Whenever we hear of another relationship that breaks up we
speculate on the reason why. Unfortunately there are many reasons that can
contribute to the failure with infidelity, finances, midlife crisis or just
growing apart from each other. There is no simple answer to this painful
experience and everyone will have their own unique story to tell.
Warning signs
Couples can get stuck in abusive communication patterns that
hurt and distance them from each other. Research shows that women will bring up
issues of conflict 80% of the time that their partner will want to ignore. If
it is important to one, it’s important to the marriage. Avoidance of the
concern will only cause resentment and the pressure will build until the
argument loses perspective or why it even began.
Psychologist John Gottman did a study with 1,000 couples and
found that criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling was found in 94%
of failed relationships. Most males would identify this communication pattern
as “nagging”. Everyone will use these defensive tools occasionally but repeated patterns will cause
your partner to feel anger, fear, hurt, sadness and alienation.
Healthy argument
Discussing small differences is important to do before they
become a major issue in the relationship. A recent survey found that 44% of
married couples believe that arguing once a week help to keep communication
open. William Dougherty a professor of Family Social Science at the University
of Minnesota states, “What the studies have shown is that it’s not so much
whether couples get angry but how they handle it. There’s a difference between
good fighting and bad fighting. Constructive conflict can put a spark in a
relationship. Love needs a spark every now and then.”
Arguments can be an opportunity to discover what issues are
important to the individual. It’s a way to reach the person and let them know
you value them and want to be supportive. Healthy arguments can also be a way
to model conflict resolution for your children. If you are yelling and cussing
at each other you are displaying contempt and disrespect. Issues that are
discussed and resolved appropriately can display how to compromise and move
forward with the agreement.
Rebuild the
Relationship
It is important when discussing different viewpoints to
utilize “I statements”. This will keep you from engaging in blame when
expressing your perspective. With every negative concern that is addressed make
an effort to state five positive compliments about your relationship together.
Then schedule your alone time together each week and give each other an intimate
kiss and hug every day to remain emotionally connected. Finally separate the
problem from the person. It’s the problem you’re upset about. If you feel stuck
in a negative pattern seek counseling to learn healthy ways to communicate your
concerns.
