Divorce is a fact of life in today’s culture. Every year 1.25 million marriages end in divorce and two-thirds of those are initiated by women. This will leave over 1 million children under 18 years old to cope with the new experience of joint custody. Divorce is no longer the end of a relationship….it’s a restructuring of a continuing relationship.
Restructure of the family
Divorcees learn quickly that leaving your partner doesn’t mean that you stop dealing with the former spouse as the child’s mother or father. The assumption has been that once the property has been divided, the children allocated to a household that each parent would then be autonomous. This thinking evolved out of the divorce court of family law in the 1960’s and 1970’s.
Divorce has changed over the last 40 years. Adults have realized that marriage is dissoluble but parenthood is not. Fatherhood has become the major battle in family court. Fathers that have experienced separation from their children began to rethink their priorities. They are now demanding greater involvement in their children’s lives. Fathers no longer have to wonder what is happening with their children as his involvement is not hindered by the court or the mother.
Joint custody
The illusion of personal autonomy after divorce is just that. People can make fresh starts with a new partner but you can’t disconnect from the former relationship with children involved. Parenting is an enduring connection that outlasts the severance of the adult relationship. Both parents must constantly examine their actions to assure the needs and interests of the child are addressed first.
As the guidelines to your joint custody are established it will be important to remember that you child didn’t ask to be divorced from either parent. Each parent must make a reasonable effort to see that visitation takes place with a minimum of tension. If both parents work to remain flexible and discuss parenting concerns that arise then the discord can be minimal.
Joint custody works to alleviate the inequalities of the traditional custodial routine. This arrangement of shared custody demands a great deal from the former married partners. They have to move past the pain of a failed marriage and make cooperative parenting work.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Saturday, September 07, 2013
Stepparenting
The new stepparent has a difficult and sensitive role in the blended family. Although the myth of the wicked stepparent is found in our nursery stories…..it does portray the negative light given to this family member. Sometimes this individual is blamed for the separation of the biological parents or simply not welcome regardless of the contributions he or she makes to the family. As a result the relationship between the stepparent and the child is often stormy and can become one of the greatest obstacles to the new marriage. Many times the continued conflict causes enormous tension between the couple and the eventual break-up of the relationship.
Accepting differences
As in any family the relationship between the husband and wife should still be your first priority. The marriage must be strong to endure the continuous pressure of the blended family. The couple must never forget that they are on the same team so that the children or outside influences don’t create conflict between them.
Expecting the children to immediately bond in the new family system isn’t realistic. It will take time for them to accept the new family roles and expectations. The stepparent will need to build a relationship of trust as will the children from the different family systems. This blending of the family process will take patience and will depend on the amount of time that the children spend at the stepparent’s home. The stepparent must understand the he or she is an additional parent figure…..not a replacement in the child’s life.
Blending the family
Children perceive change differently and may also worry about loyalty issues concerning the biological parents. To help with the transition of co-parenting both biological parents must work together to discipline and guide the children. The biological parent should take the lead role when discipline is needed and the stepparent will then support their rules and boundaries. If the stepparent initiates the discipline the conflict concerns will usually escalate. Parents need to be united in this area and discuss any disagreements privately. Giving the child power in this situation will put a wedge between the couple and communication will shut down.
The stepparent shouldn’t expect an instant love bond to evolve…..relationships take time. This process can even take years but with patience and a positive attitude you can experience success. The blended family should make an intentional effort to create a new family together. You can plan a family night of movies or games, trips and other activities that will build new memories.
During this time of bonding as a family it will be important to spend time alone together as a couple on a regular basis. A couple should spend a minimum of four hours a week to remain emotionally connected. This will keep your relationship and intimacy a priority as you work to unite the families.
Accepting differences
As in any family the relationship between the husband and wife should still be your first priority. The marriage must be strong to endure the continuous pressure of the blended family. The couple must never forget that they are on the same team so that the children or outside influences don’t create conflict between them.
Expecting the children to immediately bond in the new family system isn’t realistic. It will take time for them to accept the new family roles and expectations. The stepparent will need to build a relationship of trust as will the children from the different family systems. This blending of the family process will take patience and will depend on the amount of time that the children spend at the stepparent’s home. The stepparent must understand the he or she is an additional parent figure…..not a replacement in the child’s life.
Blending the family
Children perceive change differently and may also worry about loyalty issues concerning the biological parents. To help with the transition of co-parenting both biological parents must work together to discipline and guide the children. The biological parent should take the lead role when discipline is needed and the stepparent will then support their rules and boundaries. If the stepparent initiates the discipline the conflict concerns will usually escalate. Parents need to be united in this area and discuss any disagreements privately. Giving the child power in this situation will put a wedge between the couple and communication will shut down.
The stepparent shouldn’t expect an instant love bond to evolve…..relationships take time. This process can even take years but with patience and a positive attitude you can experience success. The blended family should make an intentional effort to create a new family together. You can plan a family night of movies or games, trips and other activities that will build new memories.
During this time of bonding as a family it will be important to spend time alone together as a couple on a regular basis. A couple should spend a minimum of four hours a week to remain emotionally connected. This will keep your relationship and intimacy a priority as you work to unite the families.
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