Adapting to Change

The world around us is constantly changing and life is measured by the milestones of change. We are in varying states of transition as we adapt to our evolution of life. There is birth, death, divorce, careers and daily changes with schedules, friendships, children and the needs of the family as we age. Anticipating change can become a natural part of life and an opportunity for personal growth.  Learning how to accept change can decrease your stress, worry, and physical or mental duress.

Phases of change

As children our parents protected us from change as it was associated with loss. Understanding that change can be a positive concept will open your mind to the possibility of the transition you are facing. Learning to accept change is an acquired skill because it is a challenge to your old belief system. It can cause a break from your routine or shift your priorities to create a complete transformation to your lifestyle. This can generate a range of emotions from fear of the unknown to anxiety, anger or even excitement.

Professional and Engineering Projects (PEP) is a consulting company that will help organizations modify their structure to produce growth. They believe there are five stages of change that we progress through. There is shock, denial, depression, insight, and learning. Once you receive the initial shock of what the change will mean to you the negativity and resistance will occupy your thoughts. You will not want to leave your “comfort zone” and attempt to avoid making the necessary adjustments. Depression is the turning point to acceptance as you realize the options are limited. Insight will bring you the vision of what needs to be reorganized for success. The learning will then evolve with the change of attitude and belief system.

Success of adapting to change

Learning the skill of accepting change will help you to face all challenges and emerge from them stronger, wiser and more self-confident. Allow yourself the time to process your options. Try to modify any black and white thinking by finding a compromise when possible. Then self-check your resistance, as you establish goals to move forward. Act or behave how you visual the transformation and begin to celebrate your small victories of accomplishments. Having the appropriate coping skills can increase your happiness in all areas of your life and relationships. Moving forward can give you a sense of order and purpose to life. This can allow you to perceive tomorrow as a new day of possibilities.   

We live in a world of constant change and we must be resilient. Everyone should protect their emotional and physical well-being. You should be conscientious about eating well and getting your rest. Try to remain socially connected with a few close friends or family members while limiting the news and social media options. During this pandemic of change focus on what is going well and remain hopeful.

Sexual Desire Discrepancy

When you are in a relationship you will notice the different desires with your partner in food, movies, music and hobbies. It is very natural for couples to have different preferences and desires. The frustration of sexual desire though, can create feelings of rejection, resentment and control between the couple.

Desire

According to one study approximately 15% of married couples are sexless. This was defined as the partners hadn’t had sex with each other in the past six months to one year. Life stages in relationships create hormonal changes which create a mismatch on desire. Your libido can be affected by several issues like depression, medication, stress, health, affairs, pornography, previous sexual trauma and dissatisfaction with the partner. Erectile dysfunction can be a concern or one partner in a heterosexual relationship could be gay. Any one of these concerns would affect the sexual desire you would have for each other.

Rebuild desire

New love is intoxicating and rewards the brain like opioids with hormones. Couples seek that feeling of intoxication with each other again. Rebuilding that connection takes time and patience discussing the pertinent issues of wants and needs for each individual.

Sexuality and relationships are complex and there is not one simple way to build your libido or emotional connection with your partner. People’s needs are often quite different but sexual desire and discrepancy is a common issue couples experience and with help from a professional this can often be worked out.

Yoga Can Improve Quality of Life

Yoga has become an adjunct therapy to improve the quality of life for many individuals who have practiced it. Research reports that Yoga will decrease your blood pressure, increase energy, improve your sleep while decreasing anxiety and depression symptoms. People of all ages are benefiting from Yoga to improve health and overall well-being.

Research findings

The Journal of Psychiatric Practice (2019) published results of how Yoga can improve symptoms of depression and anxiety. The research monitored two groups. One was considered high active of 123 hours and low active of 87 hours. Both groups reported improvement in symptoms of anxiety and depression. There was also significant improvement in sleep quality, tranquility, positive thinking and physical exhaustion. These benefits were observed within one month and accumulating over time. Researchers are hopeful that the study results will initiate more individuals to try Yoga as a strategy to improve their health and well-being.

Daily self-care

As the human body ages the muscle mass starts to naturally decline by about 1% per year once you reach 40 years old. Yoga can help to build and maintain muscle strength and flexibility. It can also reduce painful compression of the spine and joints from years of sitting at a desk and driving cars.

 When you decrease your stress level with exercise you will decrease the secretion of cortisol to the body. The daily practice of Yoga will give you better overall fitness within ten weeks. As you reflect over 2019 and determine goals for 2020 you may want to consider adding Yoga to your daily routine for a healthier lifestyle.

Technology in Relationships

The fall season has arrived with the holidays. For most people is means trying to find the time to spend with extended family and friends. It also keeps more people in doors spending time with their technology. Technology has crept into every aspect of our lives and the time spent on our phones is affecting our relationships.


Boundaries

A National Marriage Project from the University of Virginia call “Ifedility” found younger Americans raised with technology are putting their relationships at risk by having looser relationship boundaries online. The survey initiated involved 2,000 married, cohabitating and single individuals across the country and found that young men and women are the least committed in a relationship.


Assistant Professor David Schramm at Utah State University surveyed 631 parents from ages 21 to 60 and found 62% agree that technology has created problems in the family system. Over half of the marital partners felt that technology has affected their intimacy. Six out of ten parents were concerned about the influence technology has had on their children.


Results

Researchers stated that people who are unhappy in their relationships are more likely to look for romantic encounters online. The study results documented that the more you use your technology the less time you will spend as a couple and family. This will create less satisfaction in your relationships and increase your anxiety and depression symptoms.


Experts suggest that families set boundaries when they are on their computers and phones. There should be no technology at the dinner table or in the bedroom as it affects communication and time spent being intimate. Parents should spend time with their children playing games, sports and learning hobbies. Couples need to plan their date nights to nurture their relationship and keep their emotional connection strong. This winter make an effort to “unplug” from your technology and connect with each other.

Supporting Your Child in the School System

Being a parent or a caregiver is one of the most difficult roles that we have as an adult. We can become overwhelmed at times with the responsibility of raising and providing for our children. As parents we are challenged with each stage of growth and development that our child presents. When children enter the school system, they will spend more time at school with their teacher and friends than they will at home. Children will have problems that occur at school because for the next twelve years it is their reflective world. Helping your children communicate assertively and be proactive to resolve issues will help them to build their self-esteem.

Be Proactive

If your child is having difficulty at school, it will be important to use the school resources. Many school districts use programs that you can download to keep parents updated on homework assignments, daily behavior and grades. Your child’s classroom could have over twenty students for the teacher to instruct. Parents should visit their child’s classroom to observe the learning process and then volunteer your time to support your child and the teacher.

Build Social Skills

Some children will do very well academically but display developmental delays with social skills. If you notice that your child plays alone and complains that no one likes him or her this will create anxiety. Children will question where they belong outside of the family system. Parents can enroll their children in a sport of their choice or an organization like Boy Scouts or Girl Scouts. These activities will give children the opportunity to practice their social skills, build athletic skills and their confidence. There are several options at the YMCA, recreation centers and private lessons. It is important to not to over commit with too many extra-curricular activities. This can create anger and frustration with your child if they have no time to relax at home.


If you continue to have concerns about your child’s behaviors at home and school, you may want to contact a licensed counselor or your primary care physician to do an assessment. Asking for help can be difficult for families to do. Parents can view this as an opportunity to model for their child that life is a journey of learning as we search for answers to issues in our life. This process can help you to learn more about each other and grow closer emotionally as you determine which option is best for your child.

Children Need a Bedtime Routine

Teachers and students are preparing to return to school. The stores are advertising back to school specials and the aisles are stocked with school supplies. Parents are busy preparing their children for the transition of school but have difficulty getting them to bed at a reasonable time. JAMA Pediatrics did a cross-sectional study and found that 6% of children or 1 in 17 are given Melatonin for sleep issues.

Maintain a regular sleep schedule

When a child has the appropriate amount of sleep, they are more energetic and less irritable in the morning. Maintaining a regular sleep schedule can keep a child physically and mentally fresh. Children aged 1 to 3 should receive 10 to 13 hours of sleep at night. School age children need 10 to 12 hours each night, but this requirement may drop to 9 hours at 13 years of age.

Creating a routine for bedtime signals the brain to prepare to rest. Not every child will fall asleep right away but will need time to relax after a long day of school and play. A warm bath or scheduled quiet time reading can help a child to transition into sleep mode. Parents should set a firm bedtime hour for their child and be consistent with this expectation.

Routine

A bedtime routine is the key to making sure a child gets enough rest. Parents should restrict the use of television, internet or social media before bedtime. These activities can stimulate the brain and make it more difficult for the child to fall asleep. The bedroom should be quiet and comfortable. A child may have a special blanket, pillow or stuffed animal that should be available if it helps them to relax. All caffeinated and sugar beverages should not be allowed as it would keep them from nodding off.

 Children with ADHD, anxiety and autism will need Melatonin at times to help with sleep. Parents should discuss Melatonin with their doctor so they would know if this supplement is appropriate for their child and the correct dosage to administer.

Take Time to Unplug

Science is reporting that there are many dangers for children when they have too much screen time. Excessive phone use can cause sore thumbs, neck pain, stress, anxiety, and strained relationships with family or friends. Among the most concerning risk is sleep deprivation. The blue light emitted from the screen is interpreted by the body as a signal to wake up. So if children have interaction with a screen two hours before bedtime, they are more likely to be wide awake long after the screen has been shut off.

Establish boundaries

Adults and children should get the proper amount of sleep at night to help stay focused, improve concentration and academic or work performance. Sleep deprivation affects your mood, energy level and ability to concentrate. Using screens before bedtime will damage your body clock and disrupt your sleep.

Options to create boundaries in your home would be to create a tech-free zone. You could unplug at dinner or one night a week establish a family game night. Parents should prioritize unstructured playtime and install an app that controls the length of time your child can be on their phone or tablet.

Replace bad habits with good

It takes almost thirty days to replace a bad habit with better self-care. Start today and stop "phubbing" or snubbing friends and family by paying more attention to your phone than them. Turn off your non-essential notifications so the phone tones don't dictate your time. Instead create time to enjoy each other and nature. You will get more things accomplished during the day with less stress and anxiety.

Thank You For Your Support

Incorporate Hygge into Your Life

Hygge (Hoo-gah) is a Scandinavian way of life that focuses on pleasure, presence and participation. It is a concept that involves finding the joy in the simple things of everyday life. The hygge lifestyle originated in Denmark and has contributed to their nation’s consistently high happiness ratings. Their culture focuses on a mood of coziness, feelings of wellness and contentment.


Creating hygge


In today’s busy world more American’s are seeking hygge as they attempt to find happiness within. Most individuals would see hygge as a form of self-care especially during the winter when weather related depression or Seasonal Affective Disorder runs high. Hygge involves surrounding yourself with items that soothe your senses. A hygge home has soft lights, warm drinks, baked goods and hosting an evening of deep conversation with caring friends and family. Some individuals prefer to take a long hot bath with their favorite bath oil. Other people prefer to read a book in their favorite sweats covered by their special blanket in front of the fireplace. However, you implement hygge into your life it should create and celebrate health and happiness. Start treating yourself today to hygge.

Open Communication in the New Year

Whenever we hear of another relationship that breaks up we speculate on the reason why. Unfortunately there are many reasons that can contribute to the failure with infidelity, finances, midlife crisis or just growing apart from each other. There is no simple answer to this painful experience and everyone will have their own unique story to tell.

Warning signs

Couples can get stuck in abusive communication patterns that hurt and distance them from each other. Research shows that women will bring up issues of conflict 80% of the time that their partner will want to ignore. If it is important to one, it’s important to the marriage. Avoidance of the concern will only cause resentment and the pressure will build until the argument loses perspective or why it even began.

Psychologist John Gottman did a study with 1,000 couples and found that criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling was found in 94% of failed relationships. Most males would identify this communication pattern as “nagging”. Everyone will use these defensive tools occasionally  but repeated patterns will cause your partner to feel anger, fear, hurt, sadness and alienation.

Healthy argument

Discussing small differences is important to do before they become a major issue in the relationship. A recent survey found that 44% of married couples believe that arguing once a week help to keep communication open. William Dougherty a professor of Family Social Science at the University of Minnesota states, “What the studies have shown is that it’s not so much whether couples get angry but how they handle it. There’s a difference between good fighting and bad fighting. Constructive conflict can put a spark in a relationship. Love needs a spark every now and then.”

Arguments can be an opportunity to discover what issues are important to the individual. It’s a way to reach the person and let them know you value them and want to be supportive. Healthy arguments can also be a way to model conflict resolution for your children. If you are yelling and cussing at each other you are displaying contempt and disrespect. Issues that are discussed and resolved appropriately can display how to compromise and move forward with the agreement.

Rebuild the Relationship

It is important when discussing different viewpoints to utilize “I statements”. This will keep you from engaging in blame when expressing your perspective. With every negative concern that is addressed make an effort to state five positive compliments about your relationship together. Then schedule your alone time together each week and give each other an intimate kiss and hug every day to remain emotionally connected. Finally separate the problem from the person. It’s the problem you’re upset about. If you feel stuck in a negative pattern seek counseling to learn healthy ways to communicate your concerns.  

Blending Holiday Traditions

The United States is referred to as the “melting pot” nation where all immigrants and their traditions have blended over the centuries.  Traditions that your family looks forward to each holiday are originally from different cultures around the world.  The Christmas carols we sing are from England.  The tradition of decorating the tree is from Germany and St. Nicholas originated in Scandinavia.  The Netherlands expanded on the myth to have St. Nicolas or Santa Claus fill the stockings hanging over the fireplace.  The United States extended the story adding the sleigh and eight tiny reindeer.

Be open to change

Determining how to celebrate the holidays for divorced or blended families can become difficult with schedule conflicts and trying to combine the traditions that were important to their nuclear family.  There are many solutions to the problem if everyone is willing to compromise and experience new traditions.  Communicate with non-custodial parents to make sure the children are present for the festivities that are important to them.  Try to be flexible and alternate the schedules when possible.  Discuss how change can be a positive event when blending your favorite traditions. 

Blending family traditions can be a challenging but rewarding experience.  When all the changes become overwhelming, try to focus on the reason for the Christmas season.  You are not competing with each other but explaining the importance of how your family customs are celebrated.  Traditions are about building special memories so that one day your family rituals will be passed on to future generations.  Acceptance and acknowledging what is really important to the special people in your life will create the holiday you will all want to remember.  

Discuss Sexting With Your Children

Many children and adolescents are asking their parents for a smartphone this holiday season. In their peer group it is a status of superiority to own the latest version. Children from elementary school to young adult learn how to download the apps they prefer and communicate to their friends and family up to sixteen times a minute each day. They create a virtual world with minimal human contact. This can become a parent’s nightmare as they try to monitor appropriate interaction with friends. Trends are mounting around sexually explicit selfies or videos. They also capture and forward screenshots from intimate Instagram photos or FaceTime video chats.

Be Proactive

When parents make the decision to purchase a phone for their child, they need to have a conversation about preserving their privacy online. More than one in four teens under 18 years of age have received sexts and nearly 15% have sent them. According to a 2018 review of 39 studies this is happening more with the increasing use of smartphones. The JAMA Pediatrics survey studies report that over the last decade 12% have forwarded sexually explicit images without the subject’s consent and 8.4% have been a victim of sexts.

Sexting has been termed as the “gateway to future sexual activity”. Teens who have sent a sext are 32% more likely to be sexually active within a year’s time. Many children and teens don’t have the developmental ability to control their impulses at this age or exercise sound judgment. Sending a photo to the love of your life when you are 13 years old appears to be a logical choice.

Monitor the Electronics

Coerced sexting by aggressors who pressure or manipulate their victims can be emotionally devastating, triggering guilt, shame and embarrassment. This can be a nightmare for the parents and children involved as the photo is circulated online. Parents should begin teaching children about the risks before they are given a smartphone.  Children should understand the importance of keeping their private parts private! Your child needs to be strong enough to decline any request received, no matter how much social pressure is involved to send a sext.

Raising children today is very different now that technology has become a tool used to connect us with the world. What a young person posts on the internet today can haunt them later in life when they apply for that scholarship, interview with a potential employer or a job in public service. The potential legal consequences for juvenile sexting offenders range from community service to child pornography charges in some states.

Parents should start the discussion about the risks of sexting and emphasize it is never appropriate to pressure someone into sending a sext. Remind your child that there could be legal consequences for a poor choice and that once that image is online there is little that you can do to protect them. It is important to discuss what a healthy relationship is and coach them on safe responses if they are approached. If your child has had this experience seek legal counsel for your options and find a therapist who can guide you through the process of healing.

Relationship Shopping

Before dating apps were created people would meet through friends, family, at school, church or work. Now it is an online experience with a new vocabulary that feels like a marketplace full of choices. Currently, the most popular dating apps are Tinder, Bumble and Grindr which are less than ten years old. According to Pew Research Center 27% of daters between the ages of 18 and 24 have used a dating app.

Profiles

The Journal of Social and Personal Relationships interviewed online daters and discovered that half of them lied about their height, weight or bank balance. The individuals interviewed had the perception that a great relationship could be had by discovering the right profile instead of cultivated with personal connection.

Tinder reported more than 50 million users in 2014, which has created an endless supply of profiles. Many daters are “benched” before the relationship even begins. Others are given “breadcrumbs” but really have no intention of being in a committed relationship. The “catch and release” is a technique used by people who love the thrill of the chase. When you finally agree to date the person, they immediately lose interest and look for the next victim. To “ghost” is to cut a romantic partner out of one’s life, ignoring all attempts at contact and leaving the "ghosted" to figure out why they’ve been dumped.

Ghosted

Breakups are rarely easy, but ghosting doesn’t give the individual an opportunity for closure. Someone that you thought cared about you disappears without an explanation. Research suggests that impersonal strategies are favored by those who fear commitment and avoid intimacy. Some surveys report up to 80% of young daters have experienced ghosting.

There are three main attachment styles utilized in relationships and vary person to person but are categorized as secure, anxious or avoidant. The University of Kansas researchers found 20% of adults have an avoidant attachment style and tend to suppress their feelings. Avoiders gravitate to ghosting to maintain the emotional distance especially when under stress. Another 15% of the population have an anxious attachment style who tend to worry and are easily distressed by conflict. The avoiders are more likely to ghost the anxious partner who is seen as high-maintenance.

While most people expect the courtesy of a face-to-face explanation when breaking up, the reality is you may never know the reason why you’ve been dumped. Your texts have been ignored and your calls are unanswered. Dating online is a risk most people are willing to take because it is more difficult to meet people in the digital age.

An Emotional Affair

Emotional intimacy is the most powerful bond in human relationships…..much stronger than sexual. A new type of infidelity has increased over the last decade and is one of the biggest threats to marriage….emotional affairs. You can have an affair without having sex. Sometimes the greatest betrayal happens without touching. Infidelity is considered to be any emotional or sexual intimacy that violates trust with your mate.

Sliding across boundaries

Affairs can happen in good marriages. They are less about love and more about sliding across professional boundaries into the personal area of your life. Today’s workplace has become the new danger zone of opportunities for emotional affairs which has only been surpassed by the internet. As these circumstances for intimate relationships increase, the boundaries between platonic and romantic feelings blur and become easier to cross.

When you discuss what your marriage lacks to a colleague of the opposite sex you are sending a loud message that you’re available for someone else to love and care for your needs. This behavior is also a breach of the trust that you share in your relationship. Discussing intimate concerns outside the marriage will create a false sense of intimacy that states your happiness is valued by this person.

Comparing another person against your partner will also create a dangerous negative thinking pattern. This can make you begin to daydream about this individual who seems to understand you. You will find yourself looking forward to seeing them, sharing personal news and imagining their excitement when you are together. This euphoric feeling will release dopamine in the reward centers of your brain which will also reinforce the illusion that this person relates to you like nobody else.

Not “just friends”

Individuals involved in an emotional affair will let their negative thinking patterns blame the mate for their unhappiness. A sense of entitlement evolves and resentment will build and push you from your spouse. As a result you will begin to pull away and make excuses to avoid joining activities with your partner.

Secrecy can then become another warning sign as it creates an unhealthy bond that gives a false sense of emotional safety. If your partner tries to interfere with the “friendship”, anger is directed at the invasion and your mood becomes more irritable or unhappy.

There will come a time in the alliance when one or both parties will fantasize about having a loving sexual relationship with each other. This discussion will add intensity to the desire. Not heeding the warning signs and finding time to spend alone together will push the bond from platonic to sexual. Healing your marriage after an affair is a very difficult process. It is best to be aware of the warning signs and understand that a friendship with the opposite gender can evolve to more.

Kindergarten Readiness

The concept of kindergarten derived in the 1830’s from a German teacher who believed the children needed a way to transition from home into the school environment. Kindergarten was established as a way to interact and socialize. Children today are socialized at daycare or in pre-school so kindergarten has been restructured to meet the demands of academic readiness in the cognitive and social areas of development.

Readiness to learn

School readiness means that the child has the ability to learn and cope in the school environment without experiencing undue stress. Children should be able to separate from their family and trust the adults in the school environment. They need to understand the concept of sharing and how to take turns when playing with other children. Children should also display some level of social skills in how to resolve problems and work cooperatively with their peers. They must be able to adapt to the structure of the school day and follow the instructions from their teacher.

A real assessment of readiness isn’t based on the chronological age alone. Many schools will do an assessment several weeks before school begins that involve cognitive, linguistic, motor skills and social skills. Children that enter kindergarten with limited baseline skills of reading and math are unlikely to catch up with their peers. Many will need support services that require remedial learning with the help of an aide or tutor.  Children that don’t test well will have a re-evaluation three to six months later to assess if a developmental specialist or neurologist should be consulted.

Other considerations for optimal growth

There are many different academic settings to consider when choosing a school for your children. There are public, private, religion based, and Montessori schools. Other determining factors are class size, use of aides in the classroom, and if kindergarten is a full or half-day program. Structural considerations would be the locations of the bathroom, playground and lunchroom where interaction with older students should be limited.

There are many different developmental levels and skills found in the classroom. Teachers are working to meet the diversity, developmental needs and abilities of all children. Children learn best by doing. It allows them to learn through exploration and observation. It can also help them to follow their interests while building cognitive and creative talents. As you determine the kindergarten readiness for your children also seek an environment where they can be engaged and interested in learning for their optimal growth and development.

Children Attempting Suicide at a Younger Age

Suicide takes the lives of nearly 30,000 Americans each year. Many of those individuals never seek the professional care that is available to them. The 80% that do seek medical support for their depression are successful in their treatment. Federal health officials report in a 2006 study that the suicide rate among preteen and teenage girls rose to its highest level in a decade.  This statistic affects girls from ages 10-14 years of age.  The preferred method of suicide was hanging or suffocation (71%) which surpassed guns.

Suicide is the 11^th leading cause of death.  Every 15 minutes someone tries to take their own life and there are over 800,000 attempts a year. One in every 65,000 children age 10 to 14 years old will be successful with their attempt.

Suicide awareness

A study completed by the University of Washington and published in the Journal of Adolescent Health found that 883 youth ages 18 to 19 years old had attempted suicide. Researcher James Mazza said that 40% of the youth survey made their first attempt before entering high school. “The earliest age was nine, so that’s either third or fourth grade. There is a sharp increase at sixth grade, so that is age twelve. They continue to rise, with the peak being eighth to ninth grade.”

Mazza suggests parents and children need to have an open dialogue about their feelings and the pressures that they face daily. Parents and other caring adults should look for changes in youth such as talking about taking one’s life, feeling sad or hopeless about the future. Also look for changes in eating or sleeping habits and even losing the desire to take part in favorite activities.

Keep children safe

The National Center for Disease Control and Prevention is advising that health officials consider focusing on suicide prevention programs for girls 10-19 and boys between 15-19 years of age to reverse these startling statistics.  They also suggest that parents monitor or restrict children’s access to pills, weapons, or other lethal means of self-harm.

My experience has been that both genders are self-medicating with alcohol and drugs at a very young age to handle the pressure at home and school. Netflix has produced the series 13 Reasons Why that explores the suicide of a young woman and the events which led to her final decision. Parents should watch this show with their children to discuss the mental health perspective and the importance of asking for help when needed.

Another important intervention would be to stay emotionally connected to your child by being involved in their school activities, friends and academics.  You can also plan family time together or special outings together to keep your relationships strong.  Families that center their life on their faith and church have a strong foundation of love that also helps them endure the trials of life.  If you see that your child is struggling and drifting from your family system, you may want to seek professional help as an intervention.  Counseling could help your child cope with their anxiety and depression which can bring hope to the whole family. 

Make Fun a Priority in Your Marriage

When a couple marries they envision a life together with their best friend.  Unfortunately there are many issues that can complicate the relationship such as sex, money, trust, and fidelity. An article published in the Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy report that 45- 55% of women and 50-60% of men will become involved in extramarital sex at some time during their marriage. These individuals would intentionally engage in the affair with no intention of leaving their committed relationship.

Prioritize your marriage

Studies have found that the happiest married couples have learned how to prioritize having fun together. Having a busy work schedule, attending classes or keeping up with activities that your children are involved in can make this a difficult task. Make a list of activities that you would like to do together. Step out of your comfort zone and try new experiences like dance lessons, plays, concerts, or a cooking class where you can share your thoughts and ideas. Just spending time together isn’t enough to strengthen the relationship. Behavioral scientists report “New experiences activate the brain’s reward system, flooding it with dopamine and norepinephrine which are the same brain circuits that are ignited in early romantic love.” Couples that participated in “exciting” date nights reported a greater increase in marital satisfaction.

Protect your date nights from becoming a time to resolve conflicts. Agree to discuss your concerns at an alternative time like in the morning over breakfast or after completing evening chores. Dr. John Gottman’s research has found that “For every one disagreement, misunderstanding or hurt feeling, they need five positive, affectionate caring or fun interactions to counterbalance it.” Conflict is inevitable in long-term relationships but it can erode the relationship if concerns are used to control the partner or not resolved in a constructive manner.  Find the balance needed to actively listen to the concern presented without attacking each other in the process to finding a compromise.  Seek counseling when you feel stuck or unable to find a solution to the problem. Sometimes discussing the concern with a neutral party can help to get your relationship back on track and enjoying each other again

The Similarities of Anorexia and Bulimia

Anorexia and Bulimia Nervosa are both eating disorders that involve an intense fear of becoming overweight. This fear is usually triggered after being on a diet, fearful of becoming obese and a drive to be thin. Individuals at risk are preoccupied with food, weight, appearance and struggle with depression. These individuals display a more anxious personality that strives to be perfect.

Eating disorders

Individuals with eating disorders believe they weigh too much and look too heavy regardless of their actual weight or appearance. They will usually begin a diet because they are obsessed with the desire to have a perfect body. Both anorexia and bulimia can play a huge role in your mental and physical health. Both disorders can disrupt everyday lives, ruin relationships and create dysfunctional behavior. Extreme cases will affect the function of internal organs and become life threatening. When individuals engage in excessive exercise they can experience depression, fatigue and heart failure. Others will abuse diet pills or struggle with other substance abuse.

Treatment

The occurrence of eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia has increased dramatically over the past few years. Individuals that are most vulnerable suffer with low self-esteem, emotional stress, depression and feelings of guilt. They will then cope with their feelings by means of not eating or over eating. Both disorders will develop at an early stage of adulthood and individuals affected can struggle with this problem the rest of their life. It is most prevalent in cultures where food is plentiful and where thin is associated with attractiveness.

Anorexia and Bulimia Nervosa can be treated with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or CBT which is designed to change behaviors that have developed into self-destructive patterns. It focuses on modifying distorted beliefs about weight. Recovery isn’t easy but with support, intensive therapy and education there is hope. Do not be afraid to seek the help that you need to become victorious of these disorders and go on to have a full and healthy life.

Treatment Options for Adult Attention Deficit Disorder

Many adults are discovering that the symptoms they have struggled with as a child and continue to cope with has a name, Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) or ADHD Inattentive Type. Historically the diagnosis of ADD has focused predominately on children, but only 40% of children will outgrow ADD symptoms. Adults often conclude that they have ADD when their children are diagnosed and recognize that they have similar symptoms. Individuals who suspect they have ADD should see a clinician who can perform a personal interview, take a medical history, diagnose and discuss options for treatment.  

There is no known cause for ADD but heredity, genetics, and chemical imbalance are probable originating factors. Adults with ADD will have difficulty following directions, remembering information, concentrating, organizing tasks or completing tasks on time. These concerns can cause problems in their personal relationships, professional careers, academics and social interactions. Symptoms of ADD can range from mild to severe. Different medications have been shown to help adults diagnosed with ADD very quickly, but there are alternative choices to consider.

Nutrition

The consideration of some dietary changes and eating a more nutritious regime can work as an alternative treatment. There are common things that are usually overlooked in a diet but should be assessed such as food allergies, yeast overgrowth, antibiotic over use and improper diet. These concerns can be discussed with your primary care physician.

Research is finding nutritional deficiencies of fatty acids and amino acids can affect a person’s attention span. Fatty acids are essential for the healthy nervous system as they also influence brain development and the neuronal connections between the different areas of the brain. The American diet supplies the Omega 6 family of fatty acids found in corn, sunflower, canola and safflower oil, margarine, vegetable oil and shortening. Most diets lack the Omega 3 fatty acids found in salmon, mackerel and sardines. Taking a food supplement or vitamin can help with this deficiency.

Exercise and Behavioral Changes

Regular and vigorous exercise can be very helpful to the adult diagnosed with ADD. Exercise that is maintained daily can quiet the mind and release energy in a positive way. The immediate release of dopamine and norepinephrine will help to delay impulsive behaviors and allow the individual time to evaluate choices or consequences. Exercise will also elevate the mood and decrease muscle tension.

Skills training for the ADD adult can be very beneficial. The adult would learn how to organize their day by making a list of all tasks to be completed daily. This should be prioritized from the most important to the least important task. If the tasks are complex they should be broken down into steps that are listed and crossed off when completed. Carrying a notepad or putting reminders in your phone would also allow the ADD adult to list thoughts that seem to come and go quickly and notify you of any schedule changes that occurred. Setting alarms on a phone or watch can also be a great reminder to help individuals to arrive on time to appointments or meetings.

Counseling can be very helpful to address any underlying issues of self-esteem that could hinder an individual’s performance. There is also relaxation training to help with focus and the reduction of stress. A job coach or behavioral coach could mentor the individual with work performance and relationship concerns. Family therapy can benefit the ADD adult when everyone learns ways to be supportive as new skills are being learned.

There is no cure for ADD but there are several options to control the symptoms. Learning ways to adapt and focusing on individual strengths of will help the ADD adult accomplish any goal strived for.     

The Lessons of Divorce

The death of a relationship, no matter how long it lasted, is always intense and difficult. When you process the obstacles that were faced, it is important that both parties accept their part in the discord that has led to the separation. During this difficult time, it would be helpful to create a support system that will provide you emotional support. Then allow yourself the time to heal and grieve the loss. This process will help you to accept the situation and in time visualize a new beginning.

Divorce

Society refers to divorce as a “failed marriage”. Many marriages have ended emotionally prior to the filing of divorce paperwork. These marriages weren’t failures if you are able to retain what was learned or enjoyed from the relationship when it was healthy. In the course of life things happen to people that cause them to change. Sometimes those events cause relationships to end. That doesn’t mean the relationship failed when it was no longer viable. The marriage was successful for the years the couple was happy and together.

Move forward

Many couples facing divorce will concentrate on who to blame for the cause of the divorce. It really doesn’t matter whose fault it is. You are still facing the reality that the relationship is over and the question of how you want to move forward. Obsessing about the loss and filling your life with anger will only hinder your progress in healing. Focus on healing from the experience and the new opportunities you can choose from. Your new life is a work in progress.

Acknowledge that you need to heal from this experience before seeking a new partner. The guideline is for every five years you are with a partner it takes approximately six months of healing. Next find the courage to be proactive and resolve to finalize the divorce. This will allow you to accept that the relationship is over so that you can look forward to the premise of a new beginning. Try seeking fulfillment in other ways by finding employment that engages your skills and improves your marketability. This will eventually improve your income and financial stability. Make time in your life to experience new hobbies or the fun things that you like to do. Relish the freedom that you now have over your own schedule. Focus on the positive and stay healthy by eating right and exercising. Make this a part of your daily lifestyle. The best option you have is to live well while enjoying life.