Tween Co-ed Sleepover

Relationship etiquette continues to change between boys and girls today which can leave parents wondering how to handle this important developmental learning stage. Earlier generations started with birthday parties at Chuck E Cheese that grew to slumber parties with all night games and movies. The biggest concern then was how many friends could be invited to the party. The world of the 21st century child is more complicated. Today’s tweens are requesting pizza parties with co-ed sleepovers. How should parents determine when it is the right time or age to draw the line between the genders?

Pros and Cons

There are two view points to every problem presented. The positive aspect could be that a co-ed sleepover would teach tweens appropriate conduct around the opposite sex. They would learn skills of social interaction other than just sexuality that is involved with dating. They could learn how to handle themselves with issues of privacy when changing clothes or using the bathroom. Tweens could establish boundaries in managing their own bodies and the respect of their peer’s personal space. Children that experience positive interaction between the genders will build confidence with girl and boy relationships that can enhance performance in sports, student government, clubs and class projects.

The negative perspective would be to throw children into a social situation that would deny them their childhood. To appear too casual about a co-ed sleepover could convey the message that sleeping with the opposite sex is done without commitment or sexual protection. This could lead to early sexual promiscuity and other self-destructive behaviors.

Parental decision

Modern children are exposed to sexuality at a young age due to the multitude of media exposure, songs, and books that they read. Society has rushed children into adult behaviors way before their young intellect can comprehend the dangerous issues that could present themselves. Parents are the only stop gate to protect children from perilous situations. Tony Jurich, a former president of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapist says, “Parents first have to decide if this type of party is something that fits with their idea of morality. If they decide it’s something they don’t agree with, they shouldn’t allow it. If they decide it is acceptable, they should take all aspects into consideration and set firm ground rules,” he said.

Deciding whether or not to have a co-ed sleepover comes down to the parents trusting their own ideas of morality and deciding what is best for the healthy social development of their child. Whether you are hosting the sleepover or your tween was invited to one, everyone should be in agreement. This will help to avoid the potential concerns and misunderstandings that might evolve from a controversial idea.

Cohabitation contract

Cohabitation is a living arrangement in which an unmarried couple lives together in a long-term relationship that resembles a marriage. Couples will choose to cohabit for different reasons. Usually it is to test their compatibility before committing to marriage. Some couples don’t believe marriage is necessary while gay and lesbians are prohibited to marry in some states.

The 2008 census data reports that 6.8 million opposite-sex couples are currently living together. That is an increase of 5 million couples since 2006. Traditionally the law has favored marriage since it is the basic societal unit that stabilizes the family. The concern is that when couples decide to cohabit they have none of the rights and privileges that married couples have.

Written contract

Experts recommend having a written agreement before cohabitating. Couples that choose to live together don’t receive the same protection as married couples. There is usually very little guidance given as to their rights with property ownership, responsibility with debt, custody of children, healthcare and survivorship.

Each individual should create a list outlining expectations of household responsibilities. This would involve daily responsibilities of cooking meals, doing laundry, shopping, and cleaning the home. If these responsibilities aren’t determined prior to establishing the household, conflict can evolve. These issues often create resentment in the relationship when partners feel the responsibilities aren’t shared equally.

Finances seem to involve the most consideration to the cohabitation contract. It should be specific on household expenses, debt repayment, pensions, division of property and estates if separation or death occurs. This will provide protection to both partners in the relationship.

Protection of the law

People enter relationships out of love for each other and will usually avoid discussing these pertinent concerns. Discussing your legal rights can momentarily hinder the romance in the relationship but unless your rights are documented the court will not enforce them. Openly discussing your rights in a relationship can help strengthen it if you are considerate of each other’s best interests. Contact an attorney in family law to answer any questions you may have about your legal rights involving cohabitation.

Family reunions

There is a current tendency in our society to be closer to our friends than our relatives. Families today rarely live in the same city making family dinners obsolete and reunions a thing of the past. Historically family reunions have been a time to build family interaction and unity. Having several generations assembled together can give you the opportunity to learn more about your family heritage and strengthen family traditions. This can create a deep sense of belonging to each family member that is passed on to future generations.

Getting organized

Families that are spread out over the United States will often take turns hosting the reunion. This allows extended family members to learn more about the state where the host lives and activities their family enjoys. First delegate information gathering tasks to determine the best location and time of year for the majority of families to attend. Next determine the amount of space needed for the reunion and cost per family. Then reserve the location and notify the extended family of the theme and other activities available in the area while visiting.

Celebrations are central around conversation, food and drink. Sharing favorite recipes from grandparents and asking family members to bring that special dish can be great conversation starters. Look at photo albums from past reunions. Celebrate the life of those who are no longer with you and discuss how they made a difference in your life. Create a time capsule and have the children place items in it each year. They can write a message to themselves sharing their dreams and goals which can be fun to reflect on at a later time.

Traditional reunions have many games and activities for all ages. There is horseshoes, potato sack races, face painting, pie eating contests and scavenger hunts. Other games like Bingo, Family Trivia, Dominoes, and cards are always a favorite. If you have creative family members have them put on a talent show or get out the Karaoke machine and sing your favorite songs together.

New memories

There are many ways to document the reunion and reflect on the great experience with video recorders, digital slide shows or your family Facebook page. Continue to update the family tree with the weddings, births and deaths that occur in the family. This will help you to keep the genealogy current and not let those memories fade quite so rapidly. Friends will come and go in our lives but your family will be with you forever.

Kindergarten readiness

The concept of kindergarten derived in the 1830’s from a German teacher who believed the children needed a way to transition from home into the school environment. Kindergarten was established as a way to interact and socialize. Children today are socialized at daycare or in pre-school so kindergarten has been restructured to meet the demands of academic readiness in the cognitive and social areas of development.

Readiness to learn

School readiness means that the child has the ability to learn and cope in the school environment without experiencing undue stress. Children should be able to separate from their family and trust the adults in the school environment. They need to understand the concept of sharing and how to take turns when playing with other children. Children should also display some level of social skills in how to resolve problems and work cooperatively with their peers. They must be able to adapt to the structure of the school day and follow the instructions from their teacher.

A real assessment of readiness isn’t based on the chronological age alone. Many schools will do an assessment several weeks before school begins that involve cognitive, linguistic, motor skills and social skills. Children that enter kindergarten with limited baseline skills of reading and math are unlikely to catch up with their peers. Many will need support services that require remedial learning with the help of an aide or tutor. Children that don’t test well will have a re-evaluation three to six months later to assess if a developmental specialist or neurologist should be consulted.

Other considerations

There are many different academic settings to consider when choosing a school for your children. There are public, private, religion based, and Montessori schools. Other determining factors are class size, use of aides in the classroom, and if kindergarten is a full or half-day program. Structural considerations would be the locations of the bathroom, playground and lunchroom where interaction with older students should be limited.

There are many different developmental levels and skills found in the classroom. Teachers are working to meet the diversity, developmental needs and abilities of all children. Children learn best by doing. It allows them to learn through exploration and observation. It can also help them to follow their interests while building cognitive and creative talents. As you determine the kindergarten readiness for your children also seek an environment where they can be engaged and interested in learning for their optimal growth and development.

Mutual trust is a shared belief that you can depend on each other to achieve a common goal or purpose. It is the expectancy that people can rely on your word. Building relationships requires building trust. Sex and relationship expert Ian Kerner PhD recently completed a survey with 2,000 women. The survey reported that 44% of wives admitted that they had trust issues and 77% were jealous if their husband had a close female friend. This causes 53% of wives to check their husband’s email and phone messages.

Unable to trust

We resist trusting others based on previous experiences of being hurt or disappointed. Trust is a critical element of a healthy relationship to families, teams, organizations, and communities. Motivational speaker Mike Robbins states, “We put up barriers to keep ourselves safe, but that usually leaves us guarded, leery and insecure, unable to easily create meaningful and fulfilling relationships with people.” No matter how guarded you are in your relationships you can still run the risk of getting hurt.

People that don’t learn to trust will struggle with low self-esteem, worry and fear. Not trusting people can trigger a defensive reaction in relationships which will keep emotional distance present. Some individuals are never able to move past a broken heart or willing to self-disclose their personal history which creates intimacy in a relationship. There are others who have experienced abuse and should utilize counseling for support as they take the steps of learning how to trust again.

Taking the steps

There will be situations where family, friends or co-workers will hurt you or let you down. This will happen because humans are not perfect and expectations may be set too high in the relationship. Begin building trust by observing behaviors of different individuals and look for people who treat others with kindness and respect. Ease into the relationship slowly and meet for lunch or coffee. Then take note if the person talks about others. If the conversation dominates toward gossip the individual will most likely not keep confidences that are shared.

A study from Ohio State University Marilynn Brewer PhD professor of Psychology states “Americans are willing to trust others at first until they are proved wrong. Men look for symbolic connections that you get from belonging to the same group, rather than personal connections that women prefer.” With the relationships in your life attempt to consciously grant trust to create a connection of cooperation and collaboration. Expect the best from people in a genuine healthy way. Find a balance between the openness needed and your personal well-being as you determine how intimate to become in the relationship. Trust frays when there are lies that erode and challenge intimacy. Psychiatrist Frank Pittman wisely reminds us that it is not “whom you lie with. It’s whom you lie to.”

Sleep debt

Sleep debt or deficit is the cumulative effect of not getting enough sleep. It is the difference between the amount of sleep you should get and the actual amount that you are sleeping. Current studies are reporting that 50 – 90% of Americans experience the consequences of sleep debt. Sleep is essential for good physical and mental health. It affects how you look, feel and perform at work or school. When we are sleep deprived the brain has to work harder to concentrate and retain information. It also becomes more difficult to problem solve and generate new ideas.

Causes of sleep debt

Today’s high paced lifestyle creates the lack of time that we allow ourselves to sleep. The National Sleep Foundation (NSF) 2004 poll results found that the average adult sleeps 6.8 hours weekdays and 7.4 hours on the weekend. If you lose one hour of sleep per day by Friday you have a sleep debt of 5 hours. Over one year a person can accrue two weeks of sleep debt if the time isn’t made up over the weekend.
David Neubauer MD sleep expert from Johns Hopkins University and spokesman for NSF says “You need to value sleep the same way you value eating right and getting regular exercise.”Lack of sleep creates a vicious cycle of eating inappropriately. The more tired we feel the more caffeine and sugar we consume. The caffeine and sugar can keep you awake at night. Over exposure to technology such as television, video games and computers are also identified as a contributor to sleep debt. Staying up late to finish a movie, texting and talking on the phone can keep you from going to bed on time.

Create good sleep rituals

David Neubauer MD from NSF reminds us that “It’s important to maintain a regular bedtime routine as much as possible.” It will train the mind and body to act in a certain way at a specific time. This will help your body to create the circadian rhythm your brain needs to release the melatonin at bedtime. Spend time “winding down” at least two hours before bedtime. Stop all work, phone calls and avoid eating before bed. Don’t consume caffeine, nicotine and alcohol before bed which will interrupt sleep patterns also. It is best to exercise during the day to energize your brain and body. This will help you relieve your stress and to be more relaxed in the evening. Before bedtime take a bath, read a book or listen to some music. Sleep on a comfortable mattress in a cool, quiet, dark room to help develop healthy sleep habits.



There are many factors that can contribute to sleep debt. The more chronic issues such as pain, illness, sleep apnea or insomnia are more serious long-term sleep problems that can have adverse effect on your health. You should contact your doctor to discuss your symptoms. Your doctor may prescribe a medication, suggest lifestyle changes, relaxation techniques or have your sleep evaluated at a sleep lab. Having a good day starts with having a good night’s sleep.

Children learn with their five senses

For many years science has debated between the interplay of nature and nurture in the areas of growth and development. Our genetic composition guides how we learn and grow while our environment stimulates our nurturing. Early brain development and the caregiver interact to create the foundation for growth and learning. A caregiver can be anyone who looks after young children----parents, grandparents, child care providers or teachers.

First three years of life

During the first 3 years of life, children experience the external world through their senses. The brain is developing the multisensory areas of sight, hearing, smell, touch and taste. Through the senses the toddler’s social, emotional, cognitive, physical and language are developed. Before children talk they are using emotional expression as their language to communicate. A caregiver’s smile and laughter will promote positive brain activity and feelings of security. If a caregiver is under a lot of stress and responds to the infant with anger or irritability----it will wire their brain with negativity. The result could be that the child would not be able to display empathy toward others.

Early brain development research reinforces an important message about children---that from birth on children are ready to learn. Caregivers must be aware of the importance of these early years to stimulate appropriate learning and growth. Joan Luby professor of psychology at Washington University states, “We should pay more attention to parental nurturance. It validates something that I think is intuitive, that we’ve known throughout history, just how important parenting is to creative, adaptive human beings.”

Learning through the senses

Every day is a new opportunity for a child to learn where ever they are-----at home, a park, the store, or a restaurant. You could begin to experiment with different smells and watch their expressive language for likes and dislikes.

•Cinnamon and peppermint has been found to keep a toddler alert while lavender will calm her down when needed.
•The lighting of a room affects our alertness and responsiveness. You can calm an infant down with soft lights while bright lights will stimulate her and keep her awake.
•The color scheme of a room can also calm or stimulate the toddler. Pale yellow, off white and beige create a calm environment, while bright colors like red, orange, and yellow will stimulate creativity and excitement.
•Exposing an infant or toddler to quiet and soft music is calming while rhythmic music will get them excited and moving.
•For touch you could present different textures with food and clothing while using words to describe the item. This would help with language development.

Research shows that an infant’s positive and negative emotions in the brain derive from the caregiver’s responsiveness to them. Create opportunities for each child to reach beyond their abilities. Then they will discover what a wonderful world they have to discover and enjoy.