Thursday, January 28, 2010

Finding Mr. or Ms. Right

With Valentine's Day two weeks away, single people will again question why they haven't been able to find "The One". They will review their list of past partners and question their reasons on why the relationship fell apart. Single people will usually have a list of characteristics that they would like for that special someone to have. The problem is that no man or woman is going to have everything that you wish for. Determining what characteristics are most important to you would be the first step to finding that special partner you are seeking.

Generations of people have been fooled by happily-ever-after films that program us to believe that Mr. or Ms. Right is out there if we keep searching. Lori Gottlieb author of Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough states, "We grew up idealizing marriage, but if we'd had a more realistic understanding of its cold, hard benefits, we might have done things differently. So we walk away from uninspiring relationships that might have made us happy." Gottlieb claims that women often deny themselves any chance of finding happiness by failing to downgrade their expectations.

Experts agree that you must have the following characteristics in a successful relationship. A strong relationship must have love and the commitment to work through those difficult trials that are encountered with marriage. Relationships can't last without the willingness to forgive their partner at times, as we are all imperfect and will make mistakes. Couples must also have good communication skills to discuss important issues and make life plans together. This important skill will keep a couple connected even when physical affection is not possible. A couple should also have several interests that they enjoy doing together but also take the time for the individual interests that are entertaining. Finding "The One" shouldn't be complicated if you're confident in what you are looking for. Be what you desire in a relationship and the right person will be attracted to your characteristics.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

The power of truth in relationships

A new survey states that the average person tells four lies a day or 1,460 lies a year. By the time an individual is 60 years old they will have told a whopping 88,000 lies. The most common lie is "I'm fine." It's an automatic reply, when we are asked how we are feeling or how our day is going. The majority of us will say this without even thinking about it because it is a social reply utilized more as a common courtesy. Other common lies that people tell are stated when asked about their weight, age, how they liked a gift or why they missed an appointment. Lies are considered a defense mechanism used to avoid consequences or not wanting to hurt someone's feelings.

Gary King the author of The Power of Truth believes that we become stronger, more self-confident and have deeper connections with everyone when you simply tell the truth. King states "When you don't lie to yourself or anyone else there is a shift in consciousness. Honest people will display more courage and confidence in the way that they walk, stand, voice tone and the communication they have with the people they love."

It is difficult to discern the body language of a person who is lying to you. Dr. Paul Ekman author of Telling Lies and Clues to Deceit in the Marketplace, Politics and Marriage states that we shouldn't attribute a lot of meaning to shifting eyes or squirming body language when assessing the truth. Ekman said that non-verbal communication discloses emotion and that emotion can be fear of being caught or fear of not being believed. Some people can transmit very sincere body language and speech but are known to be pathological liars. Eckman believes that the most common vocal deception cues are pauses and speech errors. This will occur when they haven't worked out their lie ahead of time or didn't anticipate the questions.

To best determine if someone is lying you must first know their baseline behaviors. Note their normal speech patterns, gestures, and facial expressions. Then ask them for specific details about the topic being discussed or questioned. Liars avoid details and will often be evasive with their answer because it is difficult for them to remember what they have previously said. So when you think someone has lied to you, restate the question to give them an opportunity to correct themselves. Hopefully, they will change their mind and accept the option to tell the truth.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Persevere with your resolutions

A New Year's resolution is a ritual of hope that can provide us with the opportunity to evaluate progress with our life goals or personal growth. Unfortunately, many of us will try to begin a resolution on January 1st when we are still eating unhealthy and are transitioning back into our regular routine. Eighty percent of people who try and begin their resolution on January 1st will fail to follow through with it by January 31st. If the resolution is focused on health and fitness goals, 90% will have quit by January 15th.

Change involves sacrifice, motivation, and willpower. Don't focus on your past failures in 2009. That can overwhelm your thoughts with the negativity of debt accrued, pounds that were gained or relationships that failed. Begin by reviewing the positive aspects of your life. Think about things that you are proud of, what you are grateful for, and how you have helped others in your life.

Start your resolution with small significant changes and build on each small success you experience. Set a goal to have a new experience every month this year. It can be as simple as going to a new restaurant each month, reading a book, taking a class or volunteering for a charity. Success with a simple goal will help to build confidence with a more challenging one. Reward yourself for each success. It doesn't matter how long it takes for you to reach your goal as long as you continue to make progress.

Face your fears in 2010. You will become whatever your choices are, so be fearless this year. Each day you will get closer to obtaining your goal and when you begin to waiver on your resolution use your support system to help you persevere. "You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face." Eleanor Roosevelt

Thursday, January 07, 2010

Real men don't cheat

The recent infidelity of Tiger Woods has brought the core values of marriage back into the spotlight. Relationships are a high risk venture as the divorce rate continues to hover at fifty percent. However, many people regret their decisions to leave their marriages and 80% consider going back to their spouse after separating or divorce. All relationships will have their unique moments of pain to overcome. Each individual will need to assess whether they can forgive their partner for the pain experienced and determine if there are enough positive aspects of the relationship to save it.

Musician Greg Middleton has written a book titled Real Men which discusses the loss of values within marriage and family today. Middleton states, "Men have lost their focus and need to be reminded of core essential values." He is concerned about the impact this loss will have on future generations. Middleton's Real Men seminars target 18 to 39 year old men. He emphasizes the positive impact that men in this age group have on their children when they provide a stable, nurturing environment for them. He challenges men to look at five critical aspects of their life: leadership, responsibility, accountability, fatherhood, and matrimony to determine what areas of their life need growth.

Past mistakes in your life may haunt you and going back to your partner may not be the answer. Whether you choose to leave your current relationship or begin a new one there are several characteristics that should be present in a healthy relationship. Determine if your relationships display mutual trust, respect, commitment, honesty, unconditional love, care, support and prayer. Seek counseling for healing before making any permanent life decisions when faced with leaving your partner or working to make your current relationship better.

Clear out the 'muck' in 2010

After storing the holiday decorations for another year, you may have promised yourself to clean out the clutter in your basement, attics, closets and home offices. If you are a recovering "clutter bug" and have difficulty determining what items you should keep or toss you might want to read the advice of this expert. Author Kathi Burns CPO wrote, How to Master Your Muck! Get Organized, Add Space to Your Life, Live Your Purpose! She defines muck as "anything that keeps you limited, unproductive, unsuccessful or unfulfilled."

Ciji Ware author of Rightsizing Your Life: Simplifying Your Surroundings While Keeping What Matters Most wants us to follow the 80/20 rule. She states that you can safely let go of 80 percent of the papers that you've kept over the years. You can often find what you need more quickly on the internet. It is faster and doesn't create any clutter.

Both authors believe it's not just about clearing out the clutter but clarifying your life. Muck has been known to assault the human spirit by stealing your energy and creativity. It can clutter your home and office as well as your mind and your life. Growth requires space in your mind, body and spirit. Muck or clutter can hinder that growth.

Today workers in the United States spend six weeks a year looking for important documents. Employees waste 55 minutes daily looking for lost office supplies. Staff members can send and receive over 190 emails daily. Determine what muck you need to remove from your life. Small changes can energize you and bring clarity to your life. You will feel that your life is more manageable and your surroundings will reflect more of the individual that you are. Remove the muck from your life for a new perspective on life.