Teen Drivers

AAA auto has released some alarming statistics on teen drivers in the United States. The report states in 2003 teenagers accounted for 10 percent of the population but were involved in 13 percent of the motor vehicle fatalities. One fourth of those teens that were fifteen to twenty years old were in speed related crashes. If the teen had a group of friends in the car with them it increased the risk of being involved in a fatal crash 1.5 times.

Role models

The teenager that is learning the skills of driving is exposed to many role models during this learning process. Research continues to report that parents are the greatest influence to violations of speeding, tailgating and running red lights. These behaviors are usually monitored subconsciously but are mimicked when the young driver is learning. Teaching the teen the rules to safe driving will mold them into safer drivers.

It is recommended that a parent spend 100 hours driving with their teenager in all types of weather conditions. Parents should emphasize the importance that all individuals riding in the car must wear their seat belt.  Federal crash data shows that more than two-thirds of teen occupants killed in crashes didn’t wear their seat belt. The use of cell phones is another important dialogue to have with your teen as this distraction and friends who ride with them is a factor in 25 to 50 percent of all automobile accidents.

Milestone

Learning to drive is an important milestone in the life of a teenager and their parents. They have displayed the maturity to drive themselves to school activities, jobs and doctor appointments. It can become difficult for parents to set boundaries with their teenager on driving privileges and the consequences when they are abused. Parents should consider writing a teen-parent driving agreement to establish boundaries for when the teen is driving unsupervised. This could include rules for driving at night, inclement weather, and how many passengers are allowed in the car at one time. Consequences for violating the agreement would be a loss of driving time from weeks to months depending on the severity of the infraction.

Establishing guidelines with your teen driver will keep them protected. Knowing that your teen understands what to do if they are in an accident or pulled over for a violation can make parents less anxious. Reviewing the rules for teens to call their parents if their plans change or they are running late can also help build trust in the relationship. These guidelines can be a starting point for parents and teens to discuss that driving is a privilege that is earned.  

Healthy Relationship Boundaries

Healthy boundaries in an intimate relationship can help you feel calm, centered and focused. They can promote a comfortable interdependence in the relationship that encourages productive communication, trust and a healthy self-image. You can detect an unhealthy relationship if you feel you are in a constant state of feeling resentful and unappreciated when you are with that person. Unhealthy boundaries are usually taught from your family of origin and advance during childhood through unmet developmental needs. This will leave an individual without a strong sense of self. Your sense of self helps communicate your needs and desires while allowing you to appreciate the strengths in others.

Communicating boundaries

Establishing clear boundaries will help you to define yourself in relation to others. It’s like an imaginary fence that surrounds you. Boundaries set limits in relationships, set expectations, and define roles and rules that help you to adapt to different situations.

There are several different boundaries that should be considered when establishing a relationship. Your physical boundaries will communicate who, how and when you may be touched. Emotional boundaries will define how others treat you, whether your feelings are being respected and how you treat others. The intellectual boundaries will display your access to knowledge, learning and how others will interact with you. All three areas should be established when developing new relationships.

Assertive communication

Healthy boundaries display respect for each other and lead to equality in the relationship. Communicating your thoughts assertively displays a healthy sense of self-respect and will give you peace of mind. When addressing the concern or boundary violation, schedule a time with the individual when there will be limited distractions. You should begin the conversation by stating the concern and why you felt the incident was disrespectful to you. State your viewpoint with an "I statement" so you avoid placing blame or accusations. Then wait for the response. The reply you receive will help you to determine if the relationship is healthy or worth trying to salvage.  

Healthy relationships have strong flexible boundaries that allow sense of self to flourish and are respected by their family and peers. It will help you to understand each other’s values while allowing you to remain an individual within the relationship. If you feel guilty or “victimized” in your relationships work on refining assertive skills. There is no way that you can please everyone. If you know you have difficulty establishing healthy boundaries seek a professional for help.

 

 

Healing From Infedility

 

There are few events in life that can create as much turmoil in a marriage as infidelity. It shatters trust, creates insecurity and resentment between couples. Infidelity isn’t clearly defined as it can vary between couples and partners in a relationship. What is tolerable for one partner is unacceptable to another. Recent statistics report that 60% of husbands and 40% of wives will have an affair at some point in their relationship. Less than 10 % of those individuals who have an affair will divorce and marry their lover.

The affair

When the affair is discovered it will trigger a range of powerful emotions for both partners…..shock, rage, shame, depression, guilt, and remorse. These emotions can be cycled off and on throughout the day. One minute you will want to end the marriage and the next you will vow to save it.

As painful and destructive as infidelity is family therapists will say that the wound can be healed. It is a treatable crisis for the betrayed and betrayer. No matter how bleak the situation if the couple is motivated to heal they can repair the relationship and emerge stronger. 

There is no “quick fix” to repair the damage done by unfaithfulness. The process can take years to handle the disappointments and delusions that can create setbacks. Michele Weiner-David author of The Divorce Remedy believes the couple must be brutally honest with one another. The unfaithful must talk about the affair as often as the partner requires. They need to know why the affair occurred so that it doesn’t happen again. The truth of the event is the first step to rebuilding the relationship.

Moving forward

If an individual strays outside the committed relationship you must discuss the changes needed to prevent reoccurrence. The unfaithful partner must express genuine remorse and act trustworthy to declare that he/she can be faithful. The betrayed must verbalize what it will take to heal. The betrayer must provide the reassurance that they are committed to healing the relationship.

It will be important to give each other space when emotions are running high. Take your time to process the details of the affair and not make any irrational decisions. Take responsibility for your choices and end the affair immediately. If both individuals are committed to rebuild the marriage seek help from a licensed counselor who is trained in marital therapy. Counseling can help the couple be objective and clarify their feelings while getting a neutral perspective of the concerns.

Not every marriage affected by infidelity can or should be saved. Sometimes too much damage has been done. If the couple chooses to rebuild the relationship you will need professional help on this healing journey. Infidelity is never forgotten but can be forgiven as the memory fades and the trust and intimacy grows.  

 

Building Trust in Your Relationship

Mutual trust is a shared belief that you can depend on each other to achieve a common goal or purpose.  It is the expectancy that people can rely on your word.  Building relationships requires building trust. Sex and relationship expert Ian Kerner PhD recently completed a survey with 2,000 women. The survey reported that 44% of wives admitted that they had trust issues and 77% were jealous if their husband had a close female friend. This causes 53% of wives to check their husband’s email and phone messages.

 Unable to trust

We resist trusting others based on previous experiences of being hurt or disappointed. Trust is a critical element of a healthy relationship to families, teams, organizations, and communities.  Motivational speaker Mike Robbins states, “We put up barriers to keep ourselves safe, but that usually leaves us guarded, leery and insecure, unable to easily create meaningful and fulfilling relationships with people.” No matter how guarded you are in your relationships you can still run the risk of getting hurt. 

People that don’t learn to trust will struggle with low self-esteem, worry and fear. Not trusting people can trigger a defensive reaction in relationships which will keep emotional distance present. Some individuals are never able to move past a broken heart or willing to self-disclose their personal history which creates intimacy in a relationship.  There are others who have experienced abuse and should utilize counseling for support as they take the steps of learning how to trust again.

Taking the steps

There will be situations where family, friends or co-workers will hurt you or let you down. This will happen because humans are not perfect and expectations may be set too high in the relationship. Begin building trust by observing behaviors of different individuals and look for people who treat others with kindness and respect. Ease into the relationship slowly and meet for lunch or coffee. Then take note if the person talks about others. If the conversation dominates toward gossip the individual will most likely not keep confidences that are shared.

A study from Ohio State University Marilynn Brewer PhD professor of Psychology states “Americans are willing to trust others at first until they are proved wrong. Men look for symbolic connections that you get from belonging to the same group, rather than personal connections that women prefer.” With the relationships in your life attempt to consciously grant trust to create a connection of cooperation and collaboration. Expect the best from people in a genuine healthy way. Find a balance between the openness needed and your personal well-being as you determine how intimate to become in the relationship.  Trust frays when there are lies that erode and challenge intimacy. Psychiatrist Frank Pittman wisely reminds us that it is not “whom you lie with. It’s whom you lie to.”

 

 

The Challenge of Adolescent Behavior

Parents that are raising a teenager will confirm that this age can be the most challenging developmental stage for children. When adolescents transition into puberty they will test boundaries with their parents while they experiment with their expanding independence. Teenagers experiencing familial duress, struggling at school with academics or social skills are a higher risk in developing mental health concerns during this developmental stage. The most notable symptoms displayed are anger, aggression, and irritability. Teens may also seem emotionally detached or display a fear or inability to connect with others. There is usually a decline in their academic performance and a disinterest in school activities.

Mental Health

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) report that suicide is the 3^rd leading cause of death for adolescents 15 years old to young adults 24 years old. A teen may experience depression if they are struggling with unresolved grief due to the death of a loved one, loss of a relationship, their hopes or dreams, abandonment or experienced a traumatic event. There are also biological factors to consider as genetics, chemical imbalances, or a head injury can create depression. Research reports that 3% to 8 % of children have some form of mental health concerns.

Parents that are concerned with the severity of symptoms they are observing in their child should seek help from a mental health professional. Contact your insurance company or primary care physician for a mental health referral. They will discuss the options available to provide the support necessary for your child and family. Options that are available are individual, group and family therapy, medication management or a combination of them can be utilized.

Create a Support System

To help protect the physical safety and the mental well being of your child, parents must create a united dyad for their teen. Establish rules that are clearly defined and sensible so that they are enforced consistently. Monitor their computer usage, text messages and other popular websites like Facebook or Twitter. Create time to listen and talk to your teen so that you can be aware of the daily stressors that are encountered each day.

Research states that the pressure to use tobacco, alcohol, and illegal drugs come from wanting to be accepted, belong or noticed. If your child has difficulty making friends invite their peers over to study or play video games. Offer to give their friends a ride home so that you can get to know them. Try not to judge their choice of friends until you’ve had the opportunity to spend time with them. Join social clubs or programs that are available to your teen. Adolescents that participate in school, community and faith based activities are less likely to become involved in using cigarettes, alcohol, or illegal drugs.

Children who have both parents involved with their care will perform better at school, have higher self-esteem and fewer delinquent behaviors. They will also be successful when pursuing higher levels of education to create economic stability for themselves as an adult. Children learn their social skills and how to deal with the stress in their lives by listening and watching their role models. As adults we should all work to set a good example for children to follow.

 

Brain Health

As the longevity of our life span continues to increase, maintaining our cognitive health has become more important for the quality of life we want to enjoy.  Research has found that our brain continues to build cells at any age. Learning new skills such as a language, knitting, dancing or even how to change the oil of your car can help protect the brain from developing Alzheimer’s or dementia. Physical activity is also important to maintain a healthy brain as 25% of the blood from each heart beat is utilized by the brain.

The brain

Dr. Paul Nussbaum clinical neuropsychologist who specializes in aging across the lifespan and brain health states, “Our identity, our hopes, our emotions, everything we love comes from this amazing organ that weighs between two and four pounds, the greatest miracle ever designed.” Dr. Nussbaum has developed several games that challenge the cognition and determine what areas of the brain may need more stimulation to maintain cognitive health.

Research from Current Biology reports that the working memory training that they have established with mice seems to have increased their intelligence. They trained mice on a task that exercised working memory and attention. The mice displayed improvement on general cognitive function when compared to mice with no training. This experiment has proven that the brain is highly adaptable and can be improved with training. They are hoping that further research will give them more insight on how to help the Alzheimer’s patient.

Brain Care

The brain needs to be stimulated with socialization, learning, appropriate nutrition, physical and sexual activity. The brain should be fed a steady diet of foods with Omega-3 fatty acids and high in anti-oxidants such as blueberries and spinach. This nutrition will keep the brain processing at a rapid speed. High levels of stress can be harmful to the brain. Practicing meditation, Yoga, and visualization are all excellent ways to learn how to manage stress levels. Reducing stress and stress hormones in your system is critical to the care of your brain.

Oliver Sacks MD professor of neurology and psychiatry at Columbia University Medical Center believes music can be very healing for the brain. In his book Musicophilia he explores the mystery of the human mind and interaction with music.  “Music can animate people with Parkinson’s disease who couldn’t otherwise move, give words to stroke patients who can’t otherwise speak and calm and organize people who memories are ravaged by Alzheimer’s,” states Dr. Sacks. Music has been found to work when medication is ineffective because it engages so many parts of the brain. Keeping your brain healthy can be part of your daily lifestyle as you work to balance the needs of mind, body and spirit.

 

 

 

 

Honor the Women in Your Life

Every spring we celebrate Mother’s Day to honor the special women in our lives. It is an annual event to acknowledge the woman or memory of women who nurtured us into adulthood. The traditional gifts are usually given of flowers, cards, candy and homemade crafts in celebration of the day. Mother’s Day shouldn’t be exclusive to those women who raised or gave birth to a child. It should extend to honor all women past and present who have contributed to our lives.

Reflection

This Mother’s Day try to spend some time thinking of the women who have touched your life as a teacher or mentor. She may have been in your family or someone who just exposed you to the passion you now experience in your career. This woman gave a part of herself so that you will carry and share that knowledge into future generations. Taking the time to let that special person know how significant she made you feel is something that any woman would treasure. 

Celebrate women

Women today have many roles to fulfill in the family as wife, mother, sister, aunt, granddaughter or grandmother. They have worked hard to break through previous stereotypes and cultural restrictions to pursue any career they chose. This journey has been a struggle for many women who are mothers, due to feelings of guilt or inadequacy as they learned to balance their varied responsibilities in these roles.

No matter how many trials or struggles you’ve experienced in your life journey, you can still celebrate or honor women who have nurtured you. Celebrate their life by planting a tree or inviting them over for dinner with your family. Share your accomplishments and let her know how she contributed to your success. Donate money to her favorite charity or just take the time to call and let her know that she made a difference in your life. Sharing that important fact with her will make Mother’s Day feel very special indeed.