begin to daydream about this individual who seems to understand you. You will find yourself looking forward to seeing them, sharing personal news and imagining their excitement when you are together. This euphoric feeling will release dopamine in the reward centers of your brain which will also reinforce the illusion that this person relates to you like nobody else.

Not “just friends”

Individuals involved in an emotional affair will let their negative thinking patterns blame the mate for their unhappiness. A sense of entitlement evolves and resentment will build and push you from your spouse. As a result you will begin to pull away and make excuses to avoid joining activities with your partner.

Secrecy can then become another warning sign as it creates an unhealthy bond that gives a false sense of emotional safety. If your partner tries to interfere with the “friendship”, anger is directed at the invasion and your mood becomes more irritable or unhappy.

There will come a time in the alliance when one or both parties will fantasize about having a loving sexual relationship with each other. This discussion will add intensity to the desire. Not heeding the warning signs and finding time to spend alone together will push the bond from platonic to sexual. Healing your marriage after an affair is a very difficult process. It is best to be aware of the warning signs and understand that a friendship with the opposite gender can evolve to more.

 

Personality and Attraction

Psychologists define personality as a “collection of emotional, thought and behavioral patterns unique to a person that is consistent over time.” People tend to like others who seem similar to their own characteristics of attitude, belief, personality and attractiveness. Individuals who share similar attitudes will have less conflict in their relationships and more opportunity to validate their own opinions. Compatibility is valued in a relationship especially when we feel threatened or insecure. Knowing your personality type can help you to improve communication and interpersonal relationships. Understanding your personality strengths and weaknesses can also guide you to a career that will suit you better professionally or to a more compatible partner.

Personality types

There are several assessment tools utilized to identify different personality types. An Enneagram is a diagnostic tool to determine an individual’s emotional outlook on life.  It can also enlighten you on how other people see the world differently. The Enneagram theory believes people do not change from one personality type to another. Your personality doesn’t change after early childhood but change will occur as you understand your inner strengths and weaknesses that you’ve always had. The test identifies 9 personality types: reformer, helper, achiever, individual, investigator, loyalist, enthusiast, challenger and peacemaker.

Myers-Briggs is another personality inventory based on Carl Jung’s theory (1920’s) of psychological types. The test was developed by Isabel Briggs Meyers (1940’s) and states there are 16 different personality combinations. An individual is either extraverted or introverted, sensing or intuition, thinking or feeling, judging or perceiving. There are no superior personality types.

A less scientific approach is the Ice Cream Theory by author Steff Deschenes who compares people preferences to ice cream flavors. She states that personality preferences can change with age, experiences and mood. She believes that we explore the exotic flavors when feeling adventurous to more comforting flavors when seeking solace. Some flavors like personalities are acquired tastes and others will always be our childhood favorite.

Compatibility

The studies are unsure of the role of personality when choosing a partner but all agree that it is a natural selection that ensures successful reproduction. A person is usually attracted to someone in their own socio-economic group, same level of intelligence and physical appearance. Sometimes you will fall in love with someone who will never return that emotion due to their own mindset and chemistry. Overtime relationships will move from physical attraction to the deeper emotional intimacy of commitment and trust.

The more you know about your partner and work to understand their behaviors the stronger your relationship will become. It’s recommended that a couple date a minimum of one year before they consider marriage. Pre-marital counseling can be an impartial way to assess a couple’s compatibility by discussing individual values, philosophy of child rearing, enjoyment of leisure activities and expectations of sharing a life. It is also important to discuss how the couple resolve’s conflict and manages their differences. Relationship skills can always be improved and that can help any two personalities discover how to get along better.  

 

Stepparenting

The new stepparent has a difficult and sensitive role in the blended family. Although the myth of the wicked stepparent is found in our nursery stories…..it does portray the negative light given to this family member. Sometimes this individual is blamed for the separation of the biological parents or simply not welcome regardless of the contributions he or she makes to the family. As a result the relationship between the stepparent and the child is often stormy and can become one of the greatest obstacles to the new marriage. Many times the continued conflict causes enormous tension between the couple and the eventual break-up of the relationship.

Accepting differences

As in any family the relationship between the husband and wife should still be your first priority. The marriage must be strong to endure the continuous pressure of the blended family. The couple must never forget that they are on the same team so that the children or outside influences don’t create conflict between them.

Expecting the children to immediately bond in the new family system isn’t realistic. It will take time for them to accept the new family roles and expectations. The stepparent will need to build a relationship of trust as will the children from the different family systems. This blending of the family process will take patience and will depend on the amount of time that the children spend at the stepparent’s home. The stepparent must understand the he or she is an additional parent figure…..not a replacement in the child’s life.

Blending the family

Children perceive change differently and may also worry about loyalty issues concerning the biological parents. To help with the transition of co-parenting both biological parents must work together to discipline and guide the children. The biological parent should take the lead role when discipline is needed and the stepparent will then support their rules and boundaries. If the stepparent initiates the discipline the conflict concerns will usually escalate. Parents need to be united in this area and discuss any disagreements privately. Giving the child power in this situation will put a wedge between the couple and communication will shut down.

The stepparent shouldn’t expect an instant love bond to evolve…..relationships take time. This process can even take years but with patience and a positive attitude you can experience success. The blended family should make an intentional effort to create a new family together. You can plan a family night of movies or games, trips and other activities that will build new memories.

 During this time of bonding as a family it will be important to spend time alone together as a couple on a regular basis. A couple should spend a minimum of four hours a week to remain emotionally connected.  This will keep your relationship and intimacy a priority as you work to unite the families.

  

Teen Drivers

AAA auto has released some alarming statistics on teen drivers in the United States. The report states in 2003 teenagers accounted for 10 percent of the population but were involved in 13 percent of the motor vehicle fatalities. One fourth of those teens that were fifteen to twenty years old were in speed related crashes. If the teen had a group of friends in the car with them it increased the risk of being involved in a fatal crash 1.5 times.

Role models

The teenager that is learning the skills of driving is exposed to many role models during this learning process. Research continues to report that parents are the greatest influence to violations of speeding, tailgating and running red lights. These behaviors are usually monitored subconsciously but are mimicked when the young driver is learning. Teaching the teen the rules to safe driving will mold them into safer drivers.

It is recommended that a parent spend 100 hours driving with their teenager in all types of weather conditions. Parents should emphasize the importance that all individuals riding in the car must wear their seat belt.  Federal crash data shows that more than two-thirds of teen occupants killed in crashes didn’t wear their seat belt. The use of cell phones is another important dialogue to have with your teen as this distraction and friends who ride with them is a factor in 25 to 50 percent of all automobile accidents.

Milestone

Learning to drive is an important milestone in the life of a teenager and their parents. They have displayed the maturity to drive themselves to school activities, jobs and doctor appointments. It can become difficult for parents to set boundaries with their teenager on driving privileges and the consequences when they are abused. Parents should consider writing a teen-parent driving agreement to establish boundaries for when the teen is driving unsupervised. This could include rules for driving at night, inclement weather, and how many passengers are allowed in the car at one time. Consequences for violating the agreement would be a loss of driving time from weeks to months depending on the severity of the infraction.

Establishing guidelines with your teen driver will keep them protected. Knowing that your teen understands what to do if they are in an accident or pulled over for a violation can make parents less anxious. Reviewing the rules for teens to call their parents if their plans change or they are running late can also help build trust in the relationship. These guidelines can be a starting point for parents and teens to discuss that driving is a privilege that is earned.  

Healthy Relationship Boundaries

Healthy boundaries in an intimate relationship can help you feel calm, centered and focused. They can promote a comfortable interdependence in the relationship that encourages productive communication, trust and a healthy self-image. You can detect an unhealthy relationship if you feel you are in a constant state of feeling resentful and unappreciated when you are with that person. Unhealthy boundaries are usually taught from your family of origin and advance during childhood through unmet developmental needs. This will leave an individual without a strong sense of self. Your sense of self helps communicate your needs and desires while allowing you to appreciate the strengths in others.

Communicating boundaries

Establishing clear boundaries will help you to define yourself in relation to others. It’s like an imaginary fence that surrounds you. Boundaries set limits in relationships, set expectations, and define roles and rules that help you to adapt to different situations.

There are several different boundaries that should be considered when establishing a relationship. Your physical boundaries will communicate who, how and when you may be touched. Emotional boundaries will define how others treat you, whether your feelings are being respected and how you treat others. The intellectual boundaries will display your access to knowledge, learning and how others will interact with you. All three areas should be established when developing new relationships.

Assertive communication

Healthy boundaries display respect for each other and lead to equality in the relationship. Communicating your thoughts assertively displays a healthy sense of self-respect and will give you peace of mind. When addressing the concern or boundary violation, schedule a time with the individual when there will be limited distractions. You should begin the conversation by stating the concern and why you felt the incident was disrespectful to you. State your viewpoint with an "I statement" so you avoid placing blame or accusations. Then wait for the response. The reply you receive will help you to determine if the relationship is healthy or worth trying to salvage.  

Healthy relationships have strong flexible boundaries that allow sense of self to flourish and are respected by their family and peers. It will help you to understand each other’s values while allowing you to remain an individual within the relationship. If you feel guilty or “victimized” in your relationships work on refining assertive skills. There is no way that you can please everyone. If you know you have difficulty establishing healthy boundaries seek a professional for help.

 

 

Healing From Infedility

 

There are few events in life that can create as much turmoil in a marriage as infidelity. It shatters trust, creates insecurity and resentment between couples. Infidelity isn’t clearly defined as it can vary between couples and partners in a relationship. What is tolerable for one partner is unacceptable to another. Recent statistics report that 60% of husbands and 40% of wives will have an affair at some point in their relationship. Less than 10 % of those individuals who have an affair will divorce and marry their lover.

The affair

When the affair is discovered it will trigger a range of powerful emotions for both partners…..shock, rage, shame, depression, guilt, and remorse. These emotions can be cycled off and on throughout the day. One minute you will want to end the marriage and the next you will vow to save it.

As painful and destructive as infidelity is family therapists will say that the wound can be healed. It is a treatable crisis for the betrayed and betrayer. No matter how bleak the situation if the couple is motivated to heal they can repair the relationship and emerge stronger. 

There is no “quick fix” to repair the damage done by unfaithfulness. The process can take years to handle the disappointments and delusions that can create setbacks. Michele Weiner-David author of The Divorce Remedy believes the couple must be brutally honest with one another. The unfaithful must talk about the affair as often as the partner requires. They need to know why the affair occurred so that it doesn’t happen again. The truth of the event is the first step to rebuilding the relationship.

Moving forward

If an individual strays outside the committed relationship you must discuss the changes needed to prevent reoccurrence. The unfaithful partner must express genuine remorse and act trustworthy to declare that he/she can be faithful. The betrayed must verbalize what it will take to heal. The betrayer must provide the reassurance that they are committed to healing the relationship.

It will be important to give each other space when emotions are running high. Take your time to process the details of the affair and not make any irrational decisions. Take responsibility for your choices and end the affair immediately. If both individuals are committed to rebuild the marriage seek help from a licensed counselor who is trained in marital therapy. Counseling can help the couple be objective and clarify their feelings while getting a neutral perspective of the concerns.

Not every marriage affected by infidelity can or should be saved. Sometimes too much damage has been done. If the couple chooses to rebuild the relationship you will need professional help on this healing journey. Infidelity is never forgotten but can be forgiven as the memory fades and the trust and intimacy grows.