The new stepparent has a difficult and sensitive role in the
blended family. Although the myth of the wicked stepparent is found in our
nursery stories…..it does portray the negative light given to this family
member. Sometimes this individual is blamed for the separation of the
biological parents or simply not welcome regardless of the contributions he or
she makes to the family. As a result the relationship between the stepparent
and the child is often stormy and can become one of the greatest obstacles to
the new marriage. Many times the continued conflict causes enormous tension
between the couple and the eventual break-up of the relationship.
Accepting differences
As in any family the relationship between the husband and
wife should still be your first priority. The marriage must be strong to endure
the continuous pressure of the blended family. The couple must never forget
that they are on the same team so that the children or outside influences don’t
create conflict between them.
Expecting the children to immediately bond in the new family
system isn’t realistic. It will take time for them to accept the new family
roles and expectations. The stepparent will need to build a relationship of
trust as will the children from the different family systems. This blending of
the family process will take patience and will depend on the amount of time
that the children spend at the stepparent’s home. The stepparent must
understand the he or she is an additional parent figure…..not a replacement in
the child’s life.
Blending the family
Children perceive change differently and may also worry
about loyalty issues concerning the biological parents. To help with the
transition of co-parenting both biological parents must work together to
discipline and guide the children. The biological parent should take the lead
role when discipline is needed and the stepparent will then support their rules
and boundaries. If the stepparent initiates the discipline the conflict
concerns will usually escalate. Parents need to be united in this area and
discuss any disagreements privately. Giving the child power in this situation
will put a wedge between the couple and communication will shut down.
The stepparent shouldn’t expect an instant love bond to
evolve…..relationships take time. This process can even take years but with
patience and a positive attitude you can experience success. The blended family
should make an intentional effort to create a new family together. You can plan
a family night of movies or games, trips and other activities that will build
new memories.
During this time of
bonding as a family it will be important to spend time alone together as a
couple on a regular basis. A couple should spend a minimum of four hours a week
to remain emotionally connected. This will
keep your relationship and intimacy a priority as you work to unite the
families.